DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

I see this as two completely separate issues, which n eed to be dealt with separately:

I can sort of understand why your DH told these people and I even have some sympathy for him in discussing it with old friends and probably feeling like he needed that support. BUT, it was, nonetheless, a massive betrayal of your trust and you have every right to be upset about it. I would hope you could move past it by seeing either other's perspective and him taking accountability.

The second issue is that there is a man, who, knowing about what happened to you, has chosen to talk about it publicly to you, and in front of other people. Who has asked deeply inappropriate and personal questions to you, again, in front of other people. And whose friendship group seems to think has done nothing wrong. I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again no matter what, but I'm kind of horrified that he is not BEGGGING for forgiveness and that his friends aren't rallying around telling him he's behaved appallingly. Your DH is not obligated to ever see or speak to this man again and if his so-called friends are trying to insist that he does, he should see that as a massive red flag. No sensible, rational person would think what this friend did is acceptable. Ever.

DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!'

I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

You husband is an absolute shithead.

This is so awful, I don’t actually have words just wanted to offer you support (digitally.)

I think B’s behaviour is disgusting almost like he got off on hearing about it. But your husband should never have disclosed anything like that either (no matter the context.) I don’t care if the friends feel uncomfortable but wonder if it would make things worse for you being there.

I would be very clear OP B is out of DH’s life full stop.

And if DH goes to this meeting DH may be out of your life too.

There was no reason for DH to tell them what happened to you to get them to stop, and anyone who is friends with men sitting around making rape jokes is not worth any woman’s time.

Wow… He’s worried you’ll make THEM uncomfortable. This is absolutely a DH problem and I don’t know if I could come back from that. My DH confided in one of his friends who also weaponised her knowledge and we very nearly broke up. I have made it very clear what that betrayal did to me.

Hi Anon8761. First of all - I am sending you a hug & thinking of you in your recovery.😘....I personally would tell your husband to please cancel any get-together with his group (at your house) discussing your trauma. It is very inappropriate for your husband to have ever said anything about you without your permission & quite frankly it is none of anyones business to know your personal matters. Take care of yourself from, Kiwi Grandma.😘@Anon8761

Op if you have someone close to you in real life, please call them.

You are not just dealing with a predatory male in the bar digging away at the most painful part of your history, or the culture of a group of men that think it’s funny to hurt and harm women.

You are dealing with the man you loved and trusted most breaching your confidence without your consent, he has continued to remain friends with them even knowing who they are - and now seems to be prioritising their ‘comfort’ over your pain and safety. This is not small stuff. For many women it would be a deal breaker, and it might be for you when the shock wears off.

Please contact someone you trust, and tell them what has happened.

all your husband needed to say on
the first occasion was something like ‘pack it in lads,

No need to add the wife doesn't like it. Decent men don't either.

I can sort of understand why your DH told these people and I even have some sympathy for him in discussing it with old friends and probably feeling like he needed that support.

Wtaf. One of my best friends was raped. I have never told anyone.

It’s not something you share with anyone ever, it’s no-one’s story to tell but the survivor.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, OP.

The focus needs to be on your DH's betrayal. He needs to earn your trust once again. That means he can't go to their ridiculous intervention. If he can't see this then you have a bigger problem.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. All of it.

Your husband discussing your past with a whole group of people. Even his reason for it stinks- that his mates were making jokes in bad taste. The fact they like rape jokes and rhe only reason he told them to knock it off was because he didn't want you to hear - not because he doesn't like that kind of joke, is gross. It's telling what kind of people they all are that he couldn't just say 'wtf that's not funny' or even 'my wife's upstairs', wouldn't have been enough to stop then.

I can't believe he has agreed to any kind of meet up. How on earth would someone hitting on your wife / getting off on the details of her rape, be sorted out or explained away? By a heartfelt apology? By a 'I was drunk' excuse? Nothing can excuse the fact that the friend has been exposed as a creep. And the group would like to ignore the fact he is a creep so that they can pretend everything is fine when they meet.

And they don't want the meet up to discuss you, with you around, in case YOU make THEM uncomfortable, even though it's about one of them making you uncomfortable? That is all kinds of fucked up.

I'm sorry that your husband is being so awful about it as well.

I’m not convinced that your DH is the bad guy here tbh @Anon8761 I can fully understand why you’re hurt by his actions but in his defence your trauma has become part of his trauma and as such he has the right to discuss it with his friends.

I'm not convinced that he's the bad guy either but this isn't why he shared it.

He shared it because they were making inappropriate comments and jokes and he wanted them to stop.

I think it's quite likely that he thought if he brought it closer to home and made it relevant to them by associating it with a real life person and someone they know and care about, that it would hit home harder.

I once called a male friend out in a mixed friendship group who made a pretty tame 'joke' about sexual assault.

I stopped him.and pointed out that, given the statistics are 1/4 women have been sexually assualted/raped, and there were 8 women present, statistically, at least 2 of us had been raped and that it was probably wise to refrain from making jokes like that.

He apologised and later approached me on a different occasion to apologise again, say that he hadn't ever actually considered it in relation to women he knew (after all, it's never someone you know on either side, is it?) And that not only would he never make a joke like that again, but he'd since challenged other men who did.

It would be easy to say men should just realise but they don't because it's not their world. For most men, it's something that happens on the news. Not something that happens to women they know.

Sometimes, they need to hear it.

Unfortunately, on this occasion, the OP's husband's friends have revealed their true colours and those colours are murky

WTAF Op i am so sorry you have had such awful dealings with vile men, Your husband included. He has broken your trust by telling those guys about what happened to you. Let them have their meeting and you go off and find a great life and leave them to their little boys club. Your husband does not have your back.

It is time for your husband to grow up op.

PS if he hasn't already seen it, I'd highly recommend that your DH and his 'friends' watch X by Daniel Sloss, to understand how easy it is for a group of men to enable a predatory man whose behaviour eventually escalated to rape.

Blimey you set a low bar.

Unfortunately, on this occasion, the OP's husband's friends have revealed their true colours and those colours are murky

As are the husband's.

I am so sorry this and the original trauma happened OP.

I want to just say how amazing and strong you are for working through the VERY natural consequences of what happened to you.

I would not want that man or any of his enablers and apologisers anywhere near me.

Why did your husband tell them all? My ex used to do this. He would tell people about my stuff so he could tell everyone how ‘supportive’ he’d been. It was all about him. Why did he talk about something so personal to you with them?

The meeting sounds warped. What is there to discuss? I would insist your DH does not attend the discussion. It can’t go ahead.

How about next Saturday he suggests they meet to discuss Mike’s wife and the fact she’s sensitive about being overweight? And the following week they can have a jolly old get together and talk about John’s wife who is struggling with infertility. Who are they to discuss you????

I’ve never heard anything so fucking strange.

It sounds appalling but I think it sounds like they’re meeting to find out what B said to you and to get off on it.

But yes, your DH has caused all this for blabbing about something so unbelievably sensitive to 7 people. Very odd.

I think you’re putting a lot of energy into excusing an unforgivable decision by the OP’s DH. Can you not see the difference between telling a close friend you’re struggling to support a spouse trying to come to terms with rape, where the emphasis is on how they can support you as you try to support in your turn, and breaching your wife’s privacy with a seven-strong group of lads because they are making rape jokes in your house, and putting one of them in a position where he can retraumatise the rape survivor (who hasn’t even told her own friends) by sexualising her rape???

Can we be absolutely fucking clear that if you know someone who has been raped it is not your story to tell full stop. No ifs or buts.

There is no reason why DH couldn’t have spoken in general terms like you did. No reason to make it personal. That was a betrayal of trust.

And now he’s made it worse.

Right.

I also agree with this. If all this is real. I apologise to the OP in advance if it is. However to people posting on this thread in good faith please be very careful what you say. It could be someone trying to get off on this awful crime. This has happened in the past on MN. Again apologies if this is genuine.

B is a creepy pervert and your DH is a strange bloke. I'll dump the whole lot of them.

He was clearly getting off on making you feel uncomfortable. Trying to control the conversation for his cheap thrill. I wouldn’t even want to give them any more air time. Classic blaming the woman for their discomfort too when they caused it. Tell them to sling their hook and your husband needs to grow a pair too.