DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

This.

@Anon8761 do you feel you could show your husband this thread? See the view of others on B's behaviour and now the behaviour of your husband's friendship group with the impact on you?

This is horrible for you. 🤗💐

I actually think people give the husband too much credit. It sounds like he enjoys talking about this with his friends, which is not normal!!!!!!! It's fucking weird and I wouldn't be surprised if he was also a pervert or at best enjoying all the drama and making himself look like the hero "saviour" of his wife. There's something very wrong with the husband.

Look, I can see how your husband confided in his friends - people he's known a long time and he believed he could trust. It's not like he was chatting about it to some bloke in the pub.

Do I think he should? No but I can also see how people make errors of judgement that have esswntially come from a good place.

None of the others should be discussing it. Your husband has made his position quite clear on this and they want to strongarm him into changing it.

The reality is that your husband doesn't want to meet and discuss it but, without him there, they are going to discuss it anyway. At least, if he is there, he can advocate for you.

In his shoes, I'd definitely he cutting B off and, sadly for him, the rest of them too for their reaction to it.

What an appalling situation that just proves again that men have no fucking clue.

I'm so sorry OP, but I have to agree with this. There is something really off with these men. I think you need to put your foot down with your DH, they meet at your house, with you there, and get the fuck over their 'discomfort', if that's what you want of course. I'm not sure I could (or even want to) forgive my husband for this though, I'd be looking at him very differently.

Not convinced your husband really does have your back.

Your updates this morning are even worse OP.

I don’t say this lightly, but this is marriage shaking. I can’t believe your DH doesn’t realise that.

I have been with my DH since I was 18 and over the years have had a few unpleasant things happen to me. Nothing even remotely close to what you’ve been through. But there is no way that my DH would gossip about me like this with his friends. Absolutely no way.

It is frankly disgusting that he told anyone in the first place, even more disgusting that he thinks it is even vaguely appropriate to continue discussing it over text and to have a “meeting” to discuss it even further.

I would honestly tell him to pack his things if he doesn’t shut this shit down immediately. And even then, I think we would require quite a bit of couples therapy to work through his betrayal with the knowledge that we might not get through it.

Your dh has a choice to make. One he should have made years ago when he learnt the true cost of rape. My heart is going out to you.

B had no right at all to speak to you about this, he had no right to persist even when it was clearly upsetting you. You can not have him anywhere near you again (or your children if you have any) you know who he is, and he is not a good person.

Your dh now needs to move mountains to look after you. I hope he steps up and repairs this quickly by acknowledging and apologising for the disclosure he made, and by distancing himself immediately from these men. They are not friends.

All of this.

Dies your DH understand that discussing these things can be a form of titillation for some men? Can he self reflect about why he feels the need to discuss it himself?

if they were talking about rape/sexual assault he could have just shut the conversation down as inappropriate full stop. Why did he think they needed to know the details of your experience?

having these men in your home discussing you is inappropriate whether you are there or not. Your trauma is not relevant to the fallout ultimately - B behaved badly - does discussing your rape change that? It’s nuts that they think you are a subject of this discussion at all

your DH needs a wake up call - his behaviour has been deeply inappropriate

No, don’t message them all. Not because of how it will look, or whether they’ll dub you “crazy” - but because they don’t deserve your engagement. None of this was any of their business in the first place, and your husband let you down by telling them. But now he needs to step up.

The only “discussion” here should be a one-way one between your husband and his so-called friends. He needs to tell them that he shouldn’t have told them, but since he did, it was unforgivable for B to bring it up with you - and there’s no further discussion to be had. They can either accept that or decide the friendship is over.

I’m not convinced that your DH is the bad guy here tbh @Anon8761 I can fully understand why you’re hurt by his actions but in his defence your trauma has become part of his trauma and as such he has the right to discuss it with his friends. I had cancer and I know my husband worries about my health and our future as a result. I would never expect him to not tell friends that I had cancer though, as he may need that context to discuss his feelings. We as a society have so many men NOT discussing things that actually I find it quite refreshing your DHs group are wanting to thrash this out and talk- and to me the “issue” discussed is not you but B and the future of the group if B and your DH don’t speak anymore.

I would ask your DH to state at the meeting that whilst he appreciates some of his friends have been a support to him, he is disgusted by Bs use of this topic to be so insensitive and crass towards you. That moving forward the situation that occurred to you is NOT up for discussion. He may talk about his own feelings about it and get support from them if needed but your experience is not a topic of chat. He needs to discuss with his friends how they would feel if B questioned their wives about their sex life and wtf he was doing in that situation being such a creep. Ultimately if he is normally a creepy fuck who is not apologetic and mortified by his behaviour and the subsequent fallout, then surely the group will see they are all better off without him. If they don’t and your DH still feels he cannot maintain a friendship, then he can walk away or no longer be part of the larger group but perhaps maintain some individual friendships.
Bottom line, he needs to draw a boundary about his discussions and support for his feelings and your lived experience. The former is fine for him to discuss with friends but not the latter. And they can stay in their lane and discuss neither out with the group.

@UncommonFishwife I totally agree with your thoughts.
Your husband owes you an apology but I wouldn't accept one from B. Weirdo.
I'm not sure of your ages but I think you said early 30s? My son is 27 and this behaviour would not be tolerated in his friends.

Do not be ashamed. I'm freer for telling my best friend what happened to me but it's my story to tell. Have strength OP. We have your back.

You need to have an agreed stance with your dh, and be in complete alignment before messaging them if you choose to, or your dh will completely undermine any power or authority your message might carry - and will cause more harm.

You shouldn’t need to send a message. Your dh should be taking control of this by telling them in no uncertain terms a line has been crossed, and the friendship is over.

B needs to see there are consequences to predatory behaviour.

Asking you if you enjoyed sex more or less after being raped actually made me feel truly sick op. It is beyond appalling.

How on earth can your dh ever come back from that? You are his wife!!

Your DH is not much of a ‘Darling is he?
He has crossed a boundary and betrayed your confidence in the worst possible way. He had no business telling his friends about what you have been through, His friends sound weird. To keep on wanting to discuss it and questioning you about it makes me think they are getting some kind of kick out of it. If they’re the type that make sleazy jokes then this will probably feed into their sleazy way of thinking. Ugh if I were married to your husband I would be divorcing him. How can you trust him now? He is a blabbermouth who doesn’t respect your privacy.

He needs better friends. Why should he have to disclose your trauma for his friends to think making inappropriate jokes is unacceptable?

And why were they making such jokes knowing his female partner was in the house FFS?

So his friends don't like women.
Now they know about your trauma, one of them (at least) views it as a free pass to grill you about your sex life.
Whilst believing this is ok as he was there. Making you feel safe. 🙄

They all sound vile and thick as shit.

I can imagine them making vile comments then claiming you only got upset because of your trauma.

Get away from all of these fuckwits. Partner included.

You must be feeling like you’ve been hit by a ten ton truck right now. I cannot imagine having to face that level of betrayal from your DH. To have that discussed like it’s a bit of casual chat would hurt worse than being cheated on. And him saying he doesn’t want an argument is him telling you to shut up and not question him. He should be on his knees begging for forgiveness.

apparently he told them because they were at our house making jokes in poor taste. And he'd said to stop as I was upstairs and then he told them the trauma Wow. So disgusting jokes are ok with him, unless you’re within earshot? And then it’s not a case of telling them he doesn’t want them joking like that where you can hear, but there has to be an excuse of why he’s telling them to stop? He then said he'd told for support for him, but got defensive when I asked when/why Was support from his inner circle (what a wanky turn of phrase) not enough? He’s getting defensive because none of what he is saying is making sense. He’s a liar. A pathetic, disloyal weasel of a man.

So he’s agreed to meet up with his friends, making sure that their comfort is a priority, to discuss whether B’s disgusting behaviour is something he (and by extension, you) should just get over so they can all carry on going to the carvery without it being awkward? Why the fuck are they not telling B that he’s vile and out of the group? What the fuck is your husband doing even entertaining the idea of discussing whether or not this can be got over? What happens if he decides it can? Will you be expected to get over it too? Welcome B back into your home?

This is far, far less about what happened to you and more about smoothing over the friendship group (which sounds weirdly intertwined and toxic). It’s almost like what happened to you is completely irrelevant, it’s all about making sure that your husband forgives B so they can carry on as before. Your opinion and your feelings are completely irrelevant. This would be a deal breaker for me. I know you’ve got small children but this would make me view husband with utter contempt. I’m furious for you.

The husband disclosed this to stop the friends telling rape jokes.. A decent man would have just said rape jokes are unacceptable. Full stop.

Your situation is nothing like this. Your minimising of the appalling behaviour of all of these men is appalling

The group seem extremely concerned about their carvery meet ups rather than the fact B is a weirdo fucking creep who at best hits on other people's wives and at worst asks if rape made them enjoy sex more or less

This is exactly what you should say to them all in front of your Husband

Fucking LOVE that your husbamd wouldnt want THEM to be uncomfortable but gives ZERO fucks about you being incredibly uncomfortable abiut the fact you have no seat at the table and are left looking after the children waiting - how comfortable is that for you?

My 2p arrange childcare without discussing with your DH and go with him to whatever stupid fucking carvery/ man cave location they pick and once they have all had their say look them in the eye - say the above and ask them to think about the fact it'll could be their wives next time.

You DH is an absolute fucker though. Just an utter failure of a man.
He chooses:

• to hang out the men who make multiple rape jokes and think its fine.

• who seemingly can ONLY be stopped making vile comments by him disclosing deeply perosnal information about you . He could have said a thousand things but no....
• to prioritise their comfort over yours STILL.
• is lying to you and just wants you to shut up so this can go away.

The only reason he so quickly said he'd bin off B is to shut this down and make it go away... but I guarantee he will still be calling about with B and those other scummy blokes because ultimately his needs are being met so 👍

So sorry this happened to you. What a horrible continied betrayal by your husband 🫂

OP should not have to tell her husband this.

Of the few people she has shared this trauma with, we have to assume he is one of them. So he would know how traumatic this was and that it is not an open topic for conversations while drinking with the guys.

I just could not let this go. Any trust would be absolutely broken for me.

With due respect, cancer is not rape, and he had ZERO 'need' to tell 7 men without one mention to OP.

This 100%
Your husband and his pals are definitely thick as shit and frankly quite vile!

You don't need a face to face meeting to tell people to fuck off..by text os fine.
I'd be sending dh with them..
He isn't a good guy imo.

Absolutely not. How dare they ?They all know too much already. Tough luck if it’s awkward, their friend acted badly. It’s him they should be angry with. Also you can bet the ‘inner circle’ have told their wives etc.

@Anon8761honestly there's only one solution to this.
Your DH has betrayed your trust with the whole group. B has taken that further (much too far) in that unforgiveable conversation with you.
DH has nothing more to do with him ever again - non negotiable.
The group either accepts that and excludes B or your DH leaves the group. Again non negotiable.
And if B is excluded and DH stays the topic is 100% off limits for ever. B is not part of that conversation, there is no possible justification for his behaviour.
Those are the options. Sod any of them feeling uncomfortable. If you want the meeting in your house for that discussion and to be there that's your call.
This is basically your DH's fault and he is entirely responsible for the consequences. No excuses.
Take care of yourself, so sorry you're having to deal with this.

all
your husband needed to say on
the first occasion was something like ‘pack it in lads, wife really doesn’t like that sort of talk’. It was ( and still is) your history, your story. It isn’t his and he had no fucking right to share it with his mates. The pervert is a pervert. Full stop. Don’t give him any more head room. Personally though I don’t think you can trust your husband and I’d question why he needed to disclose the whole story. And why are these men planning intervention type meetings? So bloody weird, just go out for a few beers and watch the football ffs