DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

They are all getting off on your trauma(maybe not sexually but in an emotional vampire way). How fucking dare any of them including your dick head husband.(for discussing your trauma in detail) Id be clear that B is never part of your lives and you will not be talked about.

To be honest, and I really don’t say this lightly, but I’m now questioning your husband’s motives for telling others. Is it stupidity? Or is it something more worrying? The fact that he told someone else too and tried to lie about it. Why does he seemingly enjoy telling people? Does he give them details? There’s something very ‘off’ about this. I’d be tempted to snoop on his computer/phone.

Im so sorry ...
Your husband breached your confidentiality and betrayed your trust by discussing your private and personal history with his friends and not being honest with you that he had done that. This is absolutely horrific and your DH needs to understand accept and deeply apologise for his betrayal otherwise this will likely end your relationship.
Friend B is a creepy inappropriate man who you silly DH wrongly trusted.
As for your DH meeting these men to "discuss" in order to see if the frienships are salvagable,thats up to your DH, but i would ask why your DH would want to do that after what B did to you?
Im wondering how friend B has spun what he said to you to the group that makes them them think these "friendships" are salvagable!

He did it because he’s a misogynistic slug who enjoyed making you feel uncomfortable to satisfy his morbid curiosity. You need to make it clear to your DH that this is your trauma, you get to call the shots here and he had better tread carefully because he’s effectively choosing between you and your friends. He needs to give you some space to see how you feel in a few days before he arranges any meetings with them.

A very similar thing happened to me. In my case, it was a director of the company I was working for who found out (he was dating my aunt at the time). Like you, I was terrified of other people knowing back then. One day he called me into his office and asked me to do something illegal (fraudulent). I refused and he said “I know things about you”.

I was that angry that I walked back into my open plan office and announced it to my shocked colleagues. I told them that I’d put it on the front of the Daily Mirror before I allowed him to hold it over me. I walked out of the job that day.

That day changed me, in a perverse way it was liberating. I stopped feeling that it was a shameful secret and I let go of a lot of the trauma. It doesn’t define me. I’m only telling you this to show you how a really nasty obstacle like this can turn out to be a catalyst for change when it’s fuelled by righteous anger. Sending you lots of love x

I would be very clear with my husband what he needs to say from your perspective and start with 'how would you all feel if your sister, wife, daughter was asked.......' and now imagine them being asked the same question after rape. .....

I can understand tou DH maybe feeling overwhelmed or something with your trauma and telling it in confidence to the best friend but not all bunch!!

I am shocked that your H plans to go this meeting.

I don’t think I have ever said LTB on here, but if he goes to this meeting, I think you should divorce him. It’s bad enough that he told them in the first place, but to go to this meeting, where at best, there will be worthless apologies and at worst, and more likely, there will be minimising, dismissal of your feelings and rewriting of what was said that evening between you and B. How can your H even contemplate leaving you sitting at home alone worrying about what is being said about your trauma and subsequent re-trauma at the hand of his ‘friend’? Surely there is no possibility of he and B being friends again?? So why is he indulging this drama with his friends, at your expense?!

If he goes to this meeting he is a selfish, self centred, thoughtless man child.

Sure because B needs to apologise to OPs husband/owner doesn't he, and not the silly little woman herself. Such a misogynistic take.

This is a really shit situation OP. I was also raped when I was 17 and am now 40 - my now husband supported me through the whole aftermath of the rape so obviously he knows about it... he has told about 3 people. Once because he broke down crying to his friend in the weeks after (which pf course I can forgive) and two others because he needed to be able to explain some of my behaviours as I became agoraphobic, jumpy, was having night terrors so was exhausted.

He has never told anyone else and I would be furious if he did. I think i would be considering the whole relationship. He knows the vast majority of men are perverts. Your dh betrayed you and will do so again when he goes to discuss it again against your wishes.

Could you get away for a few days? Take the kids and go and stay with your parents. Give yourself time to think.

The ONLY way this is salvageable now in my view from your dh’s perspective is that B is called out for his despicable behaviour, and asked to leave the group. Anything less would be unacceptable. Red lines and all of that.

It is B’s behavior that is the real issue here.

What kind of man pesters a known survivor in this way?? It’s absolutely outrageous any of the group would even want him to be a friend after this. How many bars is hanging out in alone? (this is red flag in itself op)

Your dh needs to consider who these people actually are, what kind of men they are. They no longer align with his values, maturity and family/marriage or is he going to stay a teenage boy for all time with gutter standards and shady predatory friends?

The choice is his.

In the meantime op - please focus on yourself. Please organise some counselling, let those closest to you know what has happened. Let others support you.

@Anon8761 I had to reread your last post to make sure I'd got it right they've asked B if he'll attend and they're going out because you'll make them uncomfortable? FFS, they really think they'll agree amoungst themselves and you have no say and will just go along with it. The arrogance is appalling

Read your updates, @Anon8761

Your husband doesn’t get it.

He told your friends not to make rape jokes because you’d been raped and might hear them. The reason not to make rape jokes is because they’re totally vile and unacceptable, regardless of whether or not a rape victim might hear them. He should’ve just said ‘stop making jokes like that. They’re vile and unacceptable.’ It was no reason to share what happened to you, and doing so suggests he needed an ‘excuse’ to shut it down and that these men (and possibly he) believe these jokes are acceptable in other circumstances.

Again, he should not be going to this meeting. What his friend has done is unforgivable so there’s no point in holding a meeting to discuss whether or not he can be forgiven.

What they are actually doing is prioritising B’s feelings over and above the real victim.

What have I just read?!? 😳

These men (including your husband) sound like perverts and misogynists. This is absolutely disgusting. Sounds like they enjoy discussing this. I actually can't believe you have been put in this situation and I'm afraid I would consider this the end of the road with your marriage because your husband is clearly not all there in the head and enjoys discussing how his wife got raped with his mates.

I am so sorry OP. I’d be so angry. They are worried about you making THEM uncomfortable??? Your DH needs to side with you here (suspect he won’t). It would be the end of my relationship if my husband behaved in that way.

He got caught and can’t even switch his support from his friends to his wife?

I agree.

Naive of you to think the reason DH wanting to exclude B won't be a major topic of discussion in a meeting that's being held precisely to discuss DH wanting to exclude B.

In addition B has already shown clear form of being exactly the kind of manipulative self-serving scumbag that will deny it. The likelihood in that scenario is DH then bringing forth a whole slew of repetition of what B said, and B then denying each count because OP's husband wasn't present so B will think he can get away with it.

Whole thing stinks.

I'm so sorry @Anon8761 B acted like an absolute AH. Clearly has no filter, retaumatised you etc. Wtf.

Your DH discussing this with multiple friends too, words fail me.

Your DH is right to cut B out.

There's no need for this meeting because there shouldn't be anything to discuss. B is a sick misogynist pervert, your husband needs to cut him out forever and if the rest of the group do not do this, then they go too. That's all.

Your husband is absolutely in the wrong too. Your story is yours to tell and your trauma yours to share, with people you trust. Not with a bunch of men, at least one of which is a twisted invididual. If your husband cannot see that, then he is also not to be trusted.

I'm so sorry, OP. It's a horrible situation.

@Anon8761 When this thread started you and DH sounded like a team, with him furious on your behalf and sticking up for you, and you had faith in him doing that. The outcome seemed likely to be that he would dump the friend/friends.

But now (possibly since posters on here have been laying into DH?) the narrative has changed and you describe being angry with DH and him getting defensive and talking about wanting to ‘salvage’ some of the friendship.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to be angry with DH. But try to keep it to one side for now while you deal with the friendship issue.m as a united front. He is more likely to be strong and cut ties with B while he feels that burning loyalty to you and sense that you are right and B is wrong. If you start blaming him too, all of a sudden he is fighting on two fronts, splitting his energy and loyalties trying to defend himself too.

I think you should return to the issue of your disappointment with DH AFTER the situation with the friends has moved on (and while I 100% understand why the you want to be invited to any ‘meeting’ - I think it would be a horrible experience for you and the damage has already been done really.) Send a letter (like a victim impact statement) to the group if you feel that would help get your voice heard. Husband doesn’t need to take part in any further discussion though because his mind is made up surely?

Your husband sounds like a good guy who made a poor judgement call in haste. His friend is a predator and a pervert and your DH knows this which is why he doesn't want anything to do with him again. I would say to your DH that you oppose the meeting absolutely and that's that.

I actually don't think your husband discussing this with his friends in the Frist place is all that terrible. We all share things with our friends and maybe he too needed some support with what you went through and continue to be affected by.

But his friend is absolutely terrible. What an horrible thing to do and say to you. Your husband is right to not want to speak to him ever again. In fact the whole friend groups should shun him. I wouldn't have him in my house if I were you.

Yes I agree
I just wish he'd told me, informed me they knew.
B is the main issue and by association the other friends who want to move past this whole thing by holding a weird meeting.

A bright light is now shining on this group, and as a result your husband’s character.

You are just about to see who your dh is - and the moral fibre of the whole group.

Will dh reflect on who they actually are? They are in fact currently protecting a predatory male’s feelings which is entirely unacceptable. Or are they going to call out B’s terrible actions and no longer welcome him? Would any of dh ‘friends’ put up with this if it was their wives? I doubt it very much.

Your dh needs to find his back bone, and fast.

This absolutely needs to be the hill dh dies on, if he wishes to retain the respect and relationship with his wife.

DH has betrayed you once by telling friends about your ordeal. If he continues with this friendship group it will be a second betrayal. They all sound very immature and clearly all care more about their gossipy meet ups than your feelings. I’d worry what else they discuss - I bet they all talk about their sex lives. Vile.