AIBU to be disappointed with my birthday present?

[RoxanneT]

I'm divorced with two teenage children and have been seeing a lovely man for over two years now. He's kind, hardworking, earns good money, is generous, and my children love him. But he's very unromantic.

For my birthday he bought me... a new Ninja cooker. I already have one, but he said mine is getting old and I use it all the time, so he thought I'd appreciate a newer model. He also wants to buy me a new washing machine next weekend as the rest of my birthday present because mine needs replacing.

I know these are expensive gifts, and I know he genuinely meant well, so I feel guilty even writing this. But when I opened the present, I was so disappointed. I didn't want kitchen appliances. I wanted something that made me feel special as a woman, even if it was much cheaper - flowers, perfume, jewellery, or just something romantic.

I'm going to tell him not to buy the washing machine.

AIBU for feeling upset, or am I just being ungrateful?

Telling him not to buy the washing machine would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I think most men buy all the flowers/perfume/jewellery because they are typical "boyfriend" presents, but they don't require much imagination really.

These things depend on the person

I live with my husband. We are both not people who like having a lot of "stuff" around us. We find more pleasure in a practical gift. His last gift to me was a good knife I can put in my pocket to use while I'm gardening because my last one was old and the mechanism had fallen apart.

My last gift to him was related to his business.

For me, this sort of practical gift is appreciated and I would be happy with something like that, especially if I was struggling to justify the cost of the purchase myself.

For others it's not personal enough and it's the little treats that show you that somebody cares

Neither is wrong, but I think you need a conversation about your gift preferences so that he knows practical just doesn't cut it for you.

So you’ve been together for 2 years and he doesn’t know that you prefer romantic gifts? That seems strange to me.

I think it's great if he gets you a card and flowers and even dinner in honour of your birthday celebration.

I think the fact that he has noticed these things means much more than any generic flowers...but ultimately (as with almost every thread) you know the man and your relationship, we don't, so don't let any response one way or the other change how you feel.

Look - perfume etc is just a bit generic. If I needed a new washing machine I would be thrilled that someone was getting it for me.

I'll have him, thanks

Noticing something that makes a material difference to your life, and replacing/upgrading it seems pretty romantic to me...🤷🏻

I don't think YABU but at the same time, you say he's unromantic - presumably the gifting side of things has reflected that throughout so wouldn't have been likely to change this time if this is how he is as a person. Gift-giving is a problem solving exercise for some practically minded people - they see something that needs replacing or might make someone's life easier and bosh, it seems like a great idea. There is some care behind it, at least.

I'm not sure what the point would be of declining the washing machine when it needs replacing and is a generous offer. It won't change anything.

Perhaps have a direct conversation about the needs that aren't being met, let him know you appreciate his generosity and the fact he notices those types of things is something you interpret as caring, but it would really make you feel good to receive something like jewelry or perfume instead next time as you find those types of offerings more meaningful for milestone events.

And I get it and appreciate it... However, I have a good job, I have my own money, I can afford domestic necessities & appliances myself, and he knows it.

I think you just need to tell him this. He won’t change and you won’t het what you want if you don’t.

You could look at it this way. He's given you the gift of using the money you would have spent on a new washer to buy yourself something really special.

I would just give him a big hint - but in a positive way that you love the practical gifts, but would love some flowers or a bit of romance on the side...

That way he feels appreciated for the effort he has put in, so doesn't get defensive about your suggestion.

Do try and think of it from his point of view though - sounds like you have a very practical man, who in his brain has tried to show he cares by recognizing something you use a lot that needs/can be improved, and getting you a practical improvement on those things.

Is it romantic? No, but it isn't careless or thoughtless either.

Point him toward things you truly need and would love to receive. Perfume can be a very practical gift if your partner knows the one you like is almost empty. A specific item of clothing that you’ll wear often and that is high quality appeals to someone with a practical approach to gift giving. New running shoes from time to time can be a necessity for someone who runs a few times a week.My very practical partner would never think of giving me jewelry in general, but would definitely buy me a specific necklace that I really want. It just wouldn’t occur to my partner to gift me “jewelry” or “perfume” by browsing a store or searching online in those categories. But if I say I want a particular item, that feels tangible, specific, and therefore useful.

I'd be very happy with this but if you're not i don't think you would be unreasonable to tell him straight what you would prefer

Some people would be thrilled with a practical present. You’d prefer a “romantic” gift instead which is also fine and not unusual.

In his mind, buying a practical gift is saving your money so that you can buy perfume or whatever. Personally I think it’s hard to get jewellery and perfume as a gift right. People have very different tastes and having to send a link to what you’d like is also non-romantic. Like many, he might see flowers as generic (eg he’d buy it for his mum on Mother’s Day as it’s expected) and may need you to say that flowers are very welcome on your special days.

If you haven’t bought him a birthday gift yet then this is a strong sign to go for something practical rather than “romantic” for him imo.

I mean - i dont know, it sounds practical and having been married for over 15 years now, all i want is practical stuff - i asked for a wok for my birthday 😂 and would be so cross to get flowers or perfume - flowers will die (ill ill have to clean up) and im fussy about perfume so buy my own. For his birthday i bought him a cool sourdough starter and a coffee machine 😂

I’d have been really pleased with a ninja!

Meh! Nobody’s perfect

if the relationship is good in other ways, let this go

or give him a clear steer on what you want

My DH buys me awful presents. But he puts a lot of thought into them which means more to me than a bottle of wine and some perfume the lady in the shop picked out. His thought process doesn't really work like mine which is why they are not presents I would choose but then it would be boring if we were all the same.

YANBU as everythone is entitled to their own feeling and while for some people it would really be a nice gift, to others it feels like a cop out. To me it would feel like one too because how is it a gift for YOU when it's something for the household, especially given the fact you'd probably be the one using it all? If that a reason he thought it would be a nice gift? Because you're doing most of the work around the house? Ridiculous.

I have a very hard rule - domestic appliances are not gifts. It’s sexist thinking that these are women’s jobs so I’ll buy the woman something to make her jobs a bit easier. No thank you.

If he is a good boyfriend in every other respect then I think it’s fine. I’d rather have the Ninja and buy myself the flowers or perfume.

You know he isn’t particularly sentimental or romantic. This will be his version of being thoughtful. I’d honestly prefer this to random jewellery/perfume I’d never wear.

He has put some thought into it, marked your birthday, I don’t see that it matters, really. It’s just a gift. If you want to avoid similar at Christmas, suggest not buying each other gifts but sharing cost of a weekend away/really fancy restaurant instead?