AIBU to be disappointed with my birthday present?

[RoxanneT]

I'm divorced with two teenage children and have been seeing a lovely man for over two years now. He's kind, hardworking, earns good money, is generous, and my children love him. But he's very unromantic.

For my birthday he bought me... a new Ninja cooker. I already have one, but he said mine is getting old and I use it all the time, so he thought I'd appreciate a newer model. He also wants to buy me a new washing machine next weekend as the rest of my birthday present because mine needs replacing.

I know these are expensive gifts, and I know he genuinely meant well, so I feel guilty even writing this. But when I opened the present, I was so disappointed. I didn't want kitchen appliances. I wanted something that made me feel special as a woman, even if it was much cheaper - flowers, perfume, jewellery, or just something romantic.

I'm going to tell him not to buy the washing machine.

AIBU for feeling upset, or am I just being ungrateful?

I never really understand why people hate practical gifts. It’s something you needed, it’s expensive, he’s noticed something that would improve your life. So it’s thoughtful and not a small gift. I’d be thrilled tbh.

Obviously you’re not and that’s fine. You can either say you prefer birthdays to be for non practical things or you can crack on. My best mate kicked up an almighty fuss when her husband bought her an appliance once… we still joke about it years on. Now he buys her £2,000 bags each year out of terror that she’ll blow up again. And she complains about that too.

Yes, I'm very particular about things like clothes and jewellery - even functional clothes like running wear - and it's not to do with colour or brand or even quality, it's just the way the cut and fabric looks/feels. I'd never expect anyone else to get it right!

I don't wear perfume but I know that people who are really into it are just as particular - it's such a personal thing that surely you want to choose it yourself.

He sounds like he made the effort to give you a thoughtful gift and hes practical. Two years isnt that long - this is only his second or third birthday with you so maybe he doesnt know what you would like and he did try. I would look at the bigger picture if you are happy with him this isnt a hill I would die on. And if hes buying a washing machine you can redirect your own funds to buy a cut flower subscription, if thats what you would like.

My view on gifts is that they are for the benefit of the recipient so they should get a present they like (although I know a lot will say that the recipient should be grateful with whatever they get).

So, as this sounds like a relationship you want to keep, I would definitely say something. Maybe that you appreciated that he'd noted that your Ninja needed replacing and it was very thoughtful, and that you're grateful for the offer of a washing machine, but you prefer more romantic feminine presents such as perfume and flowers. If he wants to give you a nice gift then he'll adjust accordingly. If he's just interested in buying things for his own benefit, then he won't.

Get over yourself. Set him free to find someone who will appreciate him.

Jeez the low bar on this thread. 🙄 we’ve got to be eternally grateful for a boring air fryer as a present (you can have mine, they’re shite). The point is, it’s domestic, dull and uninspired. A birthday present should be something special. There is nothing good about opening a gift from your partner on your birthday and it being an everyday kitchen appliance.

I would just be blunt and tell him op. Say you’re disappointed and that you were expecting something more feminine and thoughtful. And no, a bloke standing in your kitchen thinking ‘she needs a new air fryer’ isn’t thoughtful!

I would be really, really upset about this and would definitely have another conversation outlining how it made you feel. He’s your romantic partner, this is when he shows how much he loves you. Not by a practical gift for the house or garden. For me, I would be upset at not being listened to, not feeling loved. I wouldn’t be able to ‘get over it’ because it would seriously affect my relationship.

i don’t care if others say that’s shallow or ‘the presents were thoughtful and you’re ungrateful’ - in a relationship I need to feel loved and practical presents for the house wouldn’t make me feel loved.

Just tell him! Explain everything you've written here. You'll be making his life easier tbh as buying some flowers is simpler than coming up with an idea for himself.

I am the opposite. It's so personal, which is why OP just needs to tell him.

Nothing to do with low bars but that different people value different things.

I personally hate flowers and perfume and would rather have an applicance that I could and would use than most of the time.

The "bar" here is that the boyfriend isn't matching his gift buying to OP's preferences, not that he's bought a bad gift.

Nobody is perfect. He isn't being "bad". Just accept him for how he is.

No. 🤣😂

Many years ago my late FiL, gave his sons the following advice:
'Never give your wife a frying pan for Christmas'
A mistake he only made once!

Both sons took the advice to heart.

Today is actually my birthday. I most definitely did not get a frying pan or any other household appliance!

I do have an Amazon wish list though to help with ideas. Might be something worth exploring OP?

Gifts shouldn't be litmus tests of love in a healthy relationship. In a good relationship you're made to feel loved as the default, as the baseline, 365 days of the year. Gifts are a cherry on top (and some gifts will always be more successful than others) - not the thing that determines how loved you feel.

I would give the ninja back and tell him that household appliances are not an appropriate birthday gift, then ignore him for 3 days until he learns his lesson and comes grovelling.

Is he particularly attentive towards your daughter?

I agree OP should talk to her partner rather than seethe inside, but she needs to be specific about what she wants beyond "romantic and feminine". If she wants perfume tell him what types she prefers. And which flowers exactly? Otherwise it really is just generic.

And she probably shouldn't use the word "feminine", it's so reductive to reduce femininity to flowers and perfume. Most women on this thread DON'T want those things, or certainly don't tie their femininity up in receiving them.

You must have healthy relationships.

If a man ever pulled that shit on me he would be unceremoniously dumped before the three days were out. And hopefully he would be learning his lesson: don't you dare respond to expensive gifts with the silent treatment.

I'm guessing you're single if you treat people like that.

What has he gifted you for previous Christmas/birthdays?

Nope, but my husband isn't bone-headed enough to give me household appliances as gifts like a cheesy 1950s advert. I would rather receive nothing.

OP, he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Do not let him get away with it.

Do you live with your partner though? If you live together then a kitchen appliance is a no-no unless specifically asked for (my friend was thrilled with her Kenwood Chef because she specifically wanted that as her present from her dh). I think an Amazon wish list is a very good idea.

An ex of mine bought me a power washer for my birthday one year. We’d been together about a year and a half at that point.

On the one hand, I didn’t have a power washer, and it was a practical gift. And a few of my friends said ‘oh, I’d LOVE that.’ But I had been single for years before, and the only person who could appropriately buy me a romantic birthday gift chose not to.

On the other hand, he said after a few weeks ‘you haven’t power-washed your patio yet’ and I got absolutely hopping mad. I’d pay a local guy twice a year to power wash the patio SO I DIDNT HAVE TO. But now I’d a power washer and no excuse.

We do both, there is usually a practical gift for the house or workshop but also chocolates, flowers and maybe a bottle of nice fizz. Did you get a nice card and maybe go out for a meal or do a special meal at home? He is trying though and generous, don't spoil it for him by refusing the washing machine that would be spiteful really.

Ignore him for three days? Isn’t that abuse and certainly a red flag. If someone ignored me for 3 days because they didn’t like my present I’d see that as far worse behaviour.

Those presents would suit me down to the ground if I was genuinely starting to need to replace those appliances. The only thing I would say would be that I would want to choose the new appliance myself. He could pay or contribute if he still wished.

Personally, I am not a flowers and perfume kind of person. Not cut flowers anyway as they just die. A potted plant is nice though and appreciated. I don't like perfume at all and never use it.