AIBU to be disappointed with my birthday present?

[RoxanneT]

I'm divorced with two teenage children and have been seeing a lovely man for over two years now. He's kind, hardworking, earns good money, is generous, and my children love him. But he's very unromantic.

For my birthday he bought me... a new Ninja cooker. I already have one, but he said mine is getting old and I use it all the time, so he thought I'd appreciate a newer model. He also wants to buy me a new washing machine next weekend as the rest of my birthday present because mine needs replacing.

I know these are expensive gifts, and I know he genuinely meant well, so I feel guilty even writing this. But when I opened the present, I was so disappointed. I didn't want kitchen appliances. I wanted something that made me feel special as a woman, even if it was much cheaper - flowers, perfume, jewellery, or just something romantic.

I'm going to tell him not to buy the washing machine.

AIBU for feeling upset, or am I just being ungrateful?

Some people women don't mind an appliance as a gift, I don’t like it so I don’t want them for all the reasons you’ve said. When DH tried this on me it made me feel like he didn’t know me at all. And I told him so, cue guilt Tiffany bracelet which I still love

Wowsers! 😲🤔

I wouldn't be thrilled to get an air fryer or washing machine either, unless it was a really tough financial period and they were things I desperately needed. Can you suggest something else instead of a washing machine e.g. dinner/going out somewhere?

You live together though which I think does make a difference. Getting a washing machine from your husband who lives with you would be a big faux pas, getting it from your bf who doesn’t live with you is (for me) a good present. I do think he should have also got OP something personal as well.

I think because you don’t live together it is a nice gift for you. If you lived together then I wouldn’t class it as a gift as he would share it too! Perhaps take the washing machine and remind him before Christmas that you’d prefer something girly like he’d gotten your daughter.

I completely get how you feel. I’d wait until a few months before your next birthday and make it really clear you want something special, not practical.

Yanbu

These are not "birthday presents" they are household needs that the household budget should pay for.

If you are the one using them that's because of sexism in the division of household labour but that's a separate fight.

Tell him "it's great that you have noticed that some of our household appliances are in need of replacement but these things are not birthday presents for me, we all benefit from them. I agree they need replacement but if you want to give me a birthday present you might want to avoid giving things that show that you basically regard me as being mainly about household maintenance cooking and cleaning. If that's what I am to you our relationship is in trouble."

I get what you mean but it seems he spends plenty of time at OP’s so it would be for his benefit too.

OK. Keep him then. I would, but that might be because I'm ridiculously pleased with my new Ninja 8-function air fryer and grill. It wasn't a birthday present, but I would still love it even if it was.

Completely agree.

My husband - the selfish bastard - booked a 6-month round-the-world cruise for my birthday and expected to come with me! Can you believe it? What a cunt!

Naturally, I LTB and went on the cruise on my own.

When I got back I found him on the doorstep with a brand new washing machine. My heart melted and I forgave him immediately when he promised that the spanking new top-of-the-range Miele washing machine was strictly for my use only and that he would take his own laundry to the nearest launderette ten miles away.

That's what I call a decent man.

@SummerHasArrivedatLast 😹 sounds like the retraining has worked

😂

I was once told on here that being taken out to a three-star Michelin restaurant was a selfish present from DH because he would be enjoying it as well.

But even if you’re a cool girl who ‘hates’ flowers and perfume 🙄 my point still stands. An appliance isn’t a gift, unless it’s particularly elite, bougie or special. And a ninja air fryer isn’t.

A kitchen appliance is part of the joint household equipment. Unless you’re a subscriber to the sexist idea that the kitchen is the woman’s domain. If you’re jumping up and down with joy at being given an air fryer… omg, what does that say about your life?

OP, did you not think to correct him when he said that about the gifts to your daughter?

It's ok to say "well actually I would prefer a gift like that, I can well afford to buy my own kitchen appliances".

Just to be clear, I do not think kitchen appliances are a gift.

I also think staying over every weekend is a lot.
Too much in my opinion.
Your children should be able to have a weekend in their home without him.

Anything that means I have more spare cash to spend on myself is a win. Right now I need to replace my windscreen and I think the washing machine might be on the way out. If anyone wanted to buy me either of those I'd be bloody delighted.

It has. Almost...

Unfortunately, he hasn't had time to go to the launderette recently, because he's working 12 hours a day seven days a week to pay for my cruise and washing machine.

His clothes were getting a bit whiffy, so I offered to let him use my washing machine as a one-off. I didn't let him press any of the buttons though and warned him that if it happens again he will have to buy me another birthday present.

It has. Almost...

Unfortunately, he hasn't had time to go to the launderette recently, because he's working 12 hours a day seven days a week to pay for my cruise and washing machine.

His clothes were getting a bit whiffy, so I offered to let him use my washing machine as a one-off. I didn't let him press any of the buttons though and warned him that if it happens again he will have to buy me another birthday present.

🤣🤣🤣

Ungrateful much?

My older daughter is in University and doesn't live at home. My younger one - loves having my partner around because he is the father figure she never had (my ex husband was extremely abusive and we got divorced when my younger was 2yo and he moved away abroad). If he doesn't come at weekend, my younger one gets upset and messages him to ask why.
He doesn't have any kids and loved to spoil her as if she is his own.

He is good in every other way - but extremely practical and not a romantic person. You are right, I should've corrected him. But didnt want to upset him or come across as ungrateful.

I think I'd try to find a way to tell him that as much as you appreciate the thought behind these expensive gifts, you personally value gifts from the man in your life that are just for you as a woman.

But simultaneously, maybe try to view them as thoughtful, considerate gifts...and find that romantic?

I don't spend money on household items unless the old one has got to the point that it is unusable and can't be repaired. And generally a brand new item is much better (and may have new features) over a lots-of-years-old item. Therefore I'd consider a person noticing that I was using an old item that was on its last legs and replacing it would be thoughtful as it would give me a new item that I wasn't about to buy myself.

On the Christmas present thread it is always suggested that if you are struggling for present ideas then you should look to see what the person is using a lot but is now very old, and buy them a new improved vers ion of it.

i personally have no interest in air fryers, but it sounds like OP does. But I also value practical items over frivolous gestures.