AIBU to be disappointed with my birthday present?

[RoxanneT]

I'm divorced with two teenage children and have been seeing a lovely man for over two years now. He's kind, hardworking, earns good money, is generous, and my children love him. But he's very unromantic.

For my birthday he bought me... a new Ninja cooker. I already have one, but he said mine is getting old and I use it all the time, so he thought I'd appreciate a newer model. He also wants to buy me a new washing machine next weekend as the rest of my birthday present because mine needs replacing.

I know these are expensive gifts, and I know he genuinely meant well, so I feel guilty even writing this. But when I opened the present, I was so disappointed. I didn't want kitchen appliances. I wanted something that made me feel special as a woman, even if it was much cheaper - flowers, perfume, jewellery, or just something romantic.

I'm going to tell him not to buy the washing machine.

AIBU for feeling upset, or am I just being ungrateful?

Take the washing machine and then next time tell him what you want.

My DP brought me 2kittens one xmas, they were lovely, 2 love birds for valentines day l, 2 chinchillas for my birthday in March and 4 rabbits for Easter, by then I had to tell him no more animals and we agreed to just do xmas and birthdays and would do experiences weekend away or day trip. This was nearly 20 years ago and I've made him stick to it. Was a hard conversation as they werw all amazing pets and i did tell him id love a household full of pets. The chinchillas are still alive.

I definitely see your point. I’m not sure I’d be over the moon with a washing machine but I do see gifts as things that someone might want or need that they don’t then have to spend their own money on. So I think he was being thoughtful.

I'd be well happy with this OP.

I don't do presents at all but if I did then practical ones would be the best. Someone buying me a new washing machine so I don't have to spend my own money on something that's just a necessary purchase and therefore giving me the gift of having more spare money to spend on myself is a brilliant present.

Things DH has requested in the past from his parents for Christmas have included an air fryer, a frying pan, a set of kitchen knives and electric hedge trimmers.

On another thread just this week when someone asked for ideas for her partner she was told that upgrading a practical item in this way was ideal.

I don’t really think all practical gifts are equal… some are definitely more appealing than others. I’d like some coffee making paraphernalia with some good beans as an example. Ultimately I think you’ve got to drop massive hints in the weeks leading up to it or send links. I know you want him to walk into Selfridges and choose some sophisticated piece like Alan Rickman in Love Actually ( for his fancy woman ) but ultimately how he treats you on the day to day is more important

I mean…. Imagine a keen chef getting a cool Japanese knife for his collection? Thats a great present. A camera or a lens …. A nice pen…all of these are presents I’ve received or given that are good imo.

My husband of over 20 years is fabulous in most ways but terrible at presents. I don't care, much better than my ex that bought lovely jewelry but was a twat.

I always thought items for the kitchen were a no no as gifts unless they’d been specifically asked for . Tell him now that you’d appreciate personal gifts not gifts for the home otherwise every time something is looking old it’ll be your next present

I have 4 bottles of perfume as DH buys it as default now. 🙄

In the scheme of things unromantic presents are not he end of the world and he sounds like he has other wonderful qualities of let this go . Use the money you where going to have to use to replace washing machine on something nice for yourself .

Dump him.

Let him find one of the many women who would really appreciate a man like him. You can then look forward to to finding someone who will buy you a load of cheap "romantic" shite.

You can buy perfume for yourself just as easily as you can buy domestic appliances. It sounds like he is a good and loving man. Let him show his love for you in a way that is appropriate for him, rather than by some artificial notion created by clever marketing.

There are plenty of men who are big on the performative, romantic gestures, but are shit partners in other ways.

My ex-husband was into hearts, flowers and romantic trips away. He was so good at it that he managed to keep it going throughout the two years he was doing the same for another woman (and getting her pregnant).

He used his time efficiently by ordering the same bouquets for both of us, booking the same hotels for "romantic" breaks (for separate occasions, obviously). He even gave us exactly the same Valentine card one year. By your definition he was a better man than yours.

You can give me a loving loyal man, a Ninja and a washing machine over my ex-husband any day of the week.

i think you should tell him,
where are my flowers?

Yes, have him replace your appliances.

My DH is always gifting me an appliance or gadget. I have told him to source one of those Japanese washing machines.

Give him a hint if there's something you really want.

I agree with you if the couple are living together, but if they are not, which I am assuming is the case here as the OP refers to “mine” (rather than “ours”) needing replacing, I think it’s rather different.

But maybe he has noticed you don't buy them. You mention the washing machine for example and say it does need replacing, but maybe he has noticed you haven't done anything about it so to him this is a romantic gesture.

Perfume, jewellery and flowers are all generic tat. Often requiring little thought. Pop into a supermarket grab a bunch of flowers, job done. Same with perfume. Nip into superdrug, ask what is popular these days and buy it, no thought.
Noticing the washing machine needs replacing though is thoughtful.

Romantic gifts are a waste of money. I'd take a washing machine over jewellery everytime. However, I am not a romantic and all that stuff makes me cringe! I do like flowers though, and just buy them for myself.

Just to add that I bought my husband an airfryer as a gift and he was overjoyed. Uses it most days.

Stuff for the home isn’t a gift
but he means well

what did you get him for Xmas and birthdays ?

Hes practical.
Any man wishing to buy a washing machine and a appliance inqould use everyday would one i qouldnt complain about.
As long as he doesnt take it should it ever end!
Appreciate what you get.

You can say that about anything though. You can also afford to buy your own perfume.
And perfume is a dangerous gift anyway. If he buys what you always buy, he's got no imagination, and you've already got loads anyway. If he buys something different he's at risk of you saying "why would you want me to smell like that, it's nothing like my usual one". With your ninja he's seen an opportunity to buy something he thinks you'll appreciate because you will use it.

We don't live together. But he spends every weekend (Friday night till Monday morning) in my house.

OK to be disappointed I think, but not upset. Have the conversation with him, hopefully he will listen and change things up.

You can't make someone who is crap at presents, good at presents. But you can expect them to listen to specific feedback on what things are bad presents for you.

Keep the conversation two way. It sounds like your present style is very different to his, so it's quite possible that he thinks your ideas of gifts for him are equally awful, though he may be too polite to say so. In this case maybe a weekend away would be nicer than the washing machine.

Flowers and perfume aren't romantic, they're generic.

Noticing something that will make your life nicer on a daily basis is pretty romantic to me.

DH and I prefer to take each other out to fancy restaurants instead of gifts, but I'd say 90% of my presents to him over the years have been kitchen-related (he loves cooking) - including a Ninja food processor actually (which he still uses all the time). Most of his presents to me these days are about making my WFH office more comfortable - I think the standing desk that I can wind up and down (I'd been complaining of lower back pain) might be the best gift I've ever received in terms of making a difference to my life. Which I'll take over "romantic" or "feeling special as a woman" (what does that even mean? I feel special as a woman already, perfume wouldn't move the needle in any way) any day.

They are shit presents for a 2yr relationship.

I’d buy myself flowers and perfume with the money saved from having to buy new appliances 🤪