AIBU to be disappointed with my birthday present?

[RoxanneT]

I'm divorced with two teenage children and have been seeing a lovely man for over two years now. He's kind, hardworking, earns good money, is generous, and my children love him. But he's very unromantic.

For my birthday he bought me... a new Ninja cooker. I already have one, but he said mine is getting old and I use it all the time, so he thought I'd appreciate a newer model. He also wants to buy me a new washing machine next weekend as the rest of my birthday present because mine needs replacing.

I know these are expensive gifts, and I know he genuinely meant well, so I feel guilty even writing this. But when I opened the present, I was so disappointed. I didn't want kitchen appliances. I wanted something that made me feel special as a woman, even if it was much cheaper - flowers, perfume, jewellery, or just something romantic.

I'm going to tell him not to buy the washing machine.

AIBU for feeling upset, or am I just being ungrateful?

For Xmas I bought him a new gym bag (he mentioned before he needed to get one), also sports toiletries and some Gymshark clothes.

For his birthday - I've ordered really nice custom made (engraved) silver bracelet.

My gift were planned in advance and something he wanted (he told me about that particular bracelet make few months earlier and I've ordered it from USA well in advance).

Id be thrilled with this! What you could do is spend the money it cost to buy the air fryer you were going to replace, go on a shopping trip and treat yourself. That way you can buy yourself exactly what you like.

Yes, me too. The laundry has always been my job. It’s a chore, an obligation, not a hobby. If DH had ever bought me (with our money) a washing machine and presented it as a special gift I’d’ve been very annoyed.

However if MIL or DM had bought one for “us” then that would have been great!

In OPs situation it think it’s pretty good - saved her a few hundred to treat herself.

I personally would like those but I’m not very romantic. I’d rather have a new washing machine ( if I needed one) than a fancy dinner and jewellery, but only if we didn’t live together.

I agree with PP about the contrived notion of “romantic” gifts: flowers and a box of Milk Tray from the local petrol station is utterly crap even if traditionally romantic; only marginally better is the first bottle of perfume that looks OK from the Perfume Shack.

Putting time and thought into a gift makes it special or personal.

I get what you mean OP - they’re not just practical - they’re for the household not for you. So, he’s staying every weekend and got annoyed with the ninja and washing machine not performing the best and thought - great idea, I’ll upgrade them for her..but it feels like a gift to himself for your bday. Whereas the PPs examples of coffee items for someone who loves coffee or gardening knife for someone who truly relaxes in their garden are practical but very different (to me even a wok is different to a ninja). To me his gifts don’t show how he sees you as an actual person (doesn’t mean he doesn’t though). My latest bday gift was a blanket - it’s practical but I Iove sitting under blankets for 90% of the year. YANBU to be upset, if it bothers you that much I would have a gentle conversation about how those gifts make you feel and tell him while you appreciate it, you’d rather skip the washing machine. I wouldn’t do it in an accusatory kind of way or suggest swaps though - it’s thoughtless but not mean spirited or last minute dash to corner shop for a box of chocolates.

Honestly I don’t give a stuff about gifts, so this would not bother me in the slightest. I don’t think it’s worth getting upset about gifts, as people have such wildly differing ideas about what is appropriate/matters. Nobody’s ‘wrong’, it’s just a minefield of potential angst, when more often than not, people mean well or just don’t get it. Is he loving and romantic in the way he speaks to you, cares for you, treats you, spends time with you? Then treasure this, and don’t look to him for thoughtful and romantic gifts. Buy them for yourself!

Just to add some context, because I don't think I've explained why this upset me so much.

A couple of weeks before my birthday, it was my daughter's 15th birthday. He bought her lovely gifts – perfume, Pandora earrings and flowers. So it's not that he doesn't know what women and girls generally like.

When he gave me the Ninja cooker, he said, "You're not a 15-year-old girl. She likes those things. I'd rather buy you something practical."

It made me feel as though he doesn't see me as a woman who still deserves to feel feminine or be spoiled occasionally. Instead, I'm the person who gets a kitchen appliance because that's apparently more appropriate for my age.

The irony is that I put a lot of effort into my appearance. I go to the gym six times a week, always make an effort with my hair, nails and clothes, and I know that's something he finds attractive. He LOVES taking me out and SHOWING OFF to his friends and family. So it really stung that, when it came to my birthday, I was basically told that flowers, perfume and jewellery are for teenage girls, whereas I should be happy with something practical.

I'm genuinely not upset because it wasn't expensive enough. I'm upset because it made me feel like I've stopped being someone who deserves romantic, feminine gifts.

Have you told him what you'd like instead, or given him a list of gidfts you would love to receive?

If you have and he ignores those in favour of what he wants, you may have a point. If you haven't...to use a Mumsnet favourite phrase, use your words.

If we needed a new washing machine we’d buy one, like any domestic appliance. It’s not a completely thoughtless gift but it’s a household necessity - more of a need than a want. Might be worth accepting with good grace but dropping a few hints for next time.

Seriously, these are thoughtful presents. He’s looked at what you need. He doesn’t live with you by the sounds of things so it sounds like he is trying to make your life easier which is massively thoughtful. Much better that generic perfume or (puke) underwear sets. My husband buys all that stuff and I wish he could open his eyes to what we actually need. I can buy my own perfume.

Nice presents

you obv need to hint a few weeks /months that you like abc

I think exactly the same. Plus I'd be pleased that he'd noted the Ninja was getting old and had paid enough attention to know that I used it all the time and might appreciate a new version of it.

And then I can sepnd the money I haven't spent on replacing a dull appliance, on something for myself that I really want (which I won't get if I leave it for someone else to randomly work out).

Why don’t you feel special that he has chosen you gifts that are useful , that you need ? Why isn’t that romantic for you?

I think he’s actually been more thoughtful than buying generic stuff like flowers and perfume that requires zero imagination. But if that’s not how you feel, tell him.

I think perfume, Pandora and flowers for a 15 year old shout "I have no idea what you really like so I have bought generic 15 year old girl presents".

If you are someone who is particular about your appearance, I can imagine it's difficult to buy you "appearance" related gifts as he's likely to get it wrong in terms of what you like to use/deem appropriate quality.

I'm usually a LTB poster but I think he's a keeper!

Then go and spend the money you had earmarked for the washing machine on a pair of extravagant shoes/ a bag/ dress, whatever your thing is. I have quite specific tastes so I would see this as ideal because I could then treat myself on exactly the item I want, with no guilt
and obviously I would not have dreamt of asking for a gift as expensive as a washing machine, so win win result!

The facts:

He's kind, hardworking, earns good money, is generous, and my children love him

he is spending approx £800(?) on your birthday

He treats your children very well based on your dds birthday.

He likes to "show you off".... which i think is a gross phrase but speaks to how enamoured / proud of you he is.

While no one is "wrong" per se and everyone can do what they like... you can easily buy yourself whatever perfume you want with the £800 you saved....

The men available in middle age are generally dire.

To quote Taylor Swift "there's a lot of lame guys out there"

Imo you'd be very foolish to throw a good relationship away becuase you cant bring yourself to say "I'll buy my own washing machine use the £500 to take me to Paris for lunch for day!!!" Or whatever....
I wpuldnt even bother doing that I'd just use your £500/£800 to go to Paris / buy shoes or perfume or whatever and get the EXACT one i want.

I always despair at posts like this. Its the kind of thing written by women who are 5"3 and won't date a guy under 6ft

You're lucky to even get a present. There are plenty on this forum who don't receive any acknowledgement of their birthday, mother's Day, Christmas. At least your partner thought about what you might like, even if it wasn't a great idea.

If you want to make a point match his energy. Perhaps a new pair of driving gloves for Christmas .... and buy yourself something nice.

Half and half could work. I’m cheerful about getting a practical gift - but my partner also buys me a ‘romantic’ gift as well. 👍

Just tell him (nicely) next year.

Just to add some context, because I don't think I've explained why this upset me so much.
A couple of weeks before my birthday, it was my daughter's 15th birthday. He bought her lovely gifts – perfume, Pandora earrings and flowers. So it's not that he doesn't know what women and girls generally like.
When he gave me the Ninja cooker, he said, "You're not a 15-year-old girl. She likes those things. I'd rather buy you something practical."
It made me feel as though he doesn't see me as a woman who still deserves to feel feminine or be spoiled occasionally. Instead, I'm the person who gets a kitchen appliance because that's apparently more appropriate for my age.

The irony is that I put a lot of effort into my appearance. I go to the gym six times a week, always make an effort with my hair, nails and clothes, and I know that's something he finds attractive and one of the main reasons he wants to be with me. He LOVES taking me out and SHOWING OFF to his friends and family. So it really stung that, when it came to my birthday, I was basically told that flowers, perfume and jewellery are for teenage girls, whereas I should be happy with something practical.

I'm genuinely not upset because it wasn't expensive enough. I'm upset because it made me feel like I've stopped being someone who deserves romantic, feminine gifts.

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest, OP, no matter how many women rock up to tell you that romantic gifts are generic and they'd love a washing machine.

OK that is quite an interesting update. @RoxanneT "I'm genuinely not upset because it wasn't expensive enough. I'm upset because it made me feel like I've stopped being someone who deserves romantic, feminine gifts."

I wonder if it's a completely different problem to this. You are listening to what he says he wants. But he is not listening to you. He's telling you to shut up and get back in your box, he decides what you want now.

The fact he likes showing you off doesn't give me any more faith that he is seeing you as a real person and listening to you. Maybe I'm overthinking but this is starting to sound rather controlling.

I have no intention of throwing away the relationship, not at all. 😄It wasn't the point I was trying to make.
It's more of should I say something to him next time? Or shall I just keep quiet and be grateful for what I get? and be mindful of his feelings, because he means well in his way.