AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

[Weejayy]

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

I thought Cathy was going to turn out to be a horse when I read about the oats on the windowsill.

I think he’s trying to pursue her that much is obvious right?! Whether you have caught them in time or not, he was definitely shooting his shot.

So obviously cheating. Ask her, in person, since he is already lying. Better yet, just go, and leave them to it. Why would he be going out of his way to be a shoulder to cry on for a female friend? Not 2 minutes after she's single. You couldn't make it up.

When my parents split up quite a few men who were long standing friends of both of them made moves on my mum.

i know NAMALT, but urgh, men.

It's not looking good. It's not looking good at all, why's he being so evasive about it all? Whys Cathy not saying anything? I do not like the sound of it one bit. Don't be afraid to say something: no doubt they will complain that your being controlling or insecure of unhinged if you do, but so what, that damage is done either way on my view. Break that party up!

Sorry if this has already been asked, but out of curiosity why did Cathy and her partner split?
Are you close enough to her ex partner to seek his thoughts on it? Or do you have any other mutual friends?
I’d be careful before you go all in and speak to Cathy about it as you don’t want to end up potentially ruining a friendship if you’re wrong.

I would actually go further with this.

I find the whole "it's wrong to look at your partner's phone" thing on MN deeply weird. DH and I use each other's phones pretty freely. Not saying where you are or getting cagey about questions is a red flag to me. If you have nothing to hide, it isn't intrusive, it's interested.

The sowing his oats joke was funny but the actual porridge thing wasn't: it was overly intimate for the circumstances and ick. He looked a desperate goober.

Since Cathy has raised it with you and have shown your suspicion to him, I'd be inclined to just put it on the table with Cathy. If they are up to something, they know enough now to get sneaky so staying quiet isn't going to help. I suspect Cathy is not into him and a bit embarrassed.

ETA if she finds it a weird too, I'd then just be brutal with DH: "I spoke to Cathy about all this wooing her with porridge and we have both agreed it's a bit ick."

Just click on the one you want, if not on a phone, apparently.

@Weejayy Clearly your husband is treating you like you're a thick idiot.

🤣🤣🤣

On at least two occasions he’s sneaked out of the house without the op knowing or seeing what he was up to. He crept around with the oats to put on her bedroom windowsill? Kitchen? Hoping to get a peek of her just waking or getting up? Did he tap on the window to alert her and what then? Did she let him in or did he give a cheesy grin and sneak back home again before being found out? On the second occasion he’s gone at 6 am on Saturday morning and my guess is that she let him in and they didn’t go jogging or to town. It reads like a Benny Hill script, sorry, showing my age here!

Just make a joke of it. She might be relieved you have confronted it if she's noticed his attentions and thought them OTT.

Who cares about making DH look silly at this juncture: he's not worried how it all looks for you.

And if she is up to something, who cares about her and what she thinks.

I'd just splice the thing open and see what's inside at this point and given what has already been said.

That’s the funniest comment on here ! 😂

And he was out for a early morning ride.🐎😬

Oh honey…

I agree with you except for that last paragraph! If he's being a sex pest with Cathy why would you want to remain married to such a deceitful creep? When the trust is gone......

Sorry, can I ask- what does husband (31m) mean?!

If someone wanted to woo me it would take more than overnight oats, what a weird choice of gift.

Yes, I'm wondering if he was actually with her or just lurking. Really odd to leave the oats on the windowsill, really odd full stop but especially the windowsill, and there's a reason Cathy wants OP to know.

.......And all because the lady loves.... Overnight Oats❤️.

I'm struggling to believe any of this is real, and isn't just some bored housewife trying her hand at a spot of comedy writing.

Overnight oats. That’s a new one. Sorry OP - it’s more like overnight stay.

He’s 31 months old. Hence the overnight oats, teething and all that.

Yes, true. Though personally I'd still enjoy the chance to tell him you have both been openly discussing his sexy overtures and found them ludicrous!

I kind of hope so.

It would be such a wet, soggy sexual advance.

Hi op he was definitely being evasive I would be asking why is he seeing her so early could she have broken up with her man because she wants your man. Either way don’t ignore your gut. He has no reason to lie to you if it’s normal and I would definitely ask her if your dh is coming on to her.

But, what did he say when he got back home?
And is it normal for him to bugger off before 6 am without letting you know he is out? Not normal in my household. At all.
He has a lot of explaining to do.
Leaving a phone behind makes full sense. But... in that case, you call/ text straight away when you get it back. Or it is one of the first things you say to your partner when you get a call from them.

It is very weird and sounds full on guilty.
I would ask her too. Face to face.