AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

[Weejayy]

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

She is not your friend.

I would talk to her, yes. Face to face though. Don't accuse her of anything, just ask if she went for a run with DH yesterday morning.

If it turns awkward, then you have your answer don't you.

So, @Weejayy any update?

I'm not so sure about this.

That is one possible plot.

But to me the obvious betrayal is coming from DH. It is possible Cathy isn't into it.

So come on, did you ask either of them
directly?

I’m really sorry but the way you tell it, he’s quite obviously sleeping with her.

I would have just watched and waited. He will just cover his tracks . Back off like it’s nothing to let his guard down and then wait . If he’s playing - you will know

Something dodgy going on. Otherwise why is he lying or at least struggling to tell the truth

I'd invite Cathy over for dinner. Pay close attention to how they act around each other without making it obvious. After dinner I would pour a glass of wine and ask them outright. Only you will know your preferred approach for asking difficult questions but I think I would be inclined ito say something like "you know people think there is something going on between you two. I think if thats true it will come out at some point and if it is true I would rather k ow here and now straight from the horses mouth. I dont want to spend months second guessing of finding out for sure from someone else" id take a big glug of wine, look them straight in the eye and say "so is it true?". Neither will know what the other is likely to say so watch to see if they try and exchange glances as they wont have had time to decide if they want to admit it or not but if you suddenly put them on the spot, their body language should tell you.

If they're not sleeping with each other yet, its because she's not yet given into him yet. Judging by the answers he feels guilty about what he's doing.

Maybe be upfront n ask them both, while your all together, surely you should be able to tell if he's being dishonest.

I’d be suspicious. I’m not convinced he went for a run with her as why wouldn’t he just say that. And why did he seem panicked? Definitely something up with this.

Yes .. ask her sounds dodgy to me sorry op x

@Weejayy
He really does go the mile for some oats doesn't he??????

The very best outcome I can think of is it’s an emotional affair and they’ve been caught before they started shagging. He’s lied to you. He’s round her house before you woke up without telling you where he is. All unforgivable.

What was my husband doing round at your house before I woke up at 6am? And still doing at 9am?

I came to this thread late because. How many replies?? Can someone please fill me in if there has been an update.

too late now but to OP I wouldn’t have made my husband suspicious I knew. Once he started lying to you about his whereabouts, that’s all you needed to go into spy mode. If he thinks you know, any evidence on a phone will have been deleted. Location sharing will be off or not accurate. I don’t think it’s a good thing to snoop when there is no reason to. Trust is a big thing. But if he’s at a woman’s house and you know he’s there and has no reason to be there and he lies to you about being there then it’s fair game to snoop.

This doesn't seem like normal behaviour. I would feel incredibly suspicious in your shoes too OP. As others have said you can either ask outright if your suspicions are correct or gather more evidence before confrontation. Good luck with this.

Heathcliffe, it's me, it's Cathy
I've come home now, I'm so cold
Leave some oats on my window

Sorry, your husband is not normal.

Are you in denial? Given the situation you’ve every right to use your words and demand an explanation from both of them about what was going on for 3hrs.

If he was really running there would be some Garmin/Apple running stats to prove it. If he usually monitors his runs and on this occasion he claims he didn’t, don’t accept fall for his BS. Nobody takes a 3hr run and doesn’t use their Garmin or equivalent.

It’s the cagey-ness about his whereabouts that is suss… forget Cathy for a moment, why the hell isn’t he being straight about where he is!

I think what’s odd is he is not being honest with you. If my husband was up and out the house at silly o clock and then his location said he was at the woman’s house, I’d have been pissed!!! Tell you the night before, it’s simply communication and that’ll end your relationship if he is not careful.

Did you actually meet Cathy's useless boyfriend?

At best hes hoping something will happen and is a bit besotted. At worst something is already happening. Some men are sht liars, and woman can spot them a mile off. This is not all he says it is. Sorry....

I'd be sitting him down at this point and telling him that his behaviour with Cathy was utterly unacceptable, and that whether he was having an affair or not, he had behaved in such a peculiar way that he'd raised huge red flags. What kind of married weirdo goes over to leave overnight oats for a woman??? If I was Cathy he'd have freaked me out at that point.

All this shit ends now, with him very open and clear about where he is in future or I would be filing for divorce.

I don't care whether he's having an affair or not - I'm not prepared to be in a relationship with someone who isn't utterly trustworthy and transparent. And he's acting in a very shady manner.

… you need to shower more often.

Maybe he’s the reason why they split up?