AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

[Weejayy]

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

You don’t have to do any of that. You can just decide that you’re not happy about what you’re seeing in front of your very nose and just make that decision accordingly you don’t need any proof.
You can just get divorced without pretzelling yourself

Sorry but 😂

OP, do not doubt yourself.
This is 100% not normal.

He's like a dog sniffing around her and an opportunity.
How disgusting.
He is an absolute liar.
Get yourself checked and get ahead of this.

Don't waste your future on such a liar.
Also don't protect him.
Lean on family and friends.

I know right? When I was a young woman people used to come up with all this claptrap to explain poor behaviour from men. It was bullshit and I stayed in bad relationships because I wanted to believe believed it. (maybe he’s depressed, sad, lonely, stressed at work, thinks you’re too keen, thinks you’re not keen enough, doesn’t know how to communicate, had a bad childhood). Never again.

This with bells on. Would he do the same gor 60 year old Mavis or Gary from it? Nah

Agree! Id consider it stalking and creepy rather than sweet to wake up to some random milky porridge on my window sill!

Not to mention she might not even notice it immediately - if he wanted her to see it surely he'd put it on her doorstep! Or it could have blown/fallen off or been knocked off if she opened a window - rancid milk and oats all over the drive really says "im thinking of you" 🤔

As a pp posted out, milk left out for a few
hours in this heat would be a smelly bacteria fest rather than a tasty breakfast. Just a weird idea all around.

Screams affair sorry

So many red flags. The lies, the evading the questions, the general subterfuge, none of that is the response of someone who is just being friendly with someone. Unfortunately, there is more going on here.

Hos often does he drop off food to his male friends? How often does he avoid telling you when he meets his non-Cathy friends?

I've been Cathy in this situation she may well not realise he's chasing her she may be genuinely heartbroken broken and leaning on what she thinks is a friend and it's crossing into difficult territory or she may be jumping into a rebound with you DH. None of that though really matters as he is lying to you, sneaking off when you're not looking and prioritising it not outright chasing another woman. I'd have a very forthright conversation with him but first decide if you want your marriage to survive. He will probably do the whole darvo so check up on the s riot and go into the conversation armed. Your friendship with Cathy won't survive this btw and it shouldn't she should have told him to piss off if she was your friend not let him in at silly o clock

Years ago when first married I had an immaculate neighbour in her 60s with grown up children & good job. She was divorced & attractive with Nigella Lawson looks. She was known to have no strings relationships with men & she didn't care whether they were married or not. I was young & naive & used to think how can they be so keen on a woman that age. I've definitely changed my mind on that one. 😂

I think the only question here is whether Kathy knows or not

The key here is that she’s good looking a good looking woman can do what she wants with men married or single no matter what their age

This stinks. At the very least he’s got some weird crush on her and a guilty conscience

Speakeasier · Today 08:30
Do you think he’d be dropping overnight oats at Mavis’s house in her 60s who’d just split up with her husband? That’s always the clincher for me.

What exactly are you suggesting about women in their 60s?

Dodgy as

That they are less attractive to a young man than women his age🤷‍♀️

The lack of transparency here would definitely worry me. It's not just about the visit, but the fact that he wasn't honest about it.

Yes. Rallying round a woman after a break up is a job for her female friends to do. Unless she's suicidal and has no no one else to turn to, a male friend rushing over implies sniffing around, not rallying

Besides which a married man offering another woman his shoulder to cry on should not be happening! It's the exact material of an emotional affair.

Cathy might actually be horrified tho. I'd wait until I see her face to face then casually mention about your husband popping over (repeatedly) to give her some oats and exercise (side eye with one raised eyebrow) then watch her immediate reaction closely - body language especially.

Ooh yeah mine said that to me too when he didn't tell me she was going along to a work trip in Germany (they worked together)! Now they're married with a 2 year old, and he hasn't seen our DD for over a year 🙄 sorry...

I wouldn’t say affair, but I’d definitely say he’s interested in Cathy and sniffing round, sorry op.

What a piece of shit!!!

What married man leaves gifts (albeit oats!) for another woman who has broken up with someone (& doesn’t tell his wife)?
Then goes awol with her and radio silence for his wife?
A creepy, cheaty one with a crush on the other woman. that’s who.
Sorry OP.

Fishy as hell 😞

If they did a run it'll be on one or both of their STRAVA surely?