Wedding money how much?

[narcASD]

My godson is getting married and the couple have asked for money.
I rarely see him but am close to his mum who is my cousin.
4 of us going, husband, myself and my two kids (10&14).
The meal is £230 per head (my cousin told me, same price for kids).

i read that money should cover food and drinks but i don't have over £800 to give!
i was thinking £200 is that mean?

It actually seems we have very similar values. That is exactly what we do for people who travel for weddings - they are not expected to fork out money on accommodation. The plate cost is (most of the time) a reasonable amount. Nobody would begrudge their friends or relatives not giving huge amounts of money. I only said it’s the social norm.

It reads as if you’ve now assumed we’re all snobby materialistic people who make guests feel unwelcome at our weddings if they can’t pay half a grand in meal costs. Just as you explained, if people cannot contribute cash, they find other ways in which to express gratitude towards the couple and join in with the celebration. It looks different everywhere you go.

I agree. Wedding presents used to be to help you set up home (we still have lots of ours, 30+years later). But now people already have homes before marriage, why don't they just ask for charitable donations? So much nicer.

Please don’t feel pressured to give more than you can afford x

😂

For many people, a honeymoon is a lot more important than a box of china from Ikea, what's wrong with guests contributing?

Why do you think you can police what is an acceptable gift 😂

But the question was from someone who is attending a very expensive wedding and is being told that if can't cover her costs she shouldn't go. In that instance the bride and groom have chosen to spend a ridiculous amount of money on their guests. She isn't being asked to help a poor couple get a start in life. She is being asked to pay for someone else's life style choices. I'm not assuming anything about you but I am assuming that a couple having a £230 per head event are materialistic (well actually I'm assuming they live a ridiculous Internet fueled bubble that is making them feel they have to spend a fortune when they can't afford to).

We love food so it was the area we didn’t have a budget for and just went for what we wanted.

We had a 3 course dinner (amuse-bouche and palate cleanser in addition to the 3 courses). We had drinks on arrival, wine on the table (not cheap wine - I was allowed to choose my favourite wines), we also had a drink to toast and we paid for additional cocktails.

I still get compliments on the food and some of my friends with very fussy palates still say it’s the best food they’ve ever eaten.

of course your gift doesnt have to cover the cost of the wedding meal. they invited you, they chose the menu, yu didn't have any choice of venue etc.
Just give them what you can afford

why shouldn't she take them? They have been invited. its not like going out for a meal that you have to pay for yourself,

@DaisyJo94 Yes, when you add in drink the cost goes up a lot. DD is having a cocktail station and we are having champagne. Not telling guests the cost! DD and her nearly DH are paying for quite a lot themselves and have chosen their own wines. We have sparkling tea too for non drinkers. The bar is open all night! The venue had 6 contracted caterers so have gone with one of them because they know the kitchen and did some great, very tasty, food options and guests get a choice . DD thinks most guests don’t remember good food, only awful food! I think the overall event is remembered though so venue and a fun time probably mean more. We shall see!

Charity donations are an excellent idea! I don’t care what anyone says, there’s just something so grabby and unpleasant about asking wedding guests for money. It wouldn’t be acceptable at any other type of celebration.

I’m also from NI but live in England, and one of the big differences between the 2 places is that NI people are super hospitable and English people, generally, are not.

In NI you wouldn’t dream of turning up to someone’s house for dinner without a bottle of wine or box of chocs, but my English friends turn up here empty-handed more often than not. Likewise, this trend of expecting money from wedding guests is less common in NI (it’s increasing, inevitably) and guests certainly wouldn’t be expected to cover the cost of food. Hospitality is a big part of the NI psyche and if you invite people to something, you feed and water them at your own expense. If you can’t afford to feed 200 guests, you need to just invite 40 guests or 20. Whatever number you can afford to feed generously, and without expectation of guests subsidising it.

To be clear, I’m a single person so am attending weddings on my own. Hence a £30 - £50 gift, on top of all my other expenses. If I was taking a partner and/or children, I would give a bit more, probably £100.

I also drink very little, so I’m not one of the people draining a free bar. I would also suggest that, if budget really is an issue for the wedding couple, it’s fine to limit free drinks to a welcome drink, wine with the meal and a glass of fizz for the toast. I have no problem with a PAYG bar for all other drinks. That would stop people taking the mick, drinking the bar dry of spirits, beer, cocktails, which is what really racks costs up.

People keep saying you don’t have to go to a wedding if you don’t want to, but it’s very difficult to decline without causing offence. Especially as most couples now send a “save the date’ up to a year in advance, so it’s difficult to invent a pre-booked holiday etc as an excuse!

To be clear, I’m a single person so am attending weddings on my own. Hence a £30 - £50 gift, on top of all my other expenses. If I was taking a partner and/or children, I would give a bit more, probably £100.

I also drink very little, so I’m not one of the people draining a free bar. I would also suggest that, if budget really is an issue for the wedding couple, it’s fine to limit free drinks to a welcome drink, wine with the meal and a glass of fizz for the toast. I have no problem with a PAYG bar for all other drinks. That would stop people taking the mick, drinking the bar dry of spirits, beer, cocktails, which is what really racks costs up.

People keep saying you don’t have to go to a wedding if you don’t want to, but it’s very difficult to decline without causing offence. Especially as most couples now send a “save the date’ up to a year in advance, so it’s difficult to invent a pre-booked holiday etc as an excuse!

You follow your cousin’s advice.

The bride and groom choose their budget for their wedding according to their circumstances. Gifts are based on what guests can afford on their budget, not dictated by a lavish bride and groom.

But I’m an old grump who has been glad to see the more recent trend of weddings being less frippery driven and more “happy event” driven.

I would never go to dinner empty handed
You need English friends with better manners and social skills

Went to a wedding in NI recently and we gave £120 as a gift as a couple. I know they are more generous in NI than England but we’d paid flights, transfer, hotel etc.
£150 is fine as a family of 4. If they are high earners and comfortably putting on this lavish wedding they won’t even register the difference probably. Don’t overstretch

@Mermaidmusing It was not really a request for money - the cost of the food (plus drinks) was mentioned and it’s below the gift amount. Obviously the MOB should never ever have said any amount. It should remain private and guests should give what they want. So many have a gift register or accept gifts towards the honeymoon etc. I think people rarely think anyone is tight.

Their choice to pay for such an expensive venue as others have said, your wedding gift isn’t covering the cost of your meal!

We recently attended a wedding and gave them £100. DH wanted to give double but I said that was ludicrous, it was only a colleague! Anyway colleague couldn’t quite believe it when he saw DH at work and said it was a lot so Christ knows what other attendees gave.

To be clear, I’m a single person so am attending weddings on my own. Hence a £30 - £50 gift, on top of all my other expenses. If I was taking a partner and/or children, I would give a bit more, probably £100. It’s not about ‘begrudging’ the cost of attending but couples should me more sensitive to the fact that it’s asking a lot for guests to fork out for travel, hotel rooms, outfits. Easily £300 a head at the least, and many people can’t afford it just for a one day event.

I also drink very little, so I’m not one of the people draining a free bar. I would also suggest that, if budget really is an issue for the wedding couple, it’s fine to limit free drinks to a welcome drink, wine with the meal and a glass of fizz for the toast. I have no problem with a PAYG bar for all other drinks. That would stop people taking the mick, drinking the bar dry of spirits, beer, cocktails, which is what really racks costs up.

People keep saying you don’t have to go to a wedding if you don’t want to, but it’s very difficult to decline without causing offence. Especially as most couples now send a “save the date’ up to a year in advance, so it’s difficult to invent a pre-booked holiday etc as an excuse!

I’m not saying ALL English people do this, but in NI you’d NEVER turn up to dinner or a visit without a gift whereas it’s definitely quite common in England. I don’t think it’s specific to my friends, I think it’s cultural.

APOLOGIES EVERYONE!! My iPad kept freezing when I was originally posting a reply and somehow has now managed to post the same thing 3 times! Doh! Can’t delete or edit so sorry about that 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. Annabelle & James have probably lived together for 5 years, have a home, have 2 jobs and have now decided to get married. Good for them, but wtf should the rest of us pay for a holiday that they (presumably) cannot otherwise afford?! Plenty of us can’t afford a fancy holiday ourselves, never mind funding one for someone else. If they are so lacking in hospitality that they can’t feed & water guests at their wedding without expecting ‘payment’ of some kind in return, they need to give their heads a wobble.

You don't have to at all. But most of us, when attending a wedding, want to give a gift. If that is made easier for me by the couple suggesting money towards their honeymoon would be very welcome then all the better.

Why would I want to faff about trying to decide what to buy them and probably get it wrong when I can have a chore saved for myself by having a simple link to make a cash donation.

I've never once felt I was obliged to do so nor resented it anymore than I would have resented buying them a toaster.

No-one was ever expected to buy a toaster that cost grand though. Before cash became a common 'gift' no-one ever talked about "covering your plate' it was perfectly acceptable for a family to attend a wedding and gift a toaster or a duvet set or some China in the couples chosen pattern. I.e. stuff that was worth about 50 quid. I'm OK with giving cash, gift vouchers etc but not with the idea of having to 'buy' your place. I know how much I can afford to give this shouldn't be decided for me.

I think like £300 would be acceptable unless it's likely to include a free bar where I think £500 is needed.