Wedding money how much?

[narcASD]

My godson is getting married and the couple have asked for money.
I rarely see him but am close to his mum who is my cousin.
4 of us going, husband, myself and my two kids (10&14).
The meal is £230 per head (my cousin told me, same price for kids).

i read that money should cover food and drinks but i don't have over £800 to give!
i was thinking £200 is that mean?

Crikey, that’s a lot per head. I would think £100 as a gift would be fine.

the cost of the venue is completely irrelevant, I would give the exact same amount for a registry office cheap wedding or a stately house luxury wedding.

£200 for 4 guests sounds ok as long as you can afford it.

I only give £500 and plus to siblings, nieces and nephews or god-children.

You ask the relatives of whichever side invited you - directly if you’re close to them, or through other guests, up to the wedding day itself. My parents often took more cash than they thought would be necessary just because they hadn’t heard exactly what the cost per head was. Then at the end of the reception they’d decide how much to put in the envelope, after talking to other guests or the couple’s relatives in person.

There are also some (rude, idiot) individuals who don’t seal the envelope until the end of the night, because they apparently decide how much to give once the food and party have been served. If they don’t consider the entertainment or food good enough, they pay less than they could. Crass and tight! 😂

People are invited regardless of their financial situation, but it’s also totally fine to decline an invitation. I’ve not known meal costs to exceed £100 too often, so it’s still an ok price. Wedding invites come out 9-12 months ahead, giving guests time to plan and save financially, and they very rarely involve travelling to the other side of the country and having to book hotels, etc. Kids are always invited so no extra cost for babysitters.

I once received a wedding invitation in England 3 months before the date. That seemed so strange and late to me - it’s a very short amount of time to get the money together and plan properly. 1 year is what I’m used to in my (European) country!

am from a culture where you cover the meal and then add some on top, but I also wouldn’t take 4 people to a wedding if I couldn’t afford at least a 600-800 gift.

That's quite sad and ridiculous. I wouldnt imagine they is anyone that could afford a £800 gift, weddings are about celebrations so only your rich friends can attend?
And there's no way a meal is £230 a head either!

I am glad that culturally, here or on the continent, no one even expect cash in an envelop, you make a quick bank transfer if you don't buy a gift from a list, and most people give based on their relationship with the couple, not the cost of the wedding.

£200 is so much I don’t think anyone other than parents and aunties/uncles gave us more than £50 in fact most people gave us £20-£30! I didn’t plan a wedding to get cash. The most anyone gave me was £150 and that was my Nan lol

But the only people who knew how much my wedding cost were DH and I. You could have asked my family as much as you liked but they didn't have a clue.

In my mid to late 20s I had a couple of years when we had 10+ wedding invites a year. No way could I afford to pays 100s a time on top of my expenses.

Its just so alien to me to expect guests to cover their costs. Thats not what a guest means.

Its also weird for everyone at the wedding to know how much it cost. It's none of their business, and in my case would have been a breach of the contract as the venue didn't want anyone to know we had paid less than the advertised rate.

I understand it’s weird in the UK for this to happen - I’ve had to explain it to so many friends and they’re always very surprised by it.

It’s completely normal in my home country though, but we’re also generally very open about money. You don’t pay for your share of the wedding costs - only the food element of it. However, we can and do ask how much a wedding costs and it’s a normal topic of conversation. Obviously the couple are free not to divulge that information, and that’s also fine.

I’ve also had years with multiple wedding invites (do not miss the late 20s!) and sadly had to refuse some of them, as I’m not rich by any means.

We just celebrate life events differently back home and I’ve obviously shown none of this behaviour when invited to UK celebrations, as I am not that ignorant to assume it would be the same in every country. I’ve been generous with my cash gifts, but not over the top and have never asked how much the meal cost - except for my best friend’s wedding!

I think £200 is more than acceptable.

In contrast, I’ve seen that many British weddings take place a long way from the couple’s home or family area, and it is expected for guests who might be local to them to make the trip and book themselves transport and hotels for 1/2 nights. There’s many mumsnet threads about it!

I don’t know if this is just a modern trend - I assume many years ago, just like everywhere in the world, people tended to have more local, smaller celebrations - but it’s not something that happens very often in my country.

There are obviously many weddings where the bride and groom are from different parts of the country, or where half the family live on the other side of the world… But you try and house guests from out of town in local accommodation - either with other guests, extended family or even in the houses of friends who may not be attending the wedding. More recently, some couples have organised a block of rooms in local hotels at a discounted rate, or even paid the costs outright themselves. My most memorable wedding trip was going to Paris to see the daughter of some friends get married (to a Parisian) - the invites came in January for a late October wedding so we booked cheap Ryanair flights, were picked up by the groom’s family and housed with some local friends of the couple. We slept on air mattresses for the weekend and had the best time. We couldn’t have afforded 2 nights in Paris for all of us, plus the gift…

Expenses for guests should be kept low, nobody should be that much out of pocket by attending the wedding. If I don’t have to take expensive trains + taxis to the venue, and pay £100+ for a hotel room, I’ll be much more generous with my gift and won’t mind giving £250 for me and my DH to attend, for example.

I’m always surprised by English couples getting married in Scotland or by destination weddings abroad! I’d have a small quiet ceremony if I chose to do that, and not invite anyone else unless I could cover their full costs!

In that situation I would give £200

@ChiasMarineras What extended family? I don’t have one. Lucky you if you do! It’s pretty standard to hire events places for weddings and they can never be handy for everyone nor csn there be extended family for everyone. Of course guests are out of pocket in the main. If you only have local friends and family great but who has that these days - except maybe some cultures where girls are not allowed to go off to university. Whether people attend a wedding or not is up to them but the costs of a wedding can be big and most people don’t pay hotel bills on top!

Are you in the uk? For a family I’d say £150-£200. If you’re in Ireland that’s a different matter entirely.

I personally would give £1000 in this case with 4 going but it depends what other people in your circle do. If you don’t have it you can’t give it!

Our wedding meal was £250 a head and we would never have expected anyone to contribute that. Some guests gave nothing, most gave around £50 a head and some were more generous.

We are in that phase of life where we are attending weddings almost monthly so we try and keep to £100 as a couple. A recent wedding we went to cost us £1000 between the hotel for 2 nights (it was a 4 hour drive away), meals, fuel, outfits and gift. Luckily most are more local!

50€

@DaisyJo94 New outfits a mostly optional. Nearly everyone I know doesn’t mind the odd new frock. DD says she’s been to over 35 weddings and some were abroad. They are all
optional. Some have been mega swish dos for several days, so more clothes needed but again, it’s optional. DD has the money and enjoys them though.

Yes, of course! I’ve had to buy new outfits as my body has changed so much. The joys of being a woman! DH just wears the same suits in rotation with a different tie to match my dress 😂

You fixated on the extended family, but that was my exactly my point - either them or other guests or friends would host people travelling from afar. It doesn’t all fall on the direct relations.

Not sure about the cultures you mention, as I left home for uni and never returned, have lived all over the world so know a fair bit about travelling for weddings, funerals etc.

I am still of the opinion that hiring a venue hundreds or thousands of miles away from where the couple’s base of guests is from, makes very little sense financially. It’s fine if you want a beautiful celebration, but don’t try to save some money on a venue in the sticks, at the cost of your guests having to fork out extra expenses. Get married locally and invite less people.

I am genuinely curious as have never been to such a wedding - what did your £250 meal include? Was that with or without drinks?

Hey Bob and Jenny, I know you aren't coming to our wedding because if you did you would have to give us a grand to cover meals for you and the kids but I've got two mates from uni who are doing so much better in life than you so they can afford to pay me back for the truffles and caviar so I need you to let them sleep at your house.

If I got married somewhere with this ridiculous 'rule' I would have chosen home made cheese sandwiches for the food so that everyone I love could afford to be there, not just the rich ones. Which seem stupid as we could afford a lovely meal for all our guests.

I’m also glad never to have witnessed that because yes, ridiculous 😂

White British Mumsnetters People certainly have very limited imaginations and struggle to understand just how different social interactions or traditions are in other countries.

Perhaps think about that before mocking someone else’s home country or culture, next time. It’s good you could afford a lovely meal for all your guests. Well done you. Where I’m from, we find joy in contributing to the union and celebration of two people who are starting their life together. The community rallies around them and helps them start married life with a little extra cash than they had prior to organising the party. It’s called mucking in.

Oh btw, if you know anyone serving truffles and caviar at their wedding, please let me know where to find them as that would be a first for me. I can offer a lovely and traditional soup, stew and meat with polenta and potatoes wedding menu in exchange. It definitely won’t cost you a grand.

This is irrelevant, it also doesn’t matter that it’s £230 per head for food! You’re not paying to attend, they can pay however much or little they want for food and drinks that is their choice. You gift however much you can afford or want to gift.

Umm what makes you soo certain I'm white? Whatever it is you are wrong.

if you know anyone serving truffles and caviar at their wedding, please let me know where to find them

Presumably the people who are having a £250 per head meal.

Some the the very best wedding I've been to have been done with help and love of the community meaning people contributed to food by bringing a dish, making cakes etc but not by feeling that if they couldn't cover a certain amount they would have to forego taking their partner or missing the wedding entirely.

My wedding guests were my guests that means it was on me to feed them, I could afford to provide a nice meal (but certainly not at £230 meal) for the number of people we wanted to invite. If I felt people would have felt obliged to pay me back for that meal I would have chosen a much cheaper option because I didn't want people to not attend because of money. Hence we provided accommodation for friends who were travelling from overseas and one who had recently lost their job. Their being there was of far greater value to us than them 'covering their plate'.

Nobody should be telling you what the meal cost, how vulgar is that? You are invited, therefore the couple and/or their parents should be paying for all the guests. You absolutely do not have to "pay for your plate".
Give as much or as little as you can afford, and write a thoughtful card - it's supposed to be a gesture of goodwill, and you are not buying buying tickets!