Wedding money how much?

[narcASD]

My godson is getting married and the couple have asked for money.
I rarely see him but am close to his mum who is my cousin.
4 of us going, husband, myself and my two kids (10&14).
The meal is £230 per head (my cousin told me, same price for kids).

i read that money should cover food and drinks but i don't have over £800 to give!
i was thinking £200 is that mean?

Absolutely insane. Its their choice to pay 230 a head. I dont know what the going rate is these days but its surely not more than 100 per adult person. 150 should be more than enough

I agree with pp that it's their choice to have such an expensive wedding and it's not fair to expect guest to cover the cost.

That said, I know some cultures have this expectation but then they wouldn't have had such a high cost per head.

Please don't give more than you can afford.

I think £200 is very generous to be honest. Give what you can afford.

The cost of the meal at the venue they choose is completely irrelevant, I would say £50-100 max. £200 seems too high.

£230?? That’s a crazy amount of money, and their crazy choice.

£200 is more than generous.

Give only what you can afford.

200 is very generous.

Couples and their parents only spend as much as they can afford on a wedding. It is not up to guests to reimburse them the cost.

£200 is very generous, I dint even think you need to give that much. The figure you were quoted probably includes more than the meal alone, but you aren’t obliged to cover the cost of a meal that someone else has chosen for you anyway.

£150 sounds just about right . £50 is measly .

£200 is fine. Covering your plate is absolute nonsense, it's entirely their choice to have an expensive meal and it's not for the guests to pay for it.

I usually do £100. But only if I can afford it - it’s not upto guests to cover the cost of the wedding!
I’ve spent hundreds just going to weddings recently, with transport, hotels, clothing etc. I’d just have to say no if the expectation is to pay £250/ guest -
could go on holiday for that!

Gosh thats a fancy wedding!
At £230 per head for food they must be well off so you might be better off getting them an actual gift (either something sentimental or experiential)

I think if you arent rolling it and it's just you £200 is more than fine

You'll be told on here £50 is fine (& maybe it is 🤷🏻‍♀️) My family is Irish though and we've a more generous culture i think vs brits.
Eg. My dm gave her godson £
€1k when he married 20 years ago (and shes not that wealthy). I went to my cousin wedding about 6 years ago we gave her €400 as a couple and that was fairly unremarkable ie. No one was like WOW thats insanely generous.

£100 is fine. £200 is generous. It's their choice to have such an expensive wedding.

This is the insidious creep of American wedding culture into UK. I’m hoping this is a Michelin star restaurant? If not, that cost per head definitely includes cutlery hire, flowers Dj etc etc too.

our 3 course silver service wedding ‘breakfast’, canapés before, late night snacks (think mini fish and chips, baby burgers) for everyone by a really good caterer (ex Michelin restaurant chef) , but excluding wine, was c£75 per head

No way the meals costs that. They’ve divided the whole cost of the wedding venue per guest. So it may be that they’ve paid £23,000 for 100 guests but much of that will be unavoidable costs.
We have just been to a wedding with similar costs and numbers and amongst the people in my family we did £200 per family. And the couple were extremely grateful. We had a clear message that they expected nothing as they knew weddings are already expensive to attend. I reckon we paid £600 on top of the gift.
If everyone paid their costs weddings would be free!

£50-100 is normal.

The meal is never £230.

There are plenty of cultures where money is the accepted gift and I’m fine with it these days but I give £50 to most. For a godson or niece I would give £100.

I am from a culture where you cover the meal and then add some on top, but I also wouldn’t take 4 people to a wedding if I couldn’t afford at least a 600-800 gift.

However, £230 per head is ridiculous. What are you being served, a 5-course Michelin star menu!?

I usually do £150-200 for distant friends or colleagues I don’t know that well, going up to £400-500 for close friends or family (that’s when I go alone, more if I take DH or kids etc).

I’ve never been anywhere claiming the menu was anything over £100-120. And I’ve eaten amazingly at those more expensive weddings, so I don’t understand how they’ve arrived to that figure. Are drinks, venue hire, photographers and dresses all included in that calculation? 😂 Are they expecting the guests to pay for their full wedding?

I also find it hard to believe that the meal is £230 per head.

I would give what you can afford although I would try to cover the most if what the meal was. For example if the meal was £50 per head give £200.

I think £100-200 is fine depending on how close you are to the family. Don't feel obligated to give more than you can afford. I don't believe the cost of the meal is relevant.

If I was going to a wedding simply as a couple, I would gift at least £200. Although where I am from, it is typical to give more than people seem to gift in England.

All of which leads me to wonder @narcASD how it is that you know the cost of the meal and that it’s the same for the children? Is there any suggestion that you’ve been told this as a nudge to suggesting how expensive your family’s meal will be and what you should contribute to cover this? Is that really the cost of the meal or is it the cost per guest of the whole event?

As you are a close friend of the bride‘s mother, is there a way to ask her about what’s expected and ask if it would be easier on finances not to bring your partner and children?

Although I take the point of @ChiasMarineras about not taking four people to a wedding if you couldn’t afford to cover the cost of the meal, this is close family so presumably it would be strange if only @narcASD turned up because of that? Surely it isn’t a question of “taking“ close family members of the bride?

That’s probably venue per head - so drinks, canapés, food, table scapes, flowers etc. It’s probably not just food. We have food and drinks of £30,000 and £20,000 for venue hire. Add in more for band, flowers etc. That brings the cost pp well over £230 (more people) but we aren’t telling anyone what is being paid! That’s the crass bit!

Is it normal now for guests to pay for their place at someone’s wedding?! I would decline any invitation if I was expected to pay over £200 my dinner, I will go to McDonalds instead and have a better time

I agree with the poster who said it is crass that you have been told the cost and also there is no way the sum you have been given is just the cost of the food. £100 for a couple attending is a fairly standard amount to give (as long as its not a destination wedding). If you can give £150 with there being 2 children I would say that is a nice gift.

I would say £100 per couple so £150-200 with 2 kids as well would be ideal but £100 would be ok if you were strapped for cash.