AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

[Lovinggran]

Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.

In December 2021, my son (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my son had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.

After they left, my son claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.

Fast forward to recently: my son and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.

The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.

I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.

I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.

Any poster on this thread using the term ‘paedophile’ in the context of the detail OP has given, not only doesn’t know what the term means, but isn’t qualified to decide whether it applies, given that it’s a clearly defined clinically diagnosed mental health term. It isn’t what you do, it’s what you are.

There’s absolutely nothing in what OP has said to suggest that her DS is a paedophile - the most likely explanation for no further action is that there was nothing on any of his devices that suggests anything other than a mistaken belief that the image was of someone older than they actually were. And we also don’t know whether that was an assumption on DS’s part, or a misrepresentation by the person in the image.

Got away with what ? If the police find no evidence to support a charge, then there’s nothing to get away with. It’s been said about a hundred times that it’s very easy these days to view images of females on the internet who are much younger than they seem, and who often misrepresent their age. DS was 18 at the time so it’s not hard to see how this could happen. And hopefully the police going through his devices would be enough for him to realise how easily it happens.

Yabu. You decided at the time to sweep it under the rug when it suited you and now you're weaponising it to your advantage.

Its not really on.

You are so naive.

In reality there are plenty of sex offenders, rapists and paedophiles walking the streets.

We all know that the conviction rate for rapes and sexual assaults for example is pitiful.

They are many reasons why some of these cases unfortunately don't end up in court and with a conviction.

The perpetrators are still guilty as sin...

But the conviction rates for possession of CSA images is excellent.

Ok, so your son at age 18 may have been technically breaking law if looking at pics of teens under 18 but it wouldn’t have been illegal for him to literally have sex with a 16 or 17 year old. The danger level depends on the age of child in photo but unless they were babies, this doesn’t have much relevance to your issue about your grandchild,

as you were kinship carers I imagine there were some safeguarding concerns about babies parents?

you can apply to court for permission to apply to court for child contact. As you have been babies main carers there is a strong argument to be had that it’s in the child’s best interest to remain part of its life. You could try mediation first to see if your son and gf will agree to any kind of fixed arrangements.

I have to admit that my brain went to....Right, so you have now raised the child to the age where your son is has interest in him. Where the child can begin to be instructed on things.

Sorry, but I d have alarm bells.

Are they still on the radar of SW??

Well, the family court ruled that the child be returned to his parents' care. They will have had access to all SW reports, police material etc.

@Backedoffhackedoffyou can see from the op it was more complicated than that, he’s actively sought these pictures and just because he told him mummy he didn’t know they were underage doesn’t mean it’s true. There are MANY reasons they wouldn’t take it further, probably more hassle than it’s worth given there’s people doing this at scale. You are very quick to defend a potential paedophile. And that’s what he is, potentially. Op wouldn’t be so upset about it if she thought he had accidentally shared a pic of an apparently willing, mature 15 year old. In fact if that were the case the police would likely never even have batted an eyelid!

I’m not sure why you’ve tagged me? What are you replying to?