AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

It’s your holiday, you’ve paid for it and they are inviting someone else who is likely to ruin it. Put your foot down.

Tell them to bugger off, and go and spend the remainder of their holiday in their campervan. This is ridiculous, I don't understand how you've allowed your holiday to be hijacked.

I feel sorry for this other child.

Could you have a word with the owner, so that they insist the others stay in the van nearby? You can say how concerned you are that this family are at risk of breaking the rules without your consent.

If this were me, I would tell PiL they are no longer welcome on the holiday — unless they can find and pay for their own accommodation away from the cottage where you are staying. You can agree to meet them for days out, but tell them you are not willing to pay for them to ruin your trip. Either they leave the niece behind, or they make their own arrangements. They will throw toys from the pram, but it really isn't your problem. No is no. No. Why on Earth should you pay to accommodate people who do not care about you one bit?

Holiday cottage owner will not allow this. The booking is in your name so you will be responsible for voiding the insurance.

It's not too late, niece just stays at home.

Sounds like it's going to be the holiday from hell and the child is high maintenance 🙄 who's child is she?

All you can do is never go on a joint holiday again, you have told them you are not happy- so nothing else to be done.

This is insane. If you don’t want to outright tell them not to bring her then say the owner has explicitly said no more than 7 guests there at any 1 time, but no doubt they’ll find a way around that too.

Im guessing you’re already en route to the cottage op? I would be livid if I were you but my husband would have also put a complete stop to it before it got this far.

I'd be telling them they're going to have to park elsewhere. If the owner lives on site they will absolutely tell you to leave. I really don't think they'll let you stay and them leave tbh. I wouldn't personally if I was them. It would just void your whole booking.

Your kids will be devastated and like a previous poster said, it won't affect them in the slightest. His tour wasted money and your kids losing their holiday.You really need to at least ring the owner first. Or your kids will be the ones suffering.

No is a complete sentence. You tell the child's mother NO.

But if you've paid its up to you, not them! They cant invite an extra person on your holiday. Honestly, just cancel it. Hopefully you can book something for fewer people with whatever is left of your budget, just for you and your kids. If not, maybe have some lovely days out.

OP has been very ill to the extent an ambulance was called last week and she said her DC have had to act as carers.

Its very difficult to stand up to people when you are so ill, but she has tried. She's been out manovered by an underhand MIL. They are already there. All the posts (often by people who haven't read more than the first post) criticising her are not helping.

But it would be great if she could use this thread for a bit of support and not be told off for being in this situation. She already knows she needs to draw boundaries.

The situation has been created and she still wants to have a break with her kids around her. The OP can't just sack off the holiday. This is the only free week they have and she cannot just "Find another rental" starting immediately and ordering the MIL to leave, the MIL has already been underhand in the extreme and probably won't budge.

Sorting out the MIL like this can't necessarily be done in one session, when OP is so poorly. But It can be done in stages, which will make her OP's life easier in the long run and I think she is going to do that.

Save all this stress for another day.

• Forget all this talk of contacting the owners of the property. You don't know how they will react. Leave it to DH.
• Plan your days in advance so that you can make time to spend with your DC.
• Information diet for everyone. No consultation.
• Then get everything ready the night before and get up and go. You may have to say you are going out but If other's want to come you can say Leaving now. See you there.
• Do not get sucked into end of week cleaning. Let others do it. or Organise a paid clean with the Owner.
• keep all the food thing simple. Picnics, Takeaways and eating out. dont get sucked into "hosting"
• Prioritise your rest and your health above all.
• Make sure you DH understands specifically what you need and what he has to do and when

You can still spend the time away with your lovely children, walking on the beach. Swimming, watching them enjoy themselves. The weather is lovely.

You can future bombproof yourself against MIL's bossyness when you get home. When you feel better.
She is not a priority.
You are.

OP I hope you can work this so that you do manage to have some nice times with your DC. And try not to worry, everything can be sorted out eventually. Focus on your health and your spirits. I had an old ant who used to say to me when stressed that things are always better in the open countryside. And I think she was right.

I just want to second @DuckbilledSplatterPuff 's excellent post. 👏

Don't try to fight people when you are ill or out of your territory or stuck in a crucible situation. Keep this week as simple as possible and guard your energy. Focus on you and your kids having as good a time as you can - doesn't have to be perfect or the best holiday ever, just a refreshing change of scene.

When you are on safe ground and feeling well, you can put measures in place not to get taken for a ride like this again.

Even righteous anger can take it out of you, so take good care of yourself! Cheering you on here. ✊

Sorry double posted by accident

Sounds like you are ASKING IL's not to bring her.

You need to TELL them NO- she's not invited.

You're not a rubbish person. I'd be fuming too. It's enough looking after your own kids with your health problems without adding a disruptive child too. The MIL has a cheek inviting this child without clear discussions/agreement with you and DH. Who will be doing the catering/cooking for you all?

Tell mil you will not be looking after extra child for one hour of this holiday as you are not up to it. Who is cooking, tidying etc on this trip? Other child sounds like she creates mess. Personally I’d follow the van voids the booking suggestion. And you’re clearly a much nicer person than me as tell her she’s uninvited.

Im not sure why people are still posting advice, given that the same things have been suggested multiple times.

It is clear that @Heathercost is not going to follow any of it. She’ll continue to let everyone walk all over her, and her useless husband will continue to prioritise his family over her and her health, because he too has never learnt to stand up to them.

This is the worst part of mumsnet for me, knowing full well that if OP stood up for herself, it would solve he problem at hand, and would also change everything for her and how they treat her going forward.. but she just won't.

It's more frustrating because these in laws are already on holiday with the child in the camper van, they do not need to be staying with OP at all, so she can feel zero guilt about fucking them off.. but she just won't.

Why bother coming to ask if your in laws are being unfair to commandeer a holiday that YOU are paying for, when you aren't going to do anything about it anyway.

that sounds very stressful.

So you sit all the adults down and you lay down your ground rules: you are not taking any responsibility for looking after this child AT ALL. Any sign of misbehaving she gets taken home by one of the adults that you are not married to.

That you are angry they did this, it has destroyed your trust and you will never agree to a holiday with them again.

Maybe because people don’t change overnight and the OP has already said how she stood up to them more than she ever has before. It’s a process and she’s trying to take views on board. Usually people pleasers have either been trained to be like that or have followed parents who were also people pleasers.

It’s a difficult habit to break but getting support is a massive part of it. It took me years to break my own habits and I am finally getting a divorce after years of posting on here periodically about my relationship. But the point is posting here got me started on the path I now am on and that’s worth a lot.

I genuinely don’t understand the issue. If she’s your husband’s niece surely that means she’s their granddaughter & she has as much right to be there as your children do?
plus if you’re married or de facto then she is also your niece, not just some random kid?
have I missed something?
just make her grandparents pay for her food etc and take responsibility for looking after her an crack on with your holiday with your husband and kids anyway.

@SpeakeasierWell said.

Well I don't think that my nephews & nieces have as much right to come on my family holiday, that I've paid for, as my own children.

And to be honest, my husband has a nephew that I have no desire to call my nephew, and to be fair, neither of us want to visit him in prison.