AIBU to feel hurt my cousin hid booking her long hoped for trip?

[Asvan]

Hi all,

Need some advice please.

I have a cousin who I am extremely close to. Neither of us have a sister so we have always been close and generally share everything with each other. We see each other once or twice a week and our kids are also very close. Ive know her all my life and we are both in our 40s.

My cousin has had a lot going on in her life- marriage problems, financial problems etc and i have always helped her and been there for her. She relies on me more emotionally than I do on her.

A few months ago she started talking to me about a trip that shes been wanting to go on her whole life. Ive been on this trip twice before and so she asked me lots of questions and I gave her advice. She was planning to go with her mum and its the first holiday either of them have been on in 10 years. I was so happy that she was finally planning to go somewhere.

Anyway over the last month or so ive noticed that shes not been messaging me or popping over as much and whenever I try to arrange to see her she has been making excuses. Ive asked her if everything's ok and she says yes.

Last Wednesday I saw her at an event in school where we did sit together and talked to each other like normal but I still felt like she was hiding something from me. Later on in the day I saw her mum who told me that they had booked the trip a few weeks ago and they were so excited.

I felt hurt that my friend still hasn't told me about the trip and I feel like she is trying to hide it from me. I feel a bit used because she always comes to me with her problems but didnt tell me her good news. For context I generally travel more than her and she is usually always the first to know if I am going somewhere.

AiBU to be hurt about this? Should I say something or leave it. I feel like she is avoiding me so that she doesn't have to tell me her good news and that doesn't feel nice at all.

Say something!

She probably hasn’t processed it yet or paid it off. Booking is on thing. Ask her why she didn’t mention that she booked the trip. I mean her plan wasn’t a secret.

That’s a bit odd. I wonder why? Daft of you to get the hump, I think. There’s obviously something bothering her and I’d want to reassure her rather than pick a fight.

Hey! Your mum said you’d booked your trip! Fantastic! When are you going?

Also should have added that she has done the avoidance thing a.couple of times before when she hasn't wanted to tell me something. However, those things were minor compared to this.

I do really value the relationship so dont want to fall out with her. Part of me thinks I should message her to tell her I already know and part of me wants to wait and see when she tells me and then I can tell her thay I already knew about it.

You sound awfully needy

Going off other threads that could be seen as the reverse, do you have form for

1. Rocking up on other people's holidays as a surprise?
2. Being a bit of a bossy know it all about travel?

If not then I'd just say oh that's nice you've booked it. Some people just play weird mind games.

No messaging and no point-scoring. Kind conversation face to face.

Could you just carry on with your life?

This

Honestly im not needy at all. Im just upset that shes started avoiding me as soon as she has something good going on. In the last year or so shes turned up at my doorstep a fair few times in floods of tears over one thing or another and ive always looked after her. I generally dont lean on her as much emotionally.

This. I don't see the need for anything more complicated, unless I'm missing something.

In those circumstances I would probably just wait for her to tell me.
Then say “great” - and immediately change the subject…

Is it possible that, as you have done this trip twice before, she might think you will try to bombard her with advice and tips? That maybe you will "take over" in a way telling her what she must see, must go to, what you did when you were there.

Perhaps she will feel it is more special if she is not just following in your footsteps as it were.

I dont think so. Im not one to give advice unless im asked for it.

I can see why she hasn’t told you yet. She’s obviously hyping herself up. You might overvalue the relationship and smother it. Calm down.

She is doing something for herself it is not about you

Why do you need to know? Is it really that big a deal?

This. Why does she have to tell you? Isn't she allowed any privacy, or to make her own choice when she will announce her holiday.

You don't have a right to know. If you are her friend, let her tell you in her own time.

Why on earth would you be offended that your cousin hasn’t announced a holiday booking to you? Why would she need to?! It’s her holiday, not the birth of her firstborn child ffs.

I also don't understand why you need to know about this trip. If she really is avoiding you, it's all rather odd.

If it's bothering you, call and say that you haven't seen much of her lately and have a chat/arrange to meet up. You can casually say that her Mum's mentioned the trip.

Does it have to be that significant though? You waiting to catch her out or test her by how long she takes to tell you sounds a bit odd….

I’d go with a quick message - ‘oh I bumped into your mum last night and she mentioned the trip to Timbuktu you’ve been planning - sounds fantastic!’

Is she your cousin or a friend - you use both in your OP?

I can understand why you're miffed she didn't include you in a decision that's a really big thing for her.

I can also see, though, why she didn't. This really big thing to her isn't that big of a thing to you. You travel a lot more than she does, and you've even done this exact trip before. You have advised her on it ... in her shoes, I might feel you'd squash the excitement a bit by giving too much advice and/or telling her "When I did this, I ..." making it about your memories rather than her anticipation.

I realise you may feel this is the last thing you'd do. All the same, you have very different parameters when it comes to holidays and it could be difficult for you to enter into her mindset when talking about her forthcoming adventure.

You can always just tell her her mum mentioned they were going, wish them a fantastic experience, and move along to a different subject.