AIBU to feel hurt my cousin hid booking her long hoped for trip?

[Asvan]

Hi all,

Need some advice please.

I have a cousin who I am extremely close to. Neither of us have a sister so we have always been close and generally share everything with each other. We see each other once or twice a week and our kids are also very close. Ive know her all my life and we are both in our 40s.

My cousin has had a lot going on in her life- marriage problems, financial problems etc and i have always helped her and been there for her. She relies on me more emotionally than I do on her.

A few months ago she started talking to me about a trip that shes been wanting to go on her whole life. Ive been on this trip twice before and so she asked me lots of questions and I gave her advice. She was planning to go with her mum and its the first holiday either of them have been on in 10 years. I was so happy that she was finally planning to go somewhere.

Anyway over the last month or so ive noticed that shes not been messaging me or popping over as much and whenever I try to arrange to see her she has been making excuses. Ive asked her if everything's ok and she says yes.

Last Wednesday I saw her at an event in school where we did sit together and talked to each other like normal but I still felt like she was hiding something from me. Later on in the day I saw her mum who told me that they had booked the trip a few weeks ago and they were so excited.

I felt hurt that my friend still hasn't told me about the trip and I feel like she is trying to hide it from me. I feel a bit used because she always comes to me with her problems but didnt tell me her good news. For context I generally travel more than her and she is usually always the first to know if I am going somewhere.

AiBU to be hurt about this? Should I say something or leave it. I feel like she is avoiding me so that she doesn't have to tell me her good news and that doesn't feel nice at all.

this.

I don’t really know why you feel she has to tell you about it but I also don’t know why you haven’t just messaged her along the lines of you’ve just seen her mum who told you the trip was booked, you’re pleased for her etc.

Why are you now also not going to mention it like it’s some kind of weird test of your relationship? She just might not want to discuss it with you and that’s absolutely fine.

“My cousin has had a lot going on in her life- marriage problems, financial problems etc and i have always helped her and been there for her. She relies on me more emotionally than I do on her.
A few months ago she started talking to me about a trip that shes been wanting to go on her whole life. Ive been on this trip twice before and so she asked me lots of questions and I gave her advice.”

OP reading between the lines it’s possible that - whatever your good intentions - she feels a little condescended to, or at least that the dynamic between you is always you the saviour and her the one in the sh!t. It could be that now she’s in a better place and able to book this longed-for trip (that you’ve pointed out you’ve been on not once but twice already) she wants a bit of space to savour the idea of it all by herself.

I know you feel you’ve been there for her through thick and thin, but that can place us in an unwelcome, ongoing dynamic long after the period of trouble has passed - “big sister / little sister”. It was kind and supportive of you, but it can place the junior partner in that relationship in a horrible, somewhat demeaning position.

Perhaps your cousin now wants to be friends on a more even footing, and this is her way of trying to find a new balance between you? It’s definitely NOT something to fall out over.

I didn't understand what the problem was in your OP but this maybe makes more sense.
Is she always leaning on you during bad times but not sharing the good times?
I've recently been through similar and it was emotionally draining, but I did it because I care. Friend is now in a happier place, I don't hear from her as much but she is off having fun with other people. It feels a bit of a kick in the teeth and like being used as someone's therapist rather than a friend who gets to share the good and the bad.

Gosh the drama, wouldn’t it be more normal to say oh your mum said you’re off on your hols, that’s fab are you excited, can’t wait to hear all about it.

Have you helped her financially at all? She may be embarrassed about spending money on a trip if she has been given/loaned money by you.

Sorry- voted yabu. You should have put this in your op: she leans on me when in need but ignores me when everything is fine. That's really shitty- yanbu.

Bluntly, OP, if you don’t want to be just the shoulder to cry on, stop acting like the shoulder to cry on. You are contributing to this dynamic.

Does she owe you money?

This is such a weird thing to be upset about. I could understand your point a little more if it was something like pregnancy or she’s getting married, but a holiday? She’s probably just busy and doesn’t feel the need to update you on every little thing that happens in her life.

Being there for someone when they need emotional support is a choice, and it’s what you do when you love and care about someone, but it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to a running commentary on everything that she does.

Why do you care so much? This is abit pathetic tbh she doesn't have to tell you anything.

Personally I see the problem is not about the trip, its the fact that things are going good for her now and she doesn't need you like she used to. She's got all the info she needed from you about the trip, she's obviously doing better financially as she can afford this big trip and she's just not speaking to you as she doesn't need anything right now. But she'll be in touch when she's next in need.

If I was you I'd message saying your mum mentioned you booked the trip, congratulations you'll love it and leave the ball in her court.

Don't worry. She has a lot on and you being upset, she does not need.
Be kind.
Next time you see her face to face tell her you were so excited to hear from her mother of the holiday plans.

Wish her the very best.

Give her a hug.

Don't over think things with close relatives. They are allowed privacy but always love you.

It’s strange she’s stopped communicating when she’s been asking you about it before. Maybe it’s unrelated. I’d plan to see her face to face and have a good chat.

Maybe shd thought you would want to come on the trip and xhe just wanted to go with her mother. But if not I dont see why shd has to tell you everything. And absolutely don't ask her why she hasn't told you about it before.

Maybe she thought there would be an expectation of her being invited and she wanted to just go with her mum ?

Sorry x post.

There must be a reason she hasn’t told you. How weird. Does she owe you money? Maybe she feels bad about booking it if she does?

Yes, the OP is behaving as if she is owed ‘payment’ in disclosures about booking a holiday for having been a support. That’s not really how friendships work.

Is it a money thing? Not excusing poor behaviour, but if she had financial problems she shared with you, she might find it awkward that you know she can now afford this holiday. Weird, but then people are sometimes.😎

This is a really weird thing to be upset about. She's booked a holiday and hasn't told you. Even if it's a big deal holiday, it's not a big deal whether she keeps you updated about it. You sound like you think you're better for having supported her more than vice versa, but as you see each other so much and have done since childhood, I don't think it can be quantified that way and you're just close cousins with presumably unconditional love for each other. Let her enjoy herself in the run-up to the trip and don't spoil it by making it about telling you and getting the hump unnecessarily. Be a friend and be glad for her not butthurt for no good reason. This is absolutely not something to be hurt about. YABU.

You are both behaving strangely.
Her, for not sharing the good news, and you for not messaging, in a timely manner, to say your aunt shared the news. 🤷
She will know her mum has told you.
I suspect you are both over thinkers, which has led to this elephant in the room.
I'd just continue life as normal and mention it in a casual but positive, non patronising wsy, then leave any further discussion on the matter up to her.

Hmmm you sound a bit Main Character as the young ones would say, making this about you

No doubt you will deny it but thats probably whats going on here and shes put you on an information diet

When I've not mentioned something like this in the past in similar circumstances it's been because the person was over the top with advice and tips etc beforehand and I didn't want to spend weeks having to listen to more from her and feel obligated to do the things on the trip which she was suggesting and feel guilty about it if I didn't.

Or maybe she's worried you'll also book at the same time and show up on the trip. There have been a few cases on here recently where that has happened and people have suggested in the future the OP doesn't tell the person when and where they are going so that it can't happen again.

How is this not minor? She’s booked a trip that she told you she was planning? Big deal!

Stop being odd about it. Use your voice, be happy for her and move on!