AIBU to feel hurt my cousin hid booking her long hoped for trip?

[Asvan]

Hi all,

Need some advice please.

I have a cousin who I am extremely close to. Neither of us have a sister so we have always been close and generally share everything with each other. We see each other once or twice a week and our kids are also very close. Ive know her all my life and we are both in our 40s.

My cousin has had a lot going on in her life- marriage problems, financial problems etc and i have always helped her and been there for her. She relies on me more emotionally than I do on her.

A few months ago she started talking to me about a trip that shes been wanting to go on her whole life. Ive been on this trip twice before and so she asked me lots of questions and I gave her advice. She was planning to go with her mum and its the first holiday either of them have been on in 10 years. I was so happy that she was finally planning to go somewhere.

Anyway over the last month or so ive noticed that shes not been messaging me or popping over as much and whenever I try to arrange to see her she has been making excuses. Ive asked her if everything's ok and she says yes.

Last Wednesday I saw her at an event in school where we did sit together and talked to each other like normal but I still felt like she was hiding something from me. Later on in the day I saw her mum who told me that they had booked the trip a few weeks ago and they were so excited.

I felt hurt that my friend still hasn't told me about the trip and I feel like she is trying to hide it from me. I feel a bit used because she always comes to me with her problems but didnt tell me her good news. For context I generally travel more than her and she is usually always the first to know if I am going somewhere.

AiBU to be hurt about this? Should I say something or leave it. I feel like she is avoiding me so that she doesn't have to tell me her good news and that doesn't feel nice at all.

Quite!

Maybe you need to be less available on demand in future. It sounds like she uses you when she is down and CBA at other times. Not very nice but you need to start caring less if this is her idea of friendship.

But booking a holiday is not a major event.
Going away & coming back without saying anything would be.

… or she may not been avoiding you, just busy going about her life and avoiding the heat as most of us.

It would be weird to do this, OP. Perhaps you're thinking you're closer to her than she feels to you. She doesn't have to tell you everything.

So what?

She wanted to book a trip, you gave advice and she went ahead and booked it... So your issue is, "she didn't tell you she booked it?" I don't get why your feelings are hurt. She doesn't have to tell you every tiny little thing that happens in her life.

It does seem odd and I'd be a bit confused too.

I'd go with a friendly message like the above, but maybe not even with the "When are you going?" bit - literally just "I'm sure you'll have an amazing time".

Is there a chance she thinks you might try to tag along or something?!

People are weird. Try to brush it off and not be offended.

I'd be asking myself why she doesn't want to tell me about the trip

Maybe she hasn’t taken all your advice about the trip and didn’t want to tell you? You need to say something though, and the suggestion by @columnatedruinsdomino is perfect.

So your life is more settled and stable than hers, you have more money, you have been there done that twice...
Whatever the reason it is likely to be somewhere in that difference.

Maybe she is hugging her secret and excitement, maybe she wants something ;just for her' for a short while, maybe she feels that you might claim kudos for some element, maybe she has had to opt for a cheaper version than you advised on, maybe she just forgot.

If you love her, maybe take a less transactional approach? Give advice if you want, but give: it comes with no obligation. Ditto support etc. Family love and support ideally is unconditional, without strings.

Do not engage in any games, tit for tat or passive aggressive stunts as suggested on this thread. Just say 'hey - your Mum said you have booked - how exciting!' and take it from there.

She might even say 'oh yes, sorry I didn't tell you sooner'

This is not worth upsetting your relationship over, or clouding her hol for her with upset and taking things personally.

Sorry, OP. It sucks to always be the port of call for upset, help and advice when needed due to sad/difficult/upsetting situations, but then left out of the happy events. Your cousin sounds like a bit of a user tbh

Unless you are planning on tagging along I dont see why you should know when she booked it. You know she’s going to book it. Why is it relevant?

How is this Major? And how does it affect you. Have u missed something?

I think you are a little over-invested in her life and in the relationship. Why is this bothering you so much? Maybe you need to take a step back?

If I were your cousin the two most likely reasons I might avoid you after booking are:

• you might try to come along too and I don't want you to
• you might tell me I am doing it wrong somehow and should do it differently

Could either of these be the case for you two?

This relationship sounds far too enmeshed for its own good, and I feel there's an imbalance to it somewhere. You obviously feel that you've invested heavily in it and you view the non-sharing of all or any information as a lack of "return" on that investment. That's not healthy for either of you.

Yes, exactly.

Fow all those asking- yes, I do feel like she used me in her bad times to lean on and then as soon as something good happens in her life she avoids telling me.

She has had financial difficulty and ive never lent her money but whenever we go for a meal or coffee I always pay. I also always lend her clothes/handbags for events because she cant always afford to buy new. However, ive always known that shes been keeping some money aside for this trip so I dont know why shes hiding it. She knows I wouldn't judge all.

Also I was never planning to go on the trip with her. She knew that.

I k ow people think I am making a big deal of this but its left me feeling very used.

Is it Haj?
She may have booked the cheapest options and is embarrassed to discuss it with you.
Or wants to just go with her mum rather than you tagging along.

So stop being the person on whom she leans in bad times. That’s your choice, to listen to her sorrows and complaints, lend her things, pay for her coffees. Those things are your free choice. No one has you at gunpoint. If you don’t want to do them, stop. If you feel exploited, stop. What you don’t get to do is to do those things resentfully, and then expect certain behaviours from her in return, like the disclosure of certain information you feel you’re ‘owed’.

It's the fact that she's avoiding her. Wierd of her cousin to suddenly distance herself. I'd simply be asking her if everything was ok...

Does she buggery sound needy 🙄

Can you text her and say something like “ Hi! Your mum told me about your trip to X. Sounds fantastic! I’m so glad you’re getting your dream
holiday. Speak soon”
Absolutely don’t go down the road of ‘ooo you never told me’
i had similar experiences with a friend a few years ago but I won’t bore you with the story.

You can feel however you choose, but she’s not obliged to share everything with you.

She is looking forward to her own experience. and you being overly invested or talking about your own holidays will take from that.