AIBU to feel hurt my cousin hid booking her long hoped for trip?

[Asvan]

Hi all,

Need some advice please.

I have a cousin who I am extremely close to. Neither of us have a sister so we have always been close and generally share everything with each other. We see each other once or twice a week and our kids are also very close. Ive know her all my life and we are both in our 40s.

My cousin has had a lot going on in her life- marriage problems, financial problems etc and i have always helped her and been there for her. She relies on me more emotionally than I do on her.

A few months ago she started talking to me about a trip that shes been wanting to go on her whole life. Ive been on this trip twice before and so she asked me lots of questions and I gave her advice. She was planning to go with her mum and its the first holiday either of them have been on in 10 years. I was so happy that she was finally planning to go somewhere.

Anyway over the last month or so ive noticed that shes not been messaging me or popping over as much and whenever I try to arrange to see her she has been making excuses. Ive asked her if everything's ok and she says yes.

Last Wednesday I saw her at an event in school where we did sit together and talked to each other like normal but I still felt like she was hiding something from me. Later on in the day I saw her mum who told me that they had booked the trip a few weeks ago and they were so excited.

I felt hurt that my friend still hasn't told me about the trip and I feel like she is trying to hide it from me. I feel a bit used because she always comes to me with her problems but didnt tell me her good news. For context I generally travel more than her and she is usually always the first to know if I am going somewhere.

AiBU to be hurt about this? Should I say something or leave it. I feel like she is avoiding me so that she doesn't have to tell me her good news and that doesn't feel nice at all.

Are you upset shes only interested in talking to you when she has a problem because that i would understand

My gut feel is that she doesn’t want you controlling it - eg “oh you are off to Malta - wow, I must tell you the best places to go”.

she is either finding that overbearing or has had a tough time and wants to be more independent? Or perhaps she just uses you when down which isn’t very nice if so!

Do you think she feels a bit embarrassed that it’s not something special for you - you travel all the time? And just wants to savour the excitement because it’s really special for her?

This is the most straightforward way to message.

Why are you making this into something more OP?

I'd probably find it strange if someone messaged me to tell me specifically that they'd booked a holiday she probably doesn't realize you'd want to know. I wouldn't think to mention it unless it came up as part of a conversation in the moment. She's probably not avoiding you she may just be busy.

Maybe she thought you were wanting to join on the trip and she didn’t want you to.

maybe she went against some of your advice and thought you might take it badly.

she only booked it recently, why do you need to know?

Have you given her money as you said she comes to you with financial problems? So perhaps she is worried if she tells you about the trip you may mention that she hasn’t paid you back but can afford this trip?

This doesn't make sense. Why would she hide it if you are as close as you say? Is there more to it?

you can just play it like on Friends.

don’t tell her you know and eventually she’ll know you know. (her mum will probably mention it to her)

and see if she asks why you didn’t tell her you knew.

You would you fall out with a close family member because they booked a holiday and didn’t mention it? That’s bonkers

I don't get why you want to catch her out, why does it matter? She told you she wanted to book this trip, you gave her advice, she's booked the trip...surely you knew she was going to book the trip so what's she done wrong?

It also seems strange that you believe she's not been in contact as much because she's booked a trip, maybe it's something else?

This

I agree. I've had this and it seemed like they either wanted to maintain a completely hard done by image with me, or, they really had just got used to me as their support and nothing else. It was puzzling hearing about all their work promotions and travels from other people, when all I got was doom and gloom.

I'd raise it casually as suggested above ("great news!") and see if she snaps out of it.

But why would she want to hide it from you? I don’t get it 🤷‍♀️

I think she was either worried after your advice that you were hinting that you wanted to go with her and so she's holding off mentioning it, or she hasn't taken some advice you'd given her about the trip and is worried you'll be offended

I cant understand why you’re so certain its the trip that means you’re speaking less?!? Why not try asking her if all’s ok?

Im puzzled by some of the responses. She is playing some weird game with her strange behaviour.

Why the avoidance and lack of communication? She wants a close relationship with you when she has problems or having a tough time but not when she has good news. I don't think she is as close to you as you think. She likes what she perceives as some kind of power hold over you.
Tell her you know about the trip and ask her why she hasn't told you. It's clear from your responses you are very happy for her. Tell her that and move on, no long conversation.

Just mention that you have heard it is all booked and you are excited for her. Then she has no need to hide it anymore .

Are you upset because you feel as though she uses you when she’s unhappy and drops you as soon as things pick up again? So it’s not necessarily about the trip booking itself, but the fact that now she has something good going on, she’s no longer interested in her friendship with you.

I agree. I can’t envision a scenario where I talk extensively with someone about a trip I’m planning and then, when I actually book it, stop communicating with them completely.

Although I certainly don’t feel as though I owe anyone information on the things I’m doing, it’s the complete change of behaviour that doesn’t make sense to me.

We were absolutely broke after covid but took out a small loan to take the kids to disneyland Paris. I know in paper it was a terrible financial decision but actually, for my own deteriorating mental health I needed to be able to do something for my children. I had zero regrets about it and it was the best thing I did, but did feel embarrassed suddenly telling my (always very supportive BTW) mam about it because I'd been upset on her shoulder numerous times about financial problems in the build up to it! Could it be something similar to that maybe?

Ok in case anyone gets upset I am going on holiday...why is this even a thing. Do you tell each other when you book everything hairdressers, smear test, table for dinner?

Christ this is so childish

The fact you’ve even jumped to a weird idea you might fall out with her over the fact she’s booked this trip is really odd.

Are you usually so melodramatic? She’s under no obligation to tell you everything, you sound quite overbearing in your expectations, she’s likely just been busy recently, it’s really not a big deal and a more usual response would be next time you see her to just say ‘oh your mum said you booked the trip, how exciting’

But, without any underlying reason of trying to ‘catch her out’, it’s just a normal thing to have a conversation about!

I can see why it feels a bit odd not to have mentioned it.
People react and feel in different ways and you say she’s avoided you about things before. So there’s a pattern and what she does. There could be lots of different reasons; she struggles when something goes well, fear it won’t work out, liking some control, you may have said something and she’s reacting to it. You’ve accepted it before so that’s all you need to do in this case. Just accept that this is what she does for whatever reason.
I like what a previous poster said. Just let her know you know in a lovely way and wish her a nice holiday.

Do you think she is worried you were expecting to go to? If you have offered lots of advice maybe she felt you wanted to join them on the trip.