AIBU to worry DH is out of touch for future parenting?

[DealForTheKids]

This isn’t urgent or an invite for a pile on but more of a musing.

DH just turned 40 and is not very aware of what’s going on with trends. He has a great group of mates but it’s - in no particular order - football, politics, wrestling, cricket, families.

We were the first to have kids in his friendship group so there’s still a lot of chat about weaning and nap schedules, they’re a good bunch of guys. Our kids are 6 and 5- a boy and a girl.

I have had a lot of chats with him about things like the social media ban, incel culture, phone use in teens etc. He goes ‘why would that be relevant to me’ and I do to a point respect that - it’s just not part of his world and that’s fine - great even. He’s never heard of Bonnie Blue for example 😂

But I do worry about how it will influence our parenting as the kids get older. Obviously my 6yo doesn’t know who Bonnie Blue is either, but I do worry that if he doesn’t know about trends and things to be aware of - like exploitation, county lines, trends in music and society - it’s going to impact on our parenting. I want to teach our children how to navigate the world they live in, how can I do that if he’s not aware of that world? I’m not saying he needs to start listening to Radio 1 but surely we need to at least keep a foot in the world our kids live in?

Like I say this isn’t a ‘big deal’ but as the parent of a boy and a girl I think it’s important I keep an eye on the influences in their lives. AIBU?

You grow up with your child. Don't wish your life away.

I don't understand your comment regarding parent of a boy and a girl it's important to keep an eye...

With which sex would it be of less importance?

Why so you think you need to parent by a prescribed text, it is not a competition

I think you’re worrying about nothing.

Oh I agree. I’m not sitting up worrying about my 6yo doing drugs.

It’s more that I think if you’re a parent you need to keep an eye on popular culture so you can talk to your kids on their level. I can’t see DH in 10y being more aware of wider society so we’ll be navigating the teen years with no framework for eg Andrew Tate or whoever his successor will be.

Neither. I’m saying that they will face different challenges and being aware of them will help. Surely we all seek to understand the society our kids live in? And know it’s not the same as growing up in the 90s?

At no point have I said it’s a competition, I'm talking about whether as a parent we need to try and understand the world our kids live in even if it’s not relevant to us.

It's no good now worrying what will be on trend when your 6 yr old is a teen. It will be something that you've not heard of yet. Just deal with what's going on in their lives now

I think as long as he has some idea of the society your 6 and 5 year olds live in now there’s no issue.

I don’t think so. My kids are 15 and 10. DH barely knows who Taylor Swift is. And has never had social media. He’s an excellent father and is able to discuss misogyny and patriarchy with our sons without being plugged into popular culture. Values are universal. Always important to answer questions honestly. And with my sons I often say this is how I see the world, other people may disagree but here’s my reasoning.
Bring them up to be critical thinkers and kind people. You don’t need to follow trends for that.

But it is irrelevant because by the time your children are at an age likely to be influenced by social media trends etc the threats will be different and the trends will be different…

Im not sure why he would need to know what threatens current teenagers when he has two young kids not exposed to those issues!

Focus on getting to know dangerous trends when your kids are of an age where they’re likely to come across them, for now just unclench and parent your young primary aged children!

I have a 6 year old and I spend a lot of time thinking about sport, politics and my family. I don’t see that as a bad thing.

No I get that. I just mean being out of touch can’t be helpful - I’m trying to stay up to date so I I understand their world when it comes. I can’t wake up in 2035 and go ‘ok, what’s the craic’

I think this is sensible advice. I also think they don’t need two parents who are worriers, I’m more like you, DH is more like yours but we balance each other out well. He respects my worries, I respect him talking me down.

Neither do I! And we don’t talk about revenge porn or anything over the dinner table 😂 I’m just saying I think as a parent you need to keep an ear on what’s happening in youth culture even if it’s not relevant right now.

Also don’t forget to bring kids into YOUR world.
My parents in Asia in the 1980s and 1990s introduced me to the Beatles and to rock music and to classical music. And to the protest music of the 60s.
I watched their favourite movies with them when I was old enough.
My parents also didn’t have a clue as to what was happening on MTV or whatever. Didn’t stop them from being excellent hands on parents!

@PotolKimchi

Bring them up to be critical thinkers and kind people. You don’t need to follow trends for that.

Thats a fantastic point, thank you. I think it’s more that I think you need to understand the framework of current society to help you navigate that, DH disagrees. Not in a dramatic way just that I think raising kids in the era of the internet requires some understanding of that world.

That describes our dynamic very well 😂 even pre kids. I just feel I need to understand the context of the world my kids are going to live in. DH is more ‘universal values’

I'd never held a baby when No 1 daughter was born, never given a thought to all those things which now seem essential reading, never read a thing and she was 49 a few weeks back so I must have done something right! To be honest, apart from the wrestling his interests sound far better than being obsessed with the minutae of child-rearing! Remember just because 'they' say it's how to do things doesn't mean they're right.

I totally get what you're saying. They grow up very quickly and it's quite surprising the influences they have when they're still very young. It's not a crime to think ahead!

My DH is often less aware of these issues, he doesn't have social media and was a relatively well behaved teenager. However I was not a particularly well behaved teenager and I'm a bit more aware of what's going on for teenagers nowadays because of my job and being on social media. Though I'm sure I don't know everything! What I'm saying is as long as one of you is clued up, you'll be ok.

We have a 10 & 5 year old. My husband doesn’t use social media at all - hates it. Doesn’t listen to modern music, which is has meant my 10 year old loves 90’s indie bands.

our kids educate us on the new trends nee-doh’s and whatever. They watch YouTube shite and know who’s popular! They love angry ginge and KSi even though me and their dad couldn’t be less interested

I mean I’ve taught them who the greatest rock bands in the world are - I’m trying 😂

That’s reassuring, thanks! My youngest is already clamouring for watching K-Pop Demon Hunters thanks to older friends - DH will happily stick it on and I’m like ‘…shall we just check it’s appropriate?’

I honestly don't think it's important. If my parents told me about trends, i'd think it's cringe! Teach them about your world, let them handle theirs.

Firstly I'd say don't borrow trouble. The world moves incredibly fast and the challenges of parenting teenagers in 10 years will be different to the challenges now, so I wouldn't be concerned that he's not aware of them.

Secondly, to be honest I think having parents who have solid interests, good friends, are part of their community and grounded in the real world rather than worrying about what's going on online is pretty good for kids. I'm 40, DH is a couple of years older, our kids are 8 and 4. He gives zero fucks about Andrew Tate and Bonnie Blue and county lines because he's too busy going to work, hanging out with our kids, taking them swimming, to the park, to football, on bike rides, seeing his brothers and friends and parents etc etc. I'm sure he'll wise up as and when necessary but on the whole, I feel the Andrew Tates of this world will have way less influence on my kids (my son in particular) because they've got a dad who is too busy being a success and loving his family and living his own life to give a shit about an angry dude with serious small dick energy on the internet.