AIBU to worry DH is out of touch for future parenting?

[DealForTheKids]

This isn’t urgent or an invite for a pile on but more of a musing.

DH just turned 40 and is not very aware of what’s going on with trends. He has a great group of mates but it’s - in no particular order - football, politics, wrestling, cricket, families.

We were the first to have kids in his friendship group so there’s still a lot of chat about weaning and nap schedules, they’re a good bunch of guys. Our kids are 6 and 5- a boy and a girl.

I have had a lot of chats with him about things like the social media ban, incel culture, phone use in teens etc. He goes ‘why would that be relevant to me’ and I do to a point respect that - it’s just not part of his world and that’s fine - great even. He’s never heard of Bonnie Blue for example 😂

But I do worry about how it will influence our parenting as the kids get older. Obviously my 6yo doesn’t know who Bonnie Blue is either, but I do worry that if he doesn’t know about trends and things to be aware of - like exploitation, county lines, trends in music and society - it’s going to impact on our parenting. I want to teach our children how to navigate the world they live in, how can I do that if he’s not aware of that world? I’m not saying he needs to start listening to Radio 1 but surely we need to at least keep a foot in the world our kids live in?

Like I say this isn’t a ‘big deal’ but as the parent of a boy and a girl I think it’s important I keep an eye on the influences in their lives. AIBU?

This. But also they will (assuming you're built a good relationship) tell you about their world.
I know a lot about many things simply by talking to my teens!

Agree with this. I think you’re being very… rigid about this. What’s your husband like as a father? Is he involved? Does he listen to the kids when they talk about their interests? Does he do stuff with them, teach them things? Can they go to him with worries? Because honestly, as the mum of a young adult, a teenager and a toddler, in my experience, the better you know your children, what they’re interested in, who their friends are etc, the better chance you have of protecting them and keeping them safe. It’s not always easy to get the balance right and god knows, I’ve fucked things up myself, but I feel confident that I have done my best to listen to my kids and also to arm them with information about things as and when they’ve needed it.

Ah. See I got up to all sorts online back in the day and that was because my parents didn’t have a clue about the internet. Maybe this is me projecting 😂

Your children will grow up with your values though. It sounds like he’s got decent friends and a few hobbies so your children will see that as normal. You model a healthy life. A stable home life, communication, hobbies.
I used to use a site called parent wise for films which gave a summary and suggested age suitable for.

This is such a lovely post, your dad sounds fab (mine would have said the same about The Seekers!)

Thanks! I’ve started using Common Sense media (bit American but useful). It’s deffo not a big issue. DH is just very cool about being out of the loop on pop culture/societal stuff, and while I think that’s great for him (I’m jealous in many ways) my concern is it’s not great when you’re raising kids.

Absolute nonsense

Thanks! I don’t think I’m rigid generally in parenting, I’m just trying to plan for the future and not get blindsided by ‘what do you mean there’s this new drug on the block’ years from now…

Could you elaborate?

Actually I think that’s the one I meant. It says parents say suitable for age 10 plus, kids say age 9 plus and flags language or themes etc.

Ah, quite possibly. Yeah it’s useful although generally it’s hotter on profanity (eg ‘shut up’ gets a big down vote which I don’t mind in a film) and less on ‘this is going to give your 5yo nightmares’.

DH is fab - as I hope I’ve made clear on this thread - but would happily put the kids in front of KPDH without research which is a different approach to me. It’s a different world parenting primary schoolers v babies…

This is the first time I’ve ever heard that knowing who Bonnie Blue is makes you a better dad

I mean to be fair, I worry too much about my knees to ever get on a skateboard again, so I’m sparing the DC that at least

I know. Madness

😂 DH will be very proud

You need to be thinking about social media, Andrew Tate (or equivalent) etc well before they are teens. Y5 and Y6 children can be influenced and seeing things they shouldn’t

Why do you think both parents need to have the same approach? And why do you want people to tell you your approach is the better one?

You are looking for problems. How dull to be expected to engage in conversations about miserable and anxiety inducing social issues which may never be relevant and spoil the present.

If your kids were teens i would get your perspective and agree (my dad was very old fashioned and very much not on a level with me- it did impact our relationship when i was older) but they are still so young! Deal with it when they are at least pre-teens if the need arises .

My husband works in the entertainment industry and I’ve just asked him if he knows who Bonnie blue is, absolutely no clue at all. He is a wonderful and engaged father though.

I’m very aware of current pop culture and trends but in no way do I relate that to my future ability to parent, especially as I’m sure that in 5 years the world will be very different and we’ll adapt our approach as required with our foundations of loving supportive parents who care about our children.

Interesting - I don’t think at any point I’ve said ‘DH is wrong, I am right’ - just interested in views?

I honestly don’t sit up worrying about adult issues for my little kids. My take is that I need to stay ‘in touch’, DH’s view is that we don’t need to know their world to keep them safe. Both valid, just interested in how others approach it.

I've got a 19 year old, soon to be 20. If there's one piece of advice I'd give, it's keep talking to them and make sure they know they can talk to you. There have been a lot of times in my DD's teenage years where she's come to me with problems that I would never ever in a million years have taken to my own parents and I think it's been hugely helpful to her to know I would never be judgmental but just try to help her. I don't think you need to worry too much about the details - if your kids are talking to you and telling you about their lives you'll work it out.

I do get that - but I don’t think you can just launch in, you have to stay in touch? Like switching on Eastenders after 10y and trying to work out who tf all the new characters are 😆

I have much older children than you but I think I may have had a similar criticism. My DH is not well up on the latest expression of misogyny. He’s pretty oblivious too be honest. Sometimes I’ve felt a bit irritated by this. Other times I’ve thought I’d find that quite annoying if he was

However when the shit has hit the fan with difficult things that have affected our kids (15 & 19) I feel he’s handled it well. Don’t underestimate your partner because he’s not the same as you

but I do worry that if he doesn’t know about trends and things to be aware of - like exploitation, county lines, trends in music and society - it’s going to impact on our parenting. I want to teach our children how to navigate the world they live in, how can I do that if he’s not aware of that world?

From your OP - why do you think both of you need to be aware of the world for you to teach them how to navigate it? Why isn't it sufficient for you to be aware of it?