AIBU to worry DH is out of touch for future parenting?

[DealForTheKids]

This isn’t urgent or an invite for a pile on but more of a musing.

DH just turned 40 and is not very aware of what’s going on with trends. He has a great group of mates but it’s - in no particular order - football, politics, wrestling, cricket, families.

We were the first to have kids in his friendship group so there’s still a lot of chat about weaning and nap schedules, they’re a good bunch of guys. Our kids are 6 and 5- a boy and a girl.

I have had a lot of chats with him about things like the social media ban, incel culture, phone use in teens etc. He goes ‘why would that be relevant to me’ and I do to a point respect that - it’s just not part of his world and that’s fine - great even. He’s never heard of Bonnie Blue for example 😂

But I do worry about how it will influence our parenting as the kids get older. Obviously my 6yo doesn’t know who Bonnie Blue is either, but I do worry that if he doesn’t know about trends and things to be aware of - like exploitation, county lines, trends in music and society - it’s going to impact on our parenting. I want to teach our children how to navigate the world they live in, how can I do that if he’s not aware of that world? I’m not saying he needs to start listening to Radio 1 but surely we need to at least keep a foot in the world our kids live in?

Like I say this isn’t a ‘big deal’ but as the parent of a boy and a girl I think it’s important I keep an eye on the influences in their lives. AIBU?

The truth is you simply can’t understand it because you aren’t a teen. You won’t use social media in the way they do and your examples are already outdated because it moves so quickly one minute you can’t say the word massive without hearing low taper fade the next it is something you should never say.

what you can do is instil in them values and critical thinking, give them the confidence and toolset they need to navigate it and fair and reasonable boundaries and expectations

Oh lord I don’t want to teach them! It’s more that I want to know their world - when the time comes.

I love the concept of building a value structure and them living alongside that. We have such a ‘wholesome’ (ugh, gross, sorry) life - I just know I won’t always be their biggest influence and I feel like I have a responsibility to stay ‘in touch’ with popular culture and influences.

I think you're being very wise to anticipate the potential challenges that your children may face, given the state of the world and current trends. Good to keep one step ahead! The question seems to be: how to keep your DH on board with this. All I think you can do is to keep highlighting current news items and issues which may impact this generation. Hopefully, he'll start to note the relevance. If not, at least you're aware, and it may be actually beneficial to also have amore naive parent to balance out.

But part of being a parent to a teenager is to some extent letting go and understanding that you can’t know their world not in the way that they navigate it

The stuff your DH is into is just as much ‘the wider world’ as the likes of Bonnie Blue. And there isn’t actually a homogeneous youth culture. I know teens who are into religion, blacksmithing, rock climbing, snooker, as well as others who do the more usual stuff. There are many different ways to be young and they don’t all involve drugs or hours on social media.

I agree that kids have to be equipped to navigate the wider world but what that will specifically mean for them is uncertain, which is why raising them with universal values and a good character is most important.

I’m with your DH on this. Work it out as they grow up. Things change quickly.

I don’t know who Bonnie Blue is! Im
guessing porn star but I could be way out.

You’re expressing this fantastically well. I’m completely plugged in to it all. DH doesn’t have a bloody clue. The teens roll their eyes about him being so out of touch and find it a little frustrating that his cultural framework is so limited. But on the other hand they appreciate that he knows plenty about other things and is a loving parent in other ways. But when the political talk starts at the table and we get into Bin Face or whatever the day’s news holds, DH flees for safety,

@DealForTheKids everything will have changed again by the time your kids need keeping an eye on.

You assume your way is better than his that to me makes me think you coming across like you have swallowed a parenting book treats it like a competition

I’m not disagreeing with that. I just think I can’t possibly wake up in 10y and be like ‘ok, what’s up with yoof culture’ 😂

.....

Oh honestly, trust me. DH and I are two sides of the same coin and I know the kids are much better for that, and the nice thing is we can disagree and it’s great for them we don’t take the same view! Just curious as to the AIBU hammer of judgment on - is he too relaxed/am I too OTT. Tale as old as time!

My image is under review! No idea why 😂

I think this is such a good point. Youth culture is such because it belongs to the young. We don’t need to understand it in the way that our parents didn’t need to understand our culture when we were teens. As soon as parents understand it, it stops being cool.

Oh god I’m so pleased you said that - I was worried I was going to have to defend the term ‘yoof culture’ and feel about 95 years old when I did that

Well yeah that’s it. I don’t want to be the ‘cool mum’ (mean girls reference for those in my demographic). I just want to know what’s going on so that I can help with the scaffolding. I’m not saying I’m going to sit down with my DS and go ‘Andrew Tate is a bad man because..’… I just don’t want to be the parent who goes ‘how didn’t I support them’ because my head is still in 2007.

OP, were your first parents up on 'trends' when you were growing up? Mine certainly weren't. I think not having a working knowledge of the darkest corners of the internet is probably ideal in very many ways.

All teenagers think their parents know nothing about their generation's world and they are largely right. I think you protect your kids by bringing them up to think critically, value fairness and find many things in life they enjoy. Confident, well adjusted and happy kids seem significantly less vulnerable to the many things you are worried about.

That’s not how it works. It works by talking to them, being engaged and interested in their worlds and talking to them. That’s how you keep “up to date”. Is he an involved , active, interested father? If yes, he’s already there. If not, no amount of siiix seeeven reading will fix that.

We regularly see posts from parents on here going ‘how didn’t I spot the signs of them being pulled into this subculture’. I’m not saying I can stop it but eg knowing skunk is way more potent than in my youth is a good thing to be aware of

God I’m so pleased mine didn’t get six seveennnnn 😂

I do get what you’re saying. And he’s an involved dad for sure, but I feel being aware of what’s on the horizon is helpful. I don’t think he’s going to suddenly become Mr Pop Culture the second they turn 13. Unless they get into his football club in which case he’ll be golden 😄

There's a difference between not being aware (which tbh, I don't really understand either) and being wilfully ignorant - the latter, with a refusal to be inquisitive about the world which affects/or may affect your children, is often accompanied by checking out of parenting too. So keep an eye on that one. (And I bet he has heard of Bonnie Blue really).

Op, I totally see what you are saying but there is nothing new under the sun. I am in my 40s now but my dad was always completely out of touch. If you asked him about pop music he would say Michael Jackson. I remember as a teenager asking him if he liked modern music (because he only ever listen to classical) and he told me that he had once had an LP of The Seekers when he was young. My mum told me that she managed to persuade him to go dancing in the 80s and he didn't know what to do. Mum told him to pretend he was boxing in time to the music 😄. My dad never ever had a clue about anything that was ever going on in the culture and seemed to find everything really confusing.

Anyway, despite all of this, my dad had (has) a very astute understanding of human nature. Ever single problem I have ever had, he was able to relate to it and is actually a very wise person. He never knew anything about anything related to the culture but I was brought up with all of skills needed to navigate the generational issues which I faced. Peer pressure, loyalty, discernment, 'if its too good to be true...' etc etc. I made it through the noughties in one piece, and my dad was never once plugged into the zeitgeist.

So do not worry. Let your husband be the kind of person and parent that he is. He can plug into what is relevant when the time is right and just trust that he will connect with what he needs to. Just because he isnt plugged in doesn't mean he will be naive or negligent. Think about who he is and what he does bring to the table. It could well be enough.

Your DC have two parents. You sound like staying up with current trends is important to you, why do you need your DH to do so as well? I'm sure he brings his own skills to parenting which will evolve as the DC grow up. Children don't need parents who are carbon copies of each other.

It's there now, clearly Mumsnet decided Steve Buscemi is acceptable after all