AIBU to worry DH is out of touch for future parenting?

[DealForTheKids]

This isn’t urgent or an invite for a pile on but more of a musing.

DH just turned 40 and is not very aware of what’s going on with trends. He has a great group of mates but it’s - in no particular order - football, politics, wrestling, cricket, families.

We were the first to have kids in his friendship group so there’s still a lot of chat about weaning and nap schedules, they’re a good bunch of guys. Our kids are 6 and 5- a boy and a girl.

I have had a lot of chats with him about things like the social media ban, incel culture, phone use in teens etc. He goes ‘why would that be relevant to me’ and I do to a point respect that - it’s just not part of his world and that’s fine - great even. He’s never heard of Bonnie Blue for example 😂

But I do worry about how it will influence our parenting as the kids get older. Obviously my 6yo doesn’t know who Bonnie Blue is either, but I do worry that if he doesn’t know about trends and things to be aware of - like exploitation, county lines, trends in music and society - it’s going to impact on our parenting. I want to teach our children how to navigate the world they live in, how can I do that if he’s not aware of that world? I’m not saying he needs to start listening to Radio 1 but surely we need to at least keep a foot in the world our kids live in?

Like I say this isn’t a ‘big deal’ but as the parent of a boy and a girl I think it’s important I keep an eye on the influences in their lives. AIBU?

@CypressGrove with respect to misogyny it would be great if the dad is aware of the influence on young people. Much better for the disgust of these influencers etc to come from a man

hate to tell you this but you won't understand their world when they are teens

If your husband is a good person, with the ability to support, show interest in and nurture a child and be a stable and stabilising presence, that is what matters.

I am entirely square but I’m a lot more sensible, knowledgeable and well-read than many people which helps a great deal when bringing up children. You learn what’s important to your children (while holding your head in your hands at the absolute tripe on TikTok…)

Your children might be interested in politics, not Bonnie Blue, there is no oddsing how kids turn out.

The thing is, teens can easily tell the difference between a parent who is tapping in to popular culture purely in order to be a better parent, and a parent who just likes pop culture. They can sniff out inauthenticity a mile off. If you're reading Reddit or Tumblr or (God forbid) 4chan or something just to see what you're up against, they will twig and they'll think it's cringe. Or whatever the 2034 slang is.

Just be your authentic self, let your DH be his, and be curious and engaged with whatever they bring you. They will hide stuff - that's the way of it - and it won't always help you or them if you find out about it.

You've no need to worry. Your already there. You recognise there will be dangers and pitfalls.
You'll workout what they are at the time.
You're already doing your job.

So what is happening in “youth culture”
now then?

I think they are two different things : knowing about current trends and checking if something is appropriate.
Your DH might not be an expert on many things but he has a job as a parent to check the environment his kids live in. His methods don’t matter - he can check films by watching them himself or by googling about their content. Any approach will do. Doing nothing is not an option.

You're overthinking it.
You might not even actually know the trends your DC will come across yourself. I watched the manosphere, I'd heard of Andrew Tate but not the others on there. I spoke to my older teens about it, they had no clue who they were either.
As long as your age appropriate in restricting and monitoring Internet use and teach them to think critically about what they see and instill the right values in them it will be fine. That's all that is needed, you don't need to know what's trending.

Can i ask - is he in general a flexible, proactive in research, willing to learn and happy to be proven wrong about things person? Because if he is, then he is probably right and will tackle it when it comes, but a lot of people are not, and seem to operate on a 'i will parent how I see fit to react in the moment, i dont need to think about how my individual child needs parenting or have a proper think/plan about how to tackle certain problems,' 'i dont need to know more about this, ive made assumptions and they must be correct' basis. Is this what your DH is like?

OP I totally understand where you are coming from. This isn't about being Down With The Kids, this is about understanding enough of the world they are born into to be aware of the unique challenges and dangers they face which we did not.

If it makes you feel better, DH is highly intelligent but would know literally nothing about (for example) red pill and incel culture, gender issues, county lines, porn culture, etc etc etc, the list goes on. He still thinks porn use is having a copy of Razzle magazine, god bless him.

Personally I do think it is important that one parent is more switched on when it gets to the teenage years, and that the blissfully ignorant parent is willing to listen to the eyes wide open parent. That said, I think it is great to have parents who are different and bring different perspectives, and having and demonstrating good core principles and morals is the most important thing.

And people pick things up! One of my son's best friends immigrated relatively recently, and his parents often ask me about things they've not come across (and share ideas and traditions from their culture). They're brilliant parents but they wouldn't have known some of these terms.

Maybe going a bit against the grain of general sentiment here but I agree with you @DealForTheKids that it’s important to be (at least a little) clued in to current trends.

DC will always hear about edgy trends through school/friends/clubs/etc and may well bring it up with you later, especially if it’s something they feel a bit weird or uncertain or embarrassed about.
To use an example from earlier re Bonnie Blue, I think you do want to know what’s going on because then you can be better prepared and have proactive and age appropriate conversations with DC about eg consent and social media etc etc (of course you can have these anyway, but having current examples makes it stick way more than just abstract ideas), instead of them just learning about it from kids at school and maybe having a bit of skewed idea about what’s going on and thinking it’s ok or normal. if they bring it up in conversation and you have no clue you might not realise the full implications! You Might just assume that Bonnie B was just another influencer.

I just like to be a bit on the front foot with these things, maybe just personal preference.

This 100%. My DH does not do social media but I think that probably makes him a better father.

'Trends' isn't even a concept or phrase that's used to talk about this area of parenting

Completely agree with this. I think you need the balance otherwise it's overkill! We've just raised teenagers and I can't see any of these topics are things my DH is particularly clued up on. However, it's not been an issue. Me and the kids talk about some of that stuff, he has a slightly different relationship with them. I also don't think many of the issues come up as directly as you think. It's more organic than that and not always stuff you can be prepared for. Have an open and honest relationship with them and give them an opportunity to talk and for them to teach you as well as vice versa and you'll be fine. You'll never stay ahead on teen topics and influences in my experience!

I think you are focussed on the specifics and they will be obsolete by the time your kids are teens. I think you need to be an expert on your kids, not on youth culture and be prepared not to 'get it' in their eyes. They will be really keen for you to 'know their world' now but might become less keen when they are actually teenagers, which is normal.

Every generation of teenagers thinks their world is unique and they are right to a certain extent but if you provide a non-judgmental listening ear you may find they actually have all the answers they need. I think you and DH between you will be the dream team. Two parents with the same viewpoint, knowledge base and experience might be less useful than variety and it sounds like you have that covered.

I don’t think you need to keep an eye on music trends when they’re six. You need to be aware of internet safety / appropriate tv etc. Everything will have changed in 5 years music / culture etc wise.

And did you turn out alright? You very much sound like you did. They won't tell you everything either as teenagers, some more than others, but that's all part of the ride. The whole point of youth culture is that we don't get it. I think most teens would rather wear a coat and do homework than discuss Bonnie Blue with their mother and it might be more of a worry if they did. Imagine how old she'll be when your kids are teens!

I think you're absolutely right

In lockdown my cousin's teen daughter started identifying as non-binary. Cousin and husband had no idea this was a trend at the time, no idea about tumblr/Instagram. They received this as their daughter being uniquely insightful and thoughtful about gender and they acted accordingly.

Cousin's daughter now on testosterone, had "top surgery", fully committed to a trend that is now falling away and I believe had they been more informed they may have handled this situation better having fully understood the landscape.

DS is just a baby but the whole thing has taught me to at least attempt to stay aware of influences.

I assume you didn’t know who mr tumble or Upsy Daisy were until you had toddlers? But then you learned because they live with you and so you find out. It is the same all the way through - you don’t have to research what is popular in advance, the culture will come to you via your kids.
I do agree that it is responsible to be aware of wider issues in society, but all adults should ideally be vaguely aware of these from hearing the news etc?

Reading your title I thought you were going to say he has outdated views like boys shouldn’t cry and believe in hitting kids. Not knowing about Bonnie Blue or social media isn’t an issue!
For all of us, our parents grew with our internet use, if we are still lucky to have grandparents around, they will be even less likely to be up to date with it. It’s not a bad thing IMO. Many people don’t use social media or follow celebrities news etc so it’s really not unusual. Nothing to worry about!

you grow with your kids, there is very little point worrying about this. I have teens and have had to learn as they have grown up as fads change so fast. My DH is not really up to speed with things either so we talk a lot about relevant things that I think he needs to be more aware of. It’s a partnership and you support each other.

Like switching on Eastenders after 10y and trying to work out who tf all the new characters are 😆

To be completely honest, this is quite a decent description of parenting teens anyway. Your own children change so much you keep having to get to know them again. And their friends you have known since Bounce and Rhyme morph too. Sometimes weekly.

I am not and have never been cool. DH neither. We are both fairly clueless about very modern references and films and music. Our teens speak in such a way that they have to translate for us sometimes.

We are good parents though. We have good relationships with our dc and their friends. We talk a lot. We listen. We follow their interests and we welcome their people.

My 2 teens are completely different. They are into different stuff, move in different circles and enjoy different things. I don't know how I could have predicted their specific spheres and genned up on them before they got there really.

Just keep moving with their wants and needs, and keep the lines of communication open. My greatest parenting tip is to be there. Be available. Be present. Be around. The rest all comes from that.

I have 3 teens, oldest DD, into heavy metal music, goes to download festival every year, wears black and has facial piercings. Studying climate science at uni.
DD2, loves literature, still in scouts, never happier than in a book shop. Just about to start uni to study sociology and politics.
DS is into sports, does football and boxing, loves rap music and has a motor vehicle apprenticeship.

All very different, all very happy and this is because I’ve let them be themselves and supported them to be who they want to be. We have great relationships abd they talk to me about everything.

i can also tell you the thing they find most embarrassing or ‘cringe’, is when I try to be ‘Doen with the kids’.

The basics stay the same.

Stressed, anxious teenage girls social contagion of the day? When I was young it was anorexia, then bulimia, then the youngsters after me were cutting, then ROGD, now it's self diagnosed POTS and making tiktoks about the stickers on your cane I think. Same shit different decades.

Violent gangs? A Clockwork Orange was written in 1962, inspired by gang subcultures as far back as the 20s.

Drugs- E was the parent frightener in the 90s, goodness knows what is getting invented in labs now.

"Sex positivity" taken to extremes? Bonnie Blue is shagging half the country these days. Lolo Ferrari inflated her tits to supposedly record sizes in the 90s and died unhappily at the turn of the century; Sticky Vicky OTOH had a long career and made it to the venerable age of 80.

Suicide has existed forever - Hamlet dithered pretty famously over it. He also had a bit of toxic masculinity going on, what with the "Get thee to a nunnery" thing. Same shit different century, millenium, whatever, and ever.

Human nature does not change. There is nothing new under the sun, as Ecclesiastes would say some time before 200 BCE. I nearly wrote B.C. but I suppose you can teach old dogs new more appropriate language, just as my parents grew up pronouncing Kenya "Keen-ya" but moved with the times.

Porn. A lot of kids have seen extreme porn before they leave primary school now. Even if they don't want to, another kid sticks the phone under their nose or sends a link.

Online bullying, sexual harassment etc.

Incel / PUA culture.

Eight year old girls being convinced they need an expensive skincare routine.

Teen girls being convinced they need to look like adult porn stars.

County lines.

Sextortion. (See the thread yesterday from the mother of a 14yo boy?).

Drugs, alcohol, underage sex etc.

Living all of life online, doing anything for likes etc.

Phone / gaming addiction.

And, yeah, the fashion and the music and whatever that they like, which you probably shouldn't even concern yourself with and they don't even want you to (Steve Buscemi ahoy...). That's the harmless stuff that they used to define themselves as different from their parents and twas ever thus. But you can't advise them on the stuff that is dangerous if you don't have a clue what it is.

OP, get your DH reading a daily newspaper. That's how I know who Bonnie Blue is (I never look at whatever fetid sections of the internet she features in) - there was a piece in the Times. It's the best way to learn at least a little bit about all of these things - enough to know what you should be looking out for.