AIBU to worry DH is out of touch for future parenting?

[DealForTheKids]

This isn’t urgent or an invite for a pile on but more of a musing.

DH just turned 40 and is not very aware of what’s going on with trends. He has a great group of mates but it’s - in no particular order - football, politics, wrestling, cricket, families.

We were the first to have kids in his friendship group so there’s still a lot of chat about weaning and nap schedules, they’re a good bunch of guys. Our kids are 6 and 5- a boy and a girl.

I have had a lot of chats with him about things like the social media ban, incel culture, phone use in teens etc. He goes ‘why would that be relevant to me’ and I do to a point respect that - it’s just not part of his world and that’s fine - great even. He’s never heard of Bonnie Blue for example 😂

But I do worry about how it will influence our parenting as the kids get older. Obviously my 6yo doesn’t know who Bonnie Blue is either, but I do worry that if he doesn’t know about trends and things to be aware of - like exploitation, county lines, trends in music and society - it’s going to impact on our parenting. I want to teach our children how to navigate the world they live in, how can I do that if he’s not aware of that world? I’m not saying he needs to start listening to Radio 1 but surely we need to at least keep a foot in the world our kids live in?

Like I say this isn’t a ‘big deal’ but as the parent of a boy and a girl I think it’s important I keep an eye on the influences in their lives. AIBU?

I understand what you’re saying. My DH is in his 50’s and we have 12 year old boy. DH sounds similar to yours and I’m the one who’s a bit more up to date with current culture and trends. Don’t under estimate those ‘universal values’ your DH has, he’s still a role model to your children.

My biggest bit of advice is to communicate with your children and try and keeps those lines of communication open and judgement free.
Sometimes when my 12 year old talks to us about who’s going out with who in his class and all the associated drama that creates, the instinct is to dismiss it as childish nonsense but I feel like if I do that, he’ll stop talking to me.
So I listen.
It means we’ve had some really deep conversations already about how to treat girls/women, acceptable language etc.

I realise we’re only dipping our toes into the teen years so things may change!!

The other thing that seems to help is having lots of hobbies which takes him out of the house so reduces the amount of screen time. DS is part of numerous sports teams and in a band. Not only does that mean his evenings and weekends are spent outside doing something it’s also teaching his discipline and teamwork.

You can deal with most of this by 1. Not giving your child a smart phone and encouraging parents and peers to do the same / send your child to a school with a no phone culture 2. Encouraging and modelling critical thinking and strong values and fairness 3. Exposing them to positive role models.

You don't need to stay up to date with trends. Your DH is fine OP.

I'd never heard of county lines when my kids were that age either.

@MickyMoonshine be aware that sports teams can be a good influence and a bad influence too. Local secondary school has had to work hard with local sports clubs as they were feeding some of the horrendous misogynistic behaviour being seen in the school.

It’s interesting how most of the posters give their DH a pass on not being in the know.

I do think some parents are quite naive on what is influencing their DC and what they are exposed to and at what age. Fine don’t give your DC a smart phone when at Primary but doesn’t mean their best mate won’t have one. Not allowed at school, but when they are out playing at the local park nothing to stop their mate showing something on the phone. In the old days at similar age maybe they might have an illicit look and giggle at older sibling’s Playboy magazine, but that is nothing compared to what they can see online.

When DS was at Primary many children played GTA even ones as young as 5/6, usually in their bedroom with no parental supervision. Parents excuse, it’s a fun car game. DS played Super Mario at that age and in the lounge and no connection to the internet with other players.

There is no excuse for dad’s to not be switched on to what is now available to children. When tackling misogyny surely dads need to be a positive influence and aware of what their DC particularly sons are exposed to and hearing.

I was a Primary school governor when Ofsted review of peer on peer abuse (now termed child on child abuse) came out. It was horrifying reading. And this report came out following the setting up of the Everyone’s Invited website where people posted about sexual harassment, abuse, rape etc that had happened, mainly to start with in education establishments. It was initially thought that it would be people posting about what had happened to them years ago, it then became obvious that it was happening in the present and in horrifying numbers. And so many people were unaware including the schools.

I attended a presentation from Ofsted on the report and then went home and discussed it with DH. He too was horrified by the statistics of the abuse being faced by young people (mainly but not only girls) in schools nowadays. And the Ofsted presenter advised do not think this is just happening in Secondary schools. I would encourage all parents to read it. As parents we need to be aware of what could be influencing our children to be behaving or accepting their mates to be behaving in this way. This is not just one bad apple in the school or class.

Our children have much greater access and exposure to things than ever before

I want to teach our children how to navigate the world they live in, how can I do that if he’s not aware of that world?

Why would him not being aware of that world prevent you from teaching your children how to navigate it?

Life is complicated enough without inventing problems that haven’t happened yet. Your husband sounds like a decent man, and I’m sure he will rise to the occasion when needed.

@Nopuedeser why does he get a pass from an important part of parenting

Surely we all have different skills we bring to the table in terms of parenting? My husband is way better at some aspects of parenting than I am, and I’m way better at others. I get a ‘free pass’ in terms of helping them with homework, for example, because my DH has far more patience than I do.
Anyway, I didn’t actually say he gets a ‘free pass’. I just said that him not being aware of these things doesn’t mean the OP can’t teach her children about them, which is what she appeared to be saying.

I’m very aware that sports teams can be a poor influence ( like anything really). I’m also a school governor - both primary and secondary and have worked in education for 20 years.
That’s why we’ve chosen carefully, are actively involved and challenge/discuss anything we see or hear that doesn’t sit well with us.
DH and DS have a season ticket for a premier league team but we’ve also been taking him to watch the women’s team for years and he happily wears football shirts with his favourite women’s players names on. It’s the little things that we’re hoping will make difference in how he sees the world and the role of men and women.

We can’t completely shield our son from misogyny or inappropriate behaviour but we can teach him that it’s wrong and to challenge it.

Being a part of a sports team has taught him discipline, resilience, and respect.

I’d also say being a welcoming parent to their friends eg giving lifts, having friends over and volunteering at their hobbies is a great way to stay in the loop.
I volunteer as a guide leader. Girls age 10-13. Most have parents that restrict social media, encourage and facilitate a wide range of hobbies.
I love chatting to them. They were singing 80s and 90s music while we were at an outdoor activity this week and the bands they liked were all ones I knew.

I think this is hugely important. Offer to give lifts, make it clear they are welcome to have their friends over wherever they like and it's not an inconvenience. My parents did this, my mum was the "call me any time of night, wherever you are I'll come get you" mum (my dad would also come but you'd get a bollocking with your free ride, my mum left the bollocking until the next morning). As a result me, my brother and our friends were always around our house and my parents knew what we were up to and what was going on.

Is being a good parent being able to get a good score on a pop culture quizz?

Who decides which topics are essential?

I am hopeless at keeping up with current trends but I am a good parent.

I’d say don’t worry too much for now. It’s likely he will become more aware of trends, issues etc as they get to that point. Just like I assume he’s aware of the issues that affect the DC currently. It’s all a process I think. I wouldn’t worry before it has happened.

the biggest thing imo is to foster that connection between you and DC, don’t shame for mistakes or lecture too much and then they’ll have parents they feel they can chat to about issues. I know it’s not always that easy and sometimes the connection does break down in teens of course but it’s what I’ve done with DS so far. he’s 14 and we do chat about feminism, manosphere, friends who are vapibg and drinking, girlfriends and other friendship issues. He told me when his dad bought him a beer when out (🙄 at his dad but I appreciated that ds told me!). That might change of course but 🤞.

I also have DD who is 5 and I’m hoping by the time she reaches teen years, fewer of her peers will have access to social media etc with the stricter rules. It was tricky to limit DS’s access very effectively due to pandemic, mates all having it, separate homes (his dad wasn’t too fussed). I’ll definitely do things differently with dd no matter what and hope the tide is turning with others too.

also totally agree with everything @Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers said - volunteering at their hobbies and hobbies like scouts, girl guiding etc can be so helpful. Scouts has given so much to DS and given him a different friend group to his school friends. Broadening the friend group can be really beneficial. And just being welcoming to friends too.

The thing is, he won't just be launched into it when the kids hit 13. He's going to get immersed in it by his kids as they grow up.

I'm fairly "down with the kids" ( can feel DDs eye rolls from the other room for saying that.). I'm a fairly young parent,spend a lot of time on Reddit, like new music, I game, I work with a bunch of young people). And yet still, what I think of "youth culture" is very rarely what actually affects DD.

The best way to find out what your teenagers are immersed in, is to talk to your teenagers about it. And the best way to get them to talk about this stuff is to be utterly oblivious about it. Teenagers have this innate need to feel like the smartest person in the room, especially when it comes to their parents, so being utterly oblivious about something can actually be a great way to get them to open up on a subject.

So many times when DD will make a passing reference to someone, and I'll say "Who's that then?" even if I already know. And I'll get her take on a person or subject, which I wouldn't have gotten on. And if I feel it needs pushing back on, I'll start another conversation a couple of days later about it, having "done a bit of reading"

I think though the main tenets of being a teenager are still fundamentally the same the issues that effect them are still at the heart the same issues that we had - friendship issues etc it’s just the media has changed dramatically

the tools they need to navigate it are still the same as they always were

and they will be there for the fun parts as well DD drags me and DH to concerts (less now she is 17 and goes with friends) DS we do sporting stuff with

You really don't think it helps even a bit to have some idea what you're teaching critical thinking ABOUT?

Fact is, whatever you teach, some teens decide you're just a silly oldie talking crap and do the opposite. The point comes where they want their peers' approval more than their parents'.

That's before we even get onto the kids who have phones when their parents think they don't (my nephew knows three). They get their friends' cast-offs.

Being an authoritarian parent who just says "don't do Bad Things, because I said so, even when I can't specify what the Bad Things are" will just produce a kid who will not tell you when they've made a mistake and they're in trouble.

I think parents who don't educate themselves on things like county lines, influencers like Andrew Tate are not doing their children any favours, and it shouldn't just be the mums doing this.

Teens will always find their parents a bit cringy. Older teens with good values are great to have in your DCs life if possible. I.e. At DCs karate club the older teens coach the younger teens in comps, and organise, support etc the comps etc - and its a good mix of sexes as only the actual match-up are sex separated. And the younger teens help out with the kids etc. Same with volunteer surf life saving, the juniors (13-15) patrol with the fully qualified (16+), and also support the little ones themselves. I'll find 14 yr old DC come back from a patrol imparting some life wisdom to me he's got from the 17 yr old, and bite my tongue from reminding him how often dad or I have told him the exact same thing.

I don't really understand why people are disagreeing with you OP. Maybe they're skim reading and misunderstanding your point because you used the word "trends". Obviously parents keep up with trends in a vague way as your kids grow, because it's what they talk about all the time, Minecraft, K-pop, whatever. And it's not something to worry about in advance.

But I think you're talking about issues that will affect your children's health and happiness. Knowing about the existence of the manosphere; Which new influencers are spreading misinformation or bigotry; the latest challenge on tiktok that has the potential to kill them; helping them stay safe on whatever new social media platform is popular, knowing that what you put online lives forever, knowing how not to get doxxed, knowing what to do if they see something inappropriate online, knowing that sex doesn't look like porn...

And you absolutely can have these conversations round the dinner table, and should be in ages appropriate ways. If you don't stay up to date, then the kids walk in to situations blind. They make decisions based on their interpretation of whatever values they've gained from you, balanced against the fun/excitement of the the thing you want to protect them from. But they're lacking a clear message from you on that topic.

We tell our kids specifically how to cross roads so that they are as safe as possible. So we also need to tell them how to stay safe in other aspects of their lives, but if you don't keep up with all the new nonsense why would it occur to you to say something like "hey, I hear that some people online are saying it's a fun thing to microwave your squishy, but absolutely don't do that because you could get very badly burnt"

@DealForTheKids cool your beans!

Very well said!! Fully agree

I agree with this.

It’s great that you’re prepared but you also need to take and enjoy each stage as it comes

basically its like reading the headlines of the daily mail each day as an example so when your dh is parenting he has an idea of whats what etc, rather than a head in a book while ai is running airports as an example etc

Reading the headlines of the Daily Mail is a terrible way to keep up with what's what! It's mostly nonsense. Try something factual instead.