My kids keep saying I have a fat tummy

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

DC are 6 and 4. Wore a jumpsuit today as its bloody hot and when I took DC to the toilet in a cafe, I went for a pee too. My 4 years old pipes up "Mum have you got a baby in your tummy its so fat?" And then my 6 year old echos. I say that it's not nice to ask that question and explain that women's bodies are different from children's especially once they've had children. I tell them I'm proud of my body because I grew them both and everyone body looks different.

Inside though I feel awful. My BMI is around 25 so I am a healthy weight but I do have a small pot belly. I eat healthy, I fast, I exercise but after having 2 kids and finding it very hard to exercise after birth injuries (try 2 years healing and £384884844 of physio for my last child).

I've worked so hard to get back to a size 10 and I still feel shit about myself.My OH says that I look good but kids dont lie do they? They say what they see. Not really AIBU but I do feel so deflated and shit about myself.

Or maybe she feels it's important her kids don't start going to school and calling other children fat? They should be able to laugh it off if their mummy does! 🙄

@TrishM80

precisely this. It is simply not ok to make comments on others bodies, and children need to be taught this.

I don't really agree that kids shouldn't comment on others bodies. Why do they bear the responsibility of the insecurities of adults? I think OP needs to work on her self esteem and that would be a good lesson for her children over and above just "don't comment". What are you going to tell your children when they have comments about their bodies, or anything else, from others? To retort with, "Don't comment," or to have some inner self-esteem where these comments don't matter to them because they are secure in themselves?

When DS2 (age 6) asked if I was pregnant I said no I ate too much cheese and its a cheese baby! He likes to lie his head on my tummy and pat it.

I wasn't offended as neither DH are English (we are both from cultures where relatives will tell.you if you've put on weight!). The DC know that it's not the the kind of thing you can say outside of family though.

@Winefride

but in the real world many people are not secure in their bodies and how they look. And the job of parents is to bring up children who can thrive and function well in the society in which they live. It’s all well and good saying women should love their bodies becuase they grew a human blah blah but in reality many women don’t feel that way and that is their prerogative, and they wouldn’t be impressed by someone passing comment on them.

But, someone being insecure is not the responsibility of a child. I'm not saying women should love or hate their bodies but to take offense from a childs comment is just silly. We, as adults, are supposed to be examples of what it means to have resilience, self esteem, decorum etc and part of this is teaching children to ignore comments we don't like and not absorbing them as fact just because they are stated. It's fine to say to children to 'be nice' but, as an adult, to expect a chlid to do this or have a crisis is extremely silly!

@Winefride

no, it’s the parents job to teach the child it’s not ok to comment on people’s bodies. It’s good for a child to know that it’s not ok.

You'll see that I said that it was our job to teach decorum but also our job to not crumble when decorum lapses.

Just use it as a good opportunity to teach them calmly that it's not nice to comment on people's appearance.

But must say - I can remember being a kid and how ENORMOUS adult bodies seemed to me - and in retrospect, they were perfectly normal, slim people.

Especially, a bum or tummy is close to their eye level so looks bigger... So don't take it personally! And maybe a good opportunity to teach them the laws of artistic perspective too... 😆

They might be telling THEIR truth but it doesn't mean it's the truth. They might be comparing you to themselves (children are naturally much skinnier builds) or to media personalities or popstars.

In your position, I'd look at what they are being exposed to and make sure they're seeing a range of bodies, and also talk to them about photoshop and how the celebrities they are seeing might not really look like that. Or if- like my LO- they are watching cartoons like Barbie, it might be worth pointing out that those characters do not have a realistically achievable body.

Aside from that, it needs to be very clear that it is not acceptable to comment on someone else's body, and that should be emphasised over any education.

When I was downtown this morning, I overheard a toddler telling her mummy that I had a big nose.

I must say, it's really hit me for six. I'm now a crumpled heap on the floor and have booked myself in for an emergency rhinoplasty, and won't be leaving my house until then.

I assume it’s a reference to the very famous Wire Mother/Cloth Mother experiment?

Lighten up, Trunky.

🤣🤗

I assumed that too, I think most people dont know what that is. Getting all hung up (no pun intended) on the word coat hanger

I think there is an implicit assumption for some people that a woman should be so happy and grateful to become a mother that they stop caring about themselves and what they look like completely, and that that is a marker of a good, committed mother. It’s not though, it just internalised misogyny.

I think its internalized misogyny to suggest a woman's appearance is of concern.

@dairydebris

for vast majority of people - male and female- their appearance is of concern to them to some degree. There are very few people around who genuinely do not care about their appearance.

I'll be more specific then. It doesn't matter if a woman's tummy isnt entirely flat. Its actually extremely uncommon to have an entirely flat tummy after kids and menopause. To feel badly about oneself over this, when there are so much more important things about a woman might well be internalized misogyny.
No woman would look down on another woman for not having a slightly rounded tummy. No woman should look down on herself for having a slightly rounded tummy. So where does the negative view of a slightly rounded tummy come from?

The bit about your memory of your mum is really beautiful, thank you.