To think this is enough DH is?

[Burntoutandsevered]

I think I've had enough.

DH and I have been married ten years. He's not a bad person. But I'm not sure we're good for each other. I think we've come to the end of the road. We have a 8yr old DD.

It's hard to explain. I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response. I'm sick of him being tight and controlling the purse strings, but splurging on things he thinks are worthwhile. I'm sick of him being seen as the good guy because he's calm and measured and handsome. And me being seen as the problem because I'm gobby and impulsive and overweight.

Some examples. DS and TV/gaming. What hours he can spend watching and playing are strict and regularly reviewed at DHs instigation. But if I'm not here, or its something he also wants to play/watch, the rules go out of the window. If I don't uphold them I'm failing or not towing the line.

We don't have loads of money. I've improved my career prospects and earning potential in the last 10 years. DH has gone backwards in earnings but does something he loves. We can't have foreign holidays, dinners out, or buy DS new clothes /shoes DH deems unnecessary. That's irresponsible. But we can buy him a VERY expensive new bike, because bikes are an investment. We both pay the vast majority of our wages into the joint account. If DS needs something DH deems unworthy, I'll buy it from 'my' money. If DH has to supplement our monthly Outgoings with his savings, we 'owe his account' x amount.

DH plays music, in every room and every car, ALL the time. He has quite niche tastes. If me or DS don't want to listen to his choice, we're ridiculed or eyes are rolled. If DS and I want to listen to radio 1 on a car journey and sing along to a chart hit, we're unreasonable because DH doesn't like it.

It's my birthday soon. For his (admittedly big) recent birthday we threw a huge party. I catered for 50. We had 8 people stay over, despite a small house, the weekend before my new job started. I raised our plans to go away for the weekend for my birthday. He brought up a work trip away which means we can't. It's my first birthday without either of my parents. Nothing will happen to mark it. He has three trips away with work / friends between now and then all of which he's planned meticulously.

These aren't good examples. I don't know. I just know I've spent years trying to walk a line that means everyone's needs get met at the cost of my own. And now I'm fucking sick of it.

He works away sometimes. I used to miss him. Now I can't wait until he's gone.

How did it get to this? This is just who he is, right? Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

But OP, how is this going to change his unkindness or the fact that your needs are constantly belittled or ignored?

How will it stop him playing his fucking jazz all the time?

This 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I think you need to get out while you can still see that this is wrong! This man has really done a number on your self-esteem.

As Mumsnet likes to say: go on a crash diet. Lose the 12 stone of dead weight.

I've often thought if I just try harder, work harder, love harder, he'll see me. But in reality I think the more effort I put in the less respect he has.

I could have written this. Constantly trying to get my ex's approval. In my case, he turned out to be gay, which explains why nothing I did was ever enough and why I didn't feel loved (I wasn't! Not like a wife, anyway). Not saying your H is gay! But it feels very different when someone genuinely loves and appreciates you. I didn't think my marriage was that bad until I eventually got into a new (much healthier in every way) relationship.

You deserve better, OP.

And, BTW, once we separated, it turned out that not everyone had a particularly high opinion of my ex. So it may not be true that everyone thinks he's lovely.