To think this is enough DH is?

[Burntoutandsevered]

I think I've had enough.

DH and I have been married ten years. He's not a bad person. But I'm not sure we're good for each other. I think we've come to the end of the road. We have a 8yr old DD.

It's hard to explain. I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response. I'm sick of him being tight and controlling the purse strings, but splurging on things he thinks are worthwhile. I'm sick of him being seen as the good guy because he's calm and measured and handsome. And me being seen as the problem because I'm gobby and impulsive and overweight.

Some examples. DS and TV/gaming. What hours he can spend watching and playing are strict and regularly reviewed at DHs instigation. But if I'm not here, or its something he also wants to play/watch, the rules go out of the window. If I don't uphold them I'm failing or not towing the line.

We don't have loads of money. I've improved my career prospects and earning potential in the last 10 years. DH has gone backwards in earnings but does something he loves. We can't have foreign holidays, dinners out, or buy DS new clothes /shoes DH deems unnecessary. That's irresponsible. But we can buy him a VERY expensive new bike, because bikes are an investment. We both pay the vast majority of our wages into the joint account. If DS needs something DH deems unworthy, I'll buy it from 'my' money. If DH has to supplement our monthly Outgoings with his savings, we 'owe his account' x amount.

DH plays music, in every room and every car, ALL the time. He has quite niche tastes. If me or DS don't want to listen to his choice, we're ridiculed or eyes are rolled. If DS and I want to listen to radio 1 on a car journey and sing along to a chart hit, we're unreasonable because DH doesn't like it.

It's my birthday soon. For his (admittedly big) recent birthday we threw a huge party. I catered for 50. We had 8 people stay over, despite a small house, the weekend before my new job started. I raised our plans to go away for the weekend for my birthday. He brought up a work trip away which means we can't. It's my first birthday without either of my parents. Nothing will happen to mark it. He has three trips away with work / friends between now and then all of which he's planned meticulously.

These aren't good examples. I don't know. I just know I've spent years trying to walk a line that means everyone's needs get met at the cost of my own. And now I'm fucking sick of it.

He works away sometimes. I used to miss him. Now I can't wait until he's gone.

How did it get to this? This is just who he is, right? Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

He's not absolutely vile though. Everyone thinks he's lovely. He's gentle, loves nature, kind to animals is a good friend and has many long term friendships, is thought of highly by colleagues and adored by his family. He never really has to try and yet always comes up smelling of roses.

I on the other hand try incredibly hard all the time, just want to be seen and loved and respected, find friendships hard and have a difficult relationship with my siblings (both parents are dead). My life is almost entirely built around his. He doesn't seek to recognise the sacrifices I've made to make his life what it is. I've often thought if I just try harder, work harder, love harder, he'll see me. But in reality I think the more effort I put in the less respect he has.

In other areas of my life (work, parenting when he's not around) people think quite highly of me. Yet in his company I always feel deficient. Even if he doesn't intend this, he doesn't do much to help when I tell him that's how I feel.

Our DS absolutely adores him. He has always been No.1 Fun Dad.

I guess (as is painfully obvious) I don't really want it to be the end. But I also know I can't live feeling like this forever.

What complete and utter tosh. Communication cannot change an abusive man.

Oh and OP abusers don’t abuse all the time. Read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

I don't know why you say he's not a bad person OP. He obviously is.

He can carry on being a fabulous fun Disney Dad wih your ds (when he's not mocking ds for wanting to listen to pop songs) when you split, and you and ds will be free of his judging and control for at least half the week..

He's a tosser op, a little Hitler. I hope you can see this.

Stop trying and start making plans to split from him. He's an abusive piece of shit and you are worth so much more ❤️

It's just so hard to imagine how I can make life work on my own. I think it will be much easier when DS is in high school. Perhaps i can spend a year or two preparing for that.

I worry so much that DS will never forgive me. Or he'll want to live with his dad. Then I'll have lost them both.

He's not absolutely vile though. Everyone thinks he's lovely. He's gentle, loves nature, kind to animals is a good friend and has many long term friendships, is thought of highly by colleagues and adored by his family. He never really has to try and yet always comes up smelling of roses.

But it doesn't matter what everybody else thinks OP, or what a good friend he is to his mates or that he's adored by his family.

None of those people are married to him. You are, and you are the person he's supposed to treat well. But from what you've written he's not a nice, lovely, kind husband, and he doesn't treat you well.

Do you want to spend another decade with a man who makes you miserable?

When we are living with someone who cherishes us we feel good about ourselves. We feel confident, happy and safe. We like who we are - you are feeling the opposite. He needs an ultimatum.Either Listen to you and get couple therapy or work towards living separately.

When we are living with someone who cherishes us we feel good about ourselves. We feel confident, happy and safe. We like who we are - you are feeling the opposite. He needs an ultimatum. Either Listen to you and get couple therapy or work towards living separately.

When we are living with someone who cherishes us we feel good about ourselves. We feel confident, happy and safe. We like who we are - you are feeling the opposite. He needs an ultimatum. Either Listen to you and get couple therapy or work towards living separately.

I felt this😞💔 sending a virtual Mumsnet hug.
You know what to do. Start again and have people around you who value you and show u the respect you deserve. I'm so sorry about losing your parents 😭. DH is not a good man. Move on.

He sounds awful OP, really awful - manipulative and fundamentally selfish. I don’t think he will improve or change, sorry. Your only option is to prepare quietly and leave quickly. He sounds like the type who can get particularly nasty at the moment of divorce.
I dint think he would like DS to live with him it - would be too much work but…. So I would read threads here and do planning, making sure that you were seen as a main carer.

You deserve better than that, and your husband’s behaviour is such a bad example for DS, you wouldn’t want DS to become the same as his dad.

He sounds horrid and abusive, and you deserve better. YANBU, OP.

Oh and stop paying into any joint accounts. Stop spending any money on him at all (birthday/Christmas etc) I bet you pay a lot of money the nice food bits etc and daily expenses out of your money. Don't. Keep separate stash of things for you and don't let him know or have access to it. Start putting money away for when u do break away. There are loads of good tips on Mumsnet. He's so selfish and is draining u financially as well as in every other way. Centre yourself now. Don't spend your time doing things in house for him. Build your career. Get fit. Make friends. Save separately. Don't let him have access to what's going on in your head or life. Stop opening up to him. Sharing your thoughts. Be distant and demand him to pull his weight in the house.

You speak very articulately about the position and have clear insight into how he is. You need to start using your voice more and backing yourself in discussions with him.

Honestly, Inwould show him this post and ask if he wants to try and save it. He really sounds very selfish and as if he takes you for granted.
The birthday thing is not ok after you made such an effort for him. Your child needs shoes that fit him.

Oh no OP. Don't show him it. He will use it against you. Give him nothing. Grey rock.
Knowledge is power.

I don't know in what realm of reality I've found myself. But I issued a kind of ultimatum tonight.

I was thinking about it. And it suddenly seemed so crystal clear in my head, it would have been disingenuous not to have said it out loud.

So, I went into the living room and said "For all our health and wellbeing, I think we need to label things as they actually are. Between now and the end of the summer holidays, let's just be co-parents who live under the same roof. Let's get rid of any expectation of romantic intimacy or loving connection. We function well as two people bringing up an ace human. Let's just do that. Nothing will actually change. We'll just be more honest about it".

Reader, he did not object.

He seemed sad. He had questions. He asked what would happen when he went to kiss me good night. I said "I hope you sleep well". He left.

I'm holding my boundaries. I don't know if this spells the end or a new vision for the future. But it feels honest.

Get rid. He sounds like a controlling,boring bastard. You and your kid (s),will be miserable. Life is too short.

Wow, well done you OP. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You're doing the right thing. He has carefully engineered things to be this way you know, to suit and benefit him.

Hi @Burntoutandsevered .

Reading your posts makes me sad for you.

Your H is not a good, loving, supportive partner to you, however wonderful he is to everyone else in his life.

He is dismissive of you, controlling (financially and practically), and he gaslights you.

He isn't thoughtful - has he made ANY plans to celebrate your birthday, make you feel special?

He makes the rules, and you and DS have to obey them or be told off by him. But he can decide to break them and that's fine.

He decides what joint money can be spent and how, not you.

He decides what music you can all listen to, and ridicules your taste and your son's.

He decides what can be watched and when, and when DC can game and for how long.

Do you have ANY voice in your marriage?

I would quietly be making plans to leave - start saving, start getting copies of any and all financial info, and start developing your own life.

Good luck 💐