To think this is enough DH is?

[Burntoutandsevered]

I think I've had enough.

DH and I have been married ten years. He's not a bad person. But I'm not sure we're good for each other. I think we've come to the end of the road. We have a 8yr old DD.

It's hard to explain. I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response. I'm sick of him being tight and controlling the purse strings, but splurging on things he thinks are worthwhile. I'm sick of him being seen as the good guy because he's calm and measured and handsome. And me being seen as the problem because I'm gobby and impulsive and overweight.

Some examples. DS and TV/gaming. What hours he can spend watching and playing are strict and regularly reviewed at DHs instigation. But if I'm not here, or its something he also wants to play/watch, the rules go out of the window. If I don't uphold them I'm failing or not towing the line.

We don't have loads of money. I've improved my career prospects and earning potential in the last 10 years. DH has gone backwards in earnings but does something he loves. We can't have foreign holidays, dinners out, or buy DS new clothes /shoes DH deems unnecessary. That's irresponsible. But we can buy him a VERY expensive new bike, because bikes are an investment. We both pay the vast majority of our wages into the joint account. If DS needs something DH deems unworthy, I'll buy it from 'my' money. If DH has to supplement our monthly Outgoings with his savings, we 'owe his account' x amount.

DH plays music, in every room and every car, ALL the time. He has quite niche tastes. If me or DS don't want to listen to his choice, we're ridiculed or eyes are rolled. If DS and I want to listen to radio 1 on a car journey and sing along to a chart hit, we're unreasonable because DH doesn't like it.

It's my birthday soon. For his (admittedly big) recent birthday we threw a huge party. I catered for 50. We had 8 people stay over, despite a small house, the weekend before my new job started. I raised our plans to go away for the weekend for my birthday. He brought up a work trip away which means we can't. It's my first birthday without either of my parents. Nothing will happen to mark it. He has three trips away with work / friends between now and then all of which he's planned meticulously.

These aren't good examples. I don't know. I just know I've spent years trying to walk a line that means everyone's needs get met at the cost of my own. And now I'm fucking sick of it.

He works away sometimes. I used to miss him. Now I can't wait until he's gone.

How did it get to this? This is just who he is, right? Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

@Burntoutandsevered I wish you all the best for the new life you are going to live without him. You're going to be much happier when the dust has settled

I grew up with my father being like that to me, my brothers too, learned from dad I guess. It's really hard and honestly, I feel for you. Always the silly irrational one, never right (even if I was!), never had an opinion or idea valued, never valued as a person and often dismissed. Put this at the base of all the other things he is lording it over you and it's soul-destroying and you really have my sympathies, it's impossible to live with.

I don't think people like that ever change. I have very little to do with my brothers at all and it's freedom, I don't even feel sad about it because how they make me feel is... crap and it comes a time that stepping away is the healthy option. If leaving the marriage is the right thing for you, I would say you will feel that same freedom.

To start with get your own bank account open asap, transfer your half into it and have your earnings paid into it from now on.

I think you know the right answer OP

He sounds awful. Really really
awful. Incredibly selfish and dictatorial.

A pp has said that the music alone would drive her round the bend, and I agree!

But all of it is really bad. The money stuff is just so horrible and selfish.

This. He is awful. So many posts about nasty husbands tonight.

He sounds completely unreasonable and like he sees you and DS as lesser people. His needs and wants trump all others and you two just have to go along with it.
Run off into the sunset with your son and don’t look back. Your (hopefully soon to be ex) DH is a prat.

This ☝️with bells on.

To be honest I don't think he will be too bothered by what you said to him tonight. All men hear is blah blah blah . Moan moan moan. He will think u getting your period.
Anyway say less and do more. withdrawing of time, effort and money. Actually centre your own needs now and stop being his doormat.
He's living the life of reilly at your expense. Not even a thank you. Just take take take and not give u a second thought. Many of us have seen this all before.

I was struck by how self-aware and articulate this post is - I feel you're describing a certain type of man who we all know.

Everything you've tried so far - presumably that includes trying to reason with him, understand him, humour him etc.- isn't working. Find your self respect and draw your boundaries - if he's going to go away for several weekends around your birthday, then you book some for yourself after that. Ignore him when he complains about music choices etc. Take a deep breath and force yourself to respond politely but coldly until he's forgotten the version of you he characterises as hysterical. Take the power back - you're the only person letting him have it; stop that today. Then leave, ideally.

Just so you know. You really, really don’t function well as coparents.

He’s horrible to his child and is happy to be so. That’s all that you need to know.

You say that they are not good examples. They seem very good examples to me as to why the relationship is no longer working for you. As a couple the relationship should work for both of you.

If this is all true, he’s either a Wolf in Sheep’s clothing (highly likely), or he doesn’t actually like or value you (possibility), either way he’s not the man you need as your life partner.

You get one life OP, you’re currently miserable, so change it however it needs changing.

You deserve better than this OP sounds like he doesn't care about you enough maybe its time to end your one sided relationship

Can you adjust what you put into the joint account so it only covers your contribution to the bills so he has less say over the extraneous things that come up?
He sounds like an energy sponge. I hope your co-parenting summer exercise goes well and lays a solid foundation on what will be expected as you move forward with the divorce.
Keep working on your boundaries because he’s used to trampling all over them.

That was beautifully done.

You have shown him the reality of what taking you for granted leads to.

Well done x

Brutal!
💯🙌

"He works away sometimes. I used to miss him. Now I can't wait until he's gone." This is the bit that matters - everything else is just details. You deserve to be with someone you miss when they're away.

I can imagine what he’s like, everyone loves him but he also is the type to take him self too seriously and think he’s right about everything. Will make sure to share his opinion on everything because he truly believes he’s got an interesting perspective. I meet men like this all the time at work and people fall all over themselves talking about how great and smart he is, whereas I find them insufferable. You DH sounds insufferable, probably nice enough but you seem to find him insufferable too

I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response.

Did you marry my exH OP ? 😮

Been there, done that and I'm sorry to say it won't get any better. I lived like you describe for 5 years and then put my foot down. His response was to cheat, and find another woman who would tolerate him 🙄

I think you need to start making plans to leave OP.

I'm sorry x

Well done op. They are good examples, he’s a very selfish man. I challenge you to:
Buy everything for ds from the joint funds or tell him of everything ds needs, to get for him. If he refuses you have a clear trail. Message him ‘to be clear, you refuse to buy him new basketball shoes so as usual ds things are coming out of my funds?’
play each day some music or tv you or ds like. Especially in the car if you’re driving. If he complains , pull over. Say calmly no one died and made you the god of good taste in music: taste is by definition personwl and your son and I were enjoying that. We will continue to play it and enjoy it. Everything is not tailored to you. If it’s tv don’t be défensive. Say calmly ‘I thought he’d like it, we are both allowed to approve extra tv for ds, I’ve just always been too intimidated by your reaction, letting you make me the controlling parent and you fun dad. That has ended, we are doing no hypocrisy parenting now, it should be really good for ds.’

.... and absolutely bloody fabulous!😅

Oh Gosh, just living with constant music playing in the background would be a reason for me to divorce. Just think how happy you'll be when you can choose silence!! He sounds like an awful human being, and you've put up with too much.

He sounds horrible. Get out. Get away. New life of peace and harmony with your DS. You deserve to be happy.

There’s no communicating with these kinds of men. I bet if you raised anything he will twist it around to him being the victim.
”Oh, you wanted to do something for your birthday? Why didn’t you say something?”

You can communicate as clearly as you want but they’re determined not to listen. He sounds totally selfish, OP. Your feelings are valid.

He's not absolutely vile though.

Err, he is pretty vile.