AIBU to bring my young children only to the reception?

[Cherrytree696]

My sister is getting married next year - I have 3 kids who will all be under 4 next year when she ties the knot.

None of my kids are in the wedding party and neither am I or my husband and because of this my sister doesn't have room for us in the hotel so we will be travelling from home - about half an hour.

My mum asked me what my plans were for the wedding and I said myself and my husband had only briefly discussed it but that he would probably keep the kids at home and bring them to the reception for 3pm and then we will go home after the first dance.

This has caused quite the reaction from my sister and mum but I'm just not sure that a 3 and a half year old and two 18 months olds are they best mix with a formal wedding. Our plan was that I could go and see my sister get married and then he would bring them to the reception.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I don't think my kids are going to improve the situation. She's getting married at 2pm so they won't miss much other than the actual ceremony and the dancing (happy to stay later if they are settled and not annoying anyone).

Are they thinking of some Hello style kids in photos looking adorable ...not realising the reality

It's not clear if you are also skipping the ceremony?

I can understand your dh keeping the dc occupied elsewhere during the ceremony, but I can understand the upset if you aren't going.

No I'm going! I am going to go with my brother and his girlfriend and then my husband will bring the kids later (or that's the current plan).

Personally I think that’s a good compromise. You can enjoy the ceremony without trying to wrangle the DCs. Be fine at the reception with your partner to help and then play it by ear for the dancing.

Then I genuinely can't see the issue, seems sensible to me!

Wow........this is causing fall out already, and if the wedding is next year, that's at least 6 months away!!!
Have you tried sitting down with your sister to discuss her expectations so that you can come to a mutually agreeable solution?

They think I'm being selfish because its a family event and the kids should be there.

What reaction has it caused with your mum and sister? What’s their complaint?

Cross post. Ok take the kids to the whole day and let them run amok.

Presumably they want the children there, but sitting silently like perfect little angels and smiling nicely for photos, not shouting out "I need a poo" or similar during the ceremony 😂

Well that will be the next step as so far she has just shouted at me (not in the mood to be rational) but I just wanted to see if anyone could see it from her side.

She didn't want me to be a bridesmaid as she didn't think I would be able to focus (fair - I have 6 months old twins and a 2 year old at the moment) but I am trying my best to focus and be supportive. I know the wedding is a big deal to her (as was mine to me).

That sounds totally sensible to me.
Do your mum and sister know your kids well and understand that children this age are unlikely to sit still and be quiet? She doesn’t want them crying during the “I do” part or running about during the exchange of rings!

We still laugh about my young sister loudly proclaiming “I BORING!” in the middle of a church service one time.

I once had a family member get very upset that I wasn’t planning to bring my 1 year old to their wedding - I thought that was really odd, it’s not them who has to keep the child quiet and entertained at an event that is entirely not geared towards them.

😂

They don’t realise what hard work it will be for you, it would be nicer if you can enjoy the ceremony. Sounds like you have a good plan. Your sister wants them to be little cherubs.

I can understand your husband cutting the day short to take the kids home by why do you need to accompany him?

If my sister was only turning up to my wedding for a very small amount of time when she had a perfectly capable co parent to take the children I’d be really pissed off.

I'm being selfish because everyone was at my wedding and everyone won't be at my sister's. However, there was only one child at my wedding and it was a grooms mans child whose wife took her to the park and we paid for the accommodation at the hotel as they were particularly of the wedding party so the little girl was there for a lot of the day but was able to go to the room for naps etc.

Everyone else has accommodation at the hotel. We don't and it's very expensive to get a taxi and my husband will need the car to take the kids home. I'll admit it's not a well thought out plan but thank you for adding that perspective.

This sounds like a sensible arrangement.

I’m not sure I understand why they are upset - you have made a good decision based on 3 little children who are not in wedding party, to be honest won’t really know what’s going on and there is no room at hotel for them - so if you take them all and they start to cry/talk/whatever during the ceremony I’m sure she wouldn’t be that happy with that - your solution seems entirely reasonable to me - I must be missing something ?

I can understand you thinking children of those ages and a wedding ceremony are not a good fit, although it may be possible with enough boxes of raisins etc. I think as a grandparent I could understand you not want them in the ceremony but I’d be really sad for them to miss the photos. It’s lovely your mum and sister want a family wedding not just a picture perfect one. I know they won’t stand perfectly but they can be in pretty dresses, little suits and honestly those will be the fun memories to look back on, also at weddings lots of wider family love to meet/ catch up with new family members and the bit between the ceremony and the dinner is perfect for that where it’s a bit less formal and if the weather is good outside they can run around a bit. I’m sure your mum would like a photo of all of you including the little ones, there aren’t many opportunities to get dressed up these days.

Do you know I think I'm missing something too. I'll let things calm down and see if I can come to an arrangement that works for everyone.

Ask them what they would like you to do. Listen and don’t say anything until they have finished and tell them you will think again with your husband about how you can make it work. Then see what you can do. For me it may be that he brings them to the reception and you help him get them in the car to go home then return to the wedding.

Yes! Current plan was to have the kids there for the drinks reception in their outfits, just not the ceremony so they will still have their outfits on and can stand for pictures and then I'll probably just play the evening bit as I see it ☺️.

You know your own kids, and your own ability to manage them and if they need to be removed quickly during any wedding duties, and she should respect this-we've all seen people struggling to do too much and wrangle things at weddings. All kids are different, and you're being a good sister trying to do your best for them.

I think the fact that I have twins makes this more challenging (they will be 18 months) and everything with them has just been more challenging but that's because there are 2 of them 🙈.

But yes I need to have a rational sit down conversation with them.