AIBU to bring my young children only to the reception?

[Cherrytree696]

My sister is getting married next year - I have 3 kids who will all be under 4 next year when she ties the knot.

None of my kids are in the wedding party and neither am I or my husband and because of this my sister doesn't have room for us in the hotel so we will be travelling from home - about half an hour.

My mum asked me what my plans were for the wedding and I said myself and my husband had only briefly discussed it but that he would probably keep the kids at home and bring them to the reception for 3pm and then we will go home after the first dance.

This has caused quite the reaction from my sister and mum but I'm just not sure that a 3 and a half year old and two 18 months olds are they best mix with a formal wedding. Our plan was that I could go and see my sister get married and then he would bring them to the reception.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I don't think my kids are going to improve the situation. She's getting married at 2pm so they won't miss much other than the actual ceremony and the dancing (happy to stay later if they are settled and not annoying anyone).

You aren't having to pay hotel costs so I would have thought you going home in a taxi so a justifiable expense for your sister's wedding unless totally financially impossible.

It's really fine ☺️.

No not financially impossible. Taxis in our area can be quite tricky to come by and they don't always like to drive to our house (it's up a dirt track and they can't get turned easily - it's a problem!).

Or it could work out well if they nap in their pushchair?

This is a perfect opportunity to leave the kids with their dad and celebrate your sister’s wedding with your family.

No I've been a new mum, breastfeeding, pregnant with twins and a new mum breastfeeding twins for the best part of the last few years and yeah I just haven't had time away. He hasn't either really but I'm very much hoping it's in our future ☺️.

Could you stay over in someone else’s room? Otherwise bring them to the ceremony, and leave by 10pm. I’d just point out to your sister that you were trying to spare her the ceremony being disrupted as 2 18 months olds will be hard work, but if she doesn’t mind…. Your husband can always take them out.

I would only agree to it if you could hire a sitter for the church, and photographs as an extra pair of hands otherwise I would turn up after the ceremony.
They might have a blast running about, if your family is the type of family to help you out during the day.

They live half an hour away! It’s hardly a destination wedding.

Drive your family home and come back. Then you can dance til late.

I think your sister has NO idea what 3.5 and 18 months olds are like! She probably thinks that they are "good kids" so will be happy being little angels throughout the event. A friend's sister has just decided that she wants no toys or kids activities anywhere at her wedding despite her 2 nieces being bridesmaids. Nieces are 6&8 and really well behaved, polite kids but a wedding and reception up to the dancing bit is still a REALLY long time for the kids to do nothing other than talk to grown-ups while mainly sitting still. Do what will work for you and your husband and kids.

You’re making it sound like you live on the edge of no where and the wedding is at the North Pole. It just sounds like you’re coming up with every excuse possible not to be present and involved in the day and I can see why your sisters hurt.

Think how you would have felt if on your wedding day, someone who was important to you was acting really unbothered about the whole thing and coming up with every excuse under the sun not to be there longer than possible. It would hurt.

Let your husband be in charge of the kids, let him leave early with them and make sure you’re present and involved for the whole day. You haven’t had to pay for a hotel so spring for a taxi, you say they’re hard to come by so pre book it or pay for a cheaper near by hotel. Stop coming up with half assed excuses.

If she wants them at the wedding all day then she needs to sort a room out for you at the hotel so they can have a nap/break etc!

Well she could have put you all in the wedding party then!
Is there a hotel nearby at all?

Oooh! I hadn't actually thought of that.

That is very rude of you.

That is not what I'm trying to do at all.

And you don't know me so do not claim to understand how I would feel in situations.

It’s not your sister’s decision, it’s totally reasonable to not want to deal with multiple very young children during the ceremony who don’t enjoy sitting still when you know it’s just going to be a stressful handful.

Thank you so much to everyone who has provided me with their point of view on this subject. I had been needing to hear different perspectives and I appreciate those that have taken the time to provide me with theirs 😊.

I will now go and talk to my sister when she is ready and hopefully get to a place where she is happy - as that's all I really want for her on her day.

As I said initially, this was just a quick plan that my husband and I had put together on the subject of the wedding to make sure that my sister's day went without a hitch. BUT it's not until April and there is still time for the twins to develop and at the moment I can't actually imagine my daughter being a 3 and a half year old! As I am sure many of you will understand, it can be hard to imagine them older when they are so small and need you so much! ♥️

I actually think what you’re doing is very sensible. People get so worked up about weddings.

I agree with other posters that you should try and stay for the whole evening do and send your husband home with the kids at their bedtime. I wouldn’t advise keeping them there and trying to get them to sleep in a pram unless you know they can do this - I tried it at my brother’s wedding and the baby woke after 30 mins and screamed the place down.

Nobody seems to have suggested that you could just take the 3 year old and then have your husband bring the twins after the ceremony? 18 month olds at a wedding would be a nightmare, but there’s no reason your older child couldn’t attend, especially if you bring some colouring or a few toys they could do quietly in their seat? They are very much a part of your family too and it’s different that having toddlers who literally can’t sit still. I also think it’s nice your sister wants them there, especially given the trend for child free weddings.

Honestly it sounds like you are being as unselfish as possible by not inflicting your young children on a special moment for your sister. And bringing them later.

You must be there for the whole day. Your sister must be your priority and the kids your husband's. But it sounds like you can get that sorted.

I hadn't actually thought of that. My mind is just seeing them as a group and I'll be honest, it's hard work right now but that might actually be really lovely. The twins could go with my husband and my daughter and I could have an afternoon away in our pretty frocks. Thank you for this ♥️.

I think you are both being a (bit) unreasonable.

I mean, I think wedding party or no wedding party I would have made sure my sister with small children got a room in the hotel. That would make it a lot easier for you to be there.

But, its actually lovely that she wants your children there. Good for her.

Anyway. Go to the ceremony. Lots of toys and snacks and your husband is in charge of them. all stay for reception. Husband takes them home. Once they are in bed hire a babysitter and your husband comes back to pick you up and enjoy a couple of dances.

If I were you, I’d bring the kids to the full event purely out of spite.

I’d let them cry, make a mess with food, play with noisy toys, wander around and walk in front of the professional photographs, take a nap on a full seating area somewhere, cause carnage.

This made me laugh 😂.

I wouldn't do that - I'd be too embarrassed but I think it's really interesting that people are commenting that I'm not taking them out of spite and then you are saying you'd take them out of spite 🙈. I'm starting to feel like I'm in a lose lose.