AIBU to bring my young children only to the reception?

[Cherrytree696]

My sister is getting married next year - I have 3 kids who will all be under 4 next year when she ties the knot.

None of my kids are in the wedding party and neither am I or my husband and because of this my sister doesn't have room for us in the hotel so we will be travelling from home - about half an hour.

My mum asked me what my plans were for the wedding and I said myself and my husband had only briefly discussed it but that he would probably keep the kids at home and bring them to the reception for 3pm and then we will go home after the first dance.

This has caused quite the reaction from my sister and mum but I'm just not sure that a 3 and a half year old and two 18 months olds are they best mix with a formal wedding. Our plan was that I could go and see my sister get married and then he would bring them to the reception.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I don't think my kids are going to improve the situation. She's getting married at 2pm so they won't miss much other than the actual ceremony and the dancing (happy to stay later if they are settled and not annoying anyone).

Just to add, I'd absolutely love the night out! I haven't had a night out since before my twins were born and I don't see any in my near future 🙈.

A night of dancing sounds great! I was just trying to be realistic and as I've said, it wasn't a well thought out plan.

If she wants them at the ceremony, I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t bring them, tbh.

Can you expand on this? I'm interested.

@Cherrytree696
well then I think you’ve made a fair and sensible decision , less stress for you in the run up worrying they will spoil the ceremony, so you can be happy and excited for your sister in the run up too and it sounds very much like all of you will be a big part of the day. In fact as someone who thinks weddings are family affairs I still think your compromise is great. If they come and start to be noisy one of you would likely take them out, and you could possibly miss some of the ceremony, this way you 100 % get to witness your sister get married and then you get to celebrate with all the family.

DS was just 2 when DB got married and almost 3 when DSis did and he missed both ceremonies due to kicking off and being whisked out by DH. He did go to the registry office of Dsis but hid under a chair for all of it. So I honestly don't think you are missing out on much by not having small kids.

He is almost 5 now and would have been fine from about 4.

Well, the ceremony is the actual wedding. It is the ‘real’ bit. And, imo, that is where it is important to have the people who matter. So many brides are no kids, because they might make a noise or whatever, but if your sister is saying it is important to have them there, I would respect that.

You could make sure you are sitting with other family members who can help if needed. Take quiet books and toys, as well as snacks for the little ones. But it’s not a long time, and it’s lovely for it to be for the whole family.

Depending where the wedding is, there should be a chance for them to do a bit of running around between the ceremony and reception. And then, you just decide when you are all ready to leave and slip off in the evening.

I would bring a babysitter/nanny with you to help entertain them while you chat to pellle

Thank you. I'm definitely nervous about the wedding ceremony as it's scheduled to be 45 minutes but yes that is the most important part of the day so perhaps that's her thinking.

I'd really like to not stress about what my kids are doing but I'm worrying about what they will be like in April 2027. That's a long time away. They might be okay!

I would just ask yourself honestly if you're doing it out of spite that you aren't in the wedding party or staying at the venue?

I think you're being eminently sensible. We have one DD, and we were invited to a lot of weddings when she was a baby/toddler (6 months to 2 years). Typically her 'good'' behaviour lasted from when we arrived until the bride did. We tried pushing it a bit longer at one wedding, and she started shouting when the registrar asked it anyone objected (we took her out at that point). We agreed in advance of each wedding who would take her out.

She went through quite a phase where we could either keep her quiet or still, so she'd run around happily, or scream if kept in one place. So there was no good way to keep her in the ceremony. Notably, there's one of her; trying to bundle three children out of a ceremony at once would be pretty disruptive - you might want to point that out....

I’d leave husband and kids out of it all together tbh and enjoy the day yourself

I did this for my sisters wedding left the 13 month old and husband at home and went alone - stayed at the hotel and had a brilliant time - so relaxed, no kids stressing me out - I could just enjoy the day and the evening and was allowed a hangover day the next day - slept in - was bliss

This sounds amazing however I don't think it will go down very well. I haven't had a day to myself since my daughter was born 🙈.

Which bit of

Our plan was that I could go and see my sister get married and then he would bring them to the reception.

in the OP is beyond your comprehension?

Sorry but why? Surely your DH could cope for one day and night? Like you would?

If nothing else you definitely need to stay for the full evening, not go home after the first dance. Its your sisters wedding! Your DH taking the kids can be an option if they are acting up but you should absolutely stay

Is it just me who's a bit 🤨 at the fact that none of you are in the wedding party? So it's super important that these babies are at the wedding but not important enough to make them flower girls/page boys?

Get a babysitter and you and your husband enjoy the wedding.

I dont think yabu as such but the only reason to not take them to the ceremony IMO would be the risk of them being disruptive. She's said she wants them there, therefore she's taking that risk so I don't understand why you wouldn't take them if that's what she'd like. I know I'm going against the grain but I don't get it. The suggestion to come after the service actually sounds eminently sensible to me...but if she wants to have them there then I'd just go with it.

Regarding going home after the first dance, I would move heaven and earth to stay at my sister's wedding for the whole thing...I just can't imagine trotting off home at 8pm to put my kids to bed, especially if they have another parent. It just seems really odd that there doesn't seem to be any possible solution to this. I feel like there must be something that's better than you all leaving at that time.

Neither of you are mindreaders and it sounds like you've come to this from very different perspectives. To me it's just miscommunication and I hope you resolve it and have a lovely (and stress free) time.

I think your plan is good particularly if you can tweak it and stay all evening at the reception.

Gosh that’s crazy.

Just nod and smile @Cherrytree696 agree to everything she wants and the dc can go down woth d&v 18 hours before the ceremony and your dh can be an absolute star and stay with the sickly children while you have a tremendous time. Such a shame but you wouldn't want the B&G to pick it up and ruin their honeymoon.

Why on earth would sister want them at the ceremony? Screaming small people while she does her vows

I don't know. That's just how our marriage has worked. Is this not normal? We don't really use baby sitters and he works shifts so unless my mum offers then we just get on with it.

I'm bucking the trend, for me weddings are family occasions and you should all be there for the main ceremony. Most kids are absolutely fine for this, it really isn't that big a deal.

I’d take the kids to the whole thing.

Buggies for the little ones to fall asleep on.

Im with your family on this. The children are invited and they are viewing this as a family event.

what a shame to miss out.

i did take mine to weddings (they were invited to) when babies and toddlers and everyone had a great time

Just leave it open for now. Then ensure you spend a solid few hours together with her and the DC in a few months time and it’s very likely she will reconsider her opinion.

If she wants them there for the formal photos you could bring them at that point.

My DC were pages at 3 and 1.5 and my SIL to be was asking for all sorts of ‘can they just do x and y’. I had to remind her that the youngest had only been walking a few weeks and actually their performance on the day was entirely beyond my control. DH spent a lot of time in the gardens that day. 🤣