AIBU to bring my young children only to the reception?

[Cherrytree696]

My sister is getting married next year - I have 3 kids who will all be under 4 next year when she ties the knot.

None of my kids are in the wedding party and neither am I or my husband and because of this my sister doesn't have room for us in the hotel so we will be travelling from home - about half an hour.

My mum asked me what my plans were for the wedding and I said myself and my husband had only briefly discussed it but that he would probably keep the kids at home and bring them to the reception for 3pm and then we will go home after the first dance.

This has caused quite the reaction from my sister and mum but I'm just not sure that a 3 and a half year old and two 18 months olds are they best mix with a formal wedding. Our plan was that I could go and see my sister get married and then he would bring them to the reception.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I don't think my kids are going to improve the situation. She's getting married at 2pm so they won't miss much other than the actual ceremony and the dancing (happy to stay later if they are settled and not annoying anyone).

Admittedly I hadn't thought the evening part through but I did say this to them. Having said that my brother went to bed at 9pm on my wedding night as his long distance girlfriend was in town and they needed to get some "rest" 😂. I wasnt bothered necessarily I just didn't want any more details than that 😂.

Thank you for your reassurance. I've never taken any of them to a wedding before so I'm just going off of my own imagination of what it would be like.

I voted YABU purely because your sister wants them at the ceremony.

All go for the whole day, husband takes the kids home when they’re ready and you stay. Can you really not budget a taxi next year to stay for your sisters wedding reception.

In my friend group it’s unusual for you to never have had a day away from your children.

Most of my friends and their partners will have had time off by now.

It's not about budget. We live up the north of Scotland and taxis are particularly tricky to come by. I will however be looking into it and as I say, I hadn't really thought that part through 😊.

18 month old twins who will have no idea what’s going on, and no memory of it?

@Cherrytree696 Tell your sister it’s likely the kids will kick off during the ceremony and you don’t want it to ruin it for her, nor miss any of it yourself. Make it all about here. (Something I’m guessing you have to do a lot)

We are just playing with what we have I guess. My mum rarely offers and I don't like to ask.

Tell your sister fine, you will bring them to the ceremony but they will need to be able to move around during it and will probably be noisy.

That’s a very thoughtful and considerate plan. I’m baffled why your family don’t think so.

Although the fact that they haven’t prioritised a room for you in the hotel, shows they don’t have a firm grasp on what’s involved in having kids at an event like this. I’ve booked rooms even when we weren’t staying the night, just to have a base.

Why can’t you all stay in the hotel?!

Small hotel and it's been taken up by the wedding party 😊.

Are you a bit upset you aren’t in the wedding party?

I mean my mum had 3 kids so it must be somewhere in her brain but no I think that she is remembering the good times (rather than the crazy ones).

I was when she told me my brother was and I wasn't but she wanted it to be her friends and our cousin (who is 21 and single) and then she made a really big deal about flower girls and Paige boys being a waste of time so I assumed she didn't actually want them there 🙈.

I would just like to point out that I do not think my mum or sister are bad people. My sister is not a bridezilla, she is just a girl getting married. I am really grateful for everyone's opinions as I couldn't see where my sister was coming from at all and communication wasn't going well. It's been really nice and helpful to read these different opinions 😊.

If the bride wants the 3 little kids at the wedding and reception then she should have prioritised accomodation at the hotel for them. She didn't even bother including her own sister in the wedding party.

Your plan sounds perfect @Cherrytree696 ... but if you take @susiedaisy1912 's plan of running amok ... make sure to fill them full of sugar so they don't crash out too early!

So she's not that family orientated then is she! Unless there's been some massive rift she's bang out of order having your brother and cousin but not you, and then making these demands about your plans. Not saying it would be wise to say it yourself, but someone needs to tell her to take her head out of her arse!

Hmmm I totally get the stress! If you compromise and bring them, are there family
members who can be ‘responsible’ for a particular child, or at least one other family member, so you are not wrangling 2!

if she wants them at the ceremony then I’d bring them. Let them go home with husband after the meal (I think this is non negotiable, they’re not old enough to just sleep on a chair… it not the 80s) and you get a taxi? The money you save on a hotel room will pay for a taxi! Or stay over with a family member and jump in their car? Husband will cope for one night, this isn’t unreasonable and you deserve to enjoy! If he’s nervous could his friend/ family member stay over at your house for moral support? Offer him a night away before the wedding!

The OP already explained the sister thought it would be too much for her to be bridesmaid with 3 little kids.

Sorry I meant each having your own time off, to see friends etc. I know atm you have young babies but unless you’re exclusively breastfeeding, can you try and get a break?

You said you haven’t had a day away since your daughter was born but I realise there probably wasn’t a big gap between pregnancies so no judgment.

I agree with the pp upthread who said that the ceremony is the key part. If your sister is happy for kids to be thee then I'd take them - or at least plan to! You can take a bag of toys and snacks and your and DH can tag team during the ceremony if they need to be taken out or anything.

I mean, it's not going to be the most relaxing of days for you but if it means a lot to your sister to have them there then I'd take them. You can leave in the evening when you feel they have had enough.

Can’t they come a bit earlier so they are there for the wedding but your husband can whip them outside if one or more is disruptive. Then i wouldn’t worry about the evening, take the pushchair for the twins to nap in and I’m sure the older one will love dancing. Mine generally went to sleep under a table when they got tired. Can’t you use your parents room if the kids need an hour to rest/time out?

I do think if you are travelling home after, one of you not drinking is smart, i wouldn’t be wanting to wrangle kids into a taxi, but fine to have them up as late as they manage, it’s lovely to hear of a bride who wants kids at their wedding

It’s been a decade or so since I’ve had an 18 month old but it also occurs to me that a wedding ceremony starting at 2pm has the potential to clash quite spectacularly with afternoon nap time if they’re still having them at that point (which both of mine were)! You’d presumably want to arrive at the latest ten minutes before the ceremony, so leaving your house before 130, getting them ready before this…..if it was me I’d want to avoid the possibility of having to manage not just one but two overtired toddlers at a wedding ceremony, or toddlers who’d just fallen asleep in the car before arriving!

Well I don't think that was a particularly fair thought, given that OP was upset about it (and understandably so). It would have been nicer to ask her.