My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

I feel for your son in this situation. He has a very close friend, and then his sister dates said friend and the relationship will be changed forever.

Actually I’m much more horrified by your post than by anything OP has disclosed.

And there’s no suggestion from OP that that’s the case here, so why over complicate ?

Dramatic, wasn't it 😂

All this talk of betrayal and sneaking around is batshit. She is entitled to her privacy.

That would be valid if she had of kept it private. Yet, it seems it was broadly known as the brother heard it from people outside the family. So, that blows the privacy argument. But like Harry and Meghan’s worldwide privacy tour really ……. When they did that (let everyone else know, just keeping it a secret from him), it played him for a fool. Most people wouldn’t be happy being on the end of that.

1. Scared = really worried about retribution/physical attack.
2. Scared = My brother won't talk to me or his former best friend because we have both deceived him by not being honest from the start. My (DD) relationship with my brother will never be the same again.

I suspect DD and her boyfriend/ the ex best friend of your son, won't easily recover from this. DD and BFxBestie should have been a bit more open.

I feel very sorry for your son to be blind sided by this via "other" mates.

Quite possibly the other friends are the daughter's support network, if she can't rely on her idealistic / controlling family. Understandable they would know first.

Really?

Give your own head a wobble.

🙄

Could you ask your daughter to write a heartfelt letter to her brother telling him how much he means to her., acknowledge his feelings. Maybe suggesting the two of them could do something on a regular basis together when he is ready. Best of luck.

He's also probably feeling a bit left out. We can all feel like that sometimes, no matter how old we are.

I understand why your daughter kept it private. You don’t go telling your brother the moment you start getting a crush on someone, especially when it’s his friend as he would have probably tried to put a hold on it from the beginning. And presumably the relationship evolved naturally. I think they should have kept it completely private until they had told him though. Telling other people would have made a difficult situation worse.

They need a conversation and it sounds like your daughter is likely to be the peacemaker. She needs to own her part and be empathetic to why he is upset. But I would encourage him to hear her out and get him to consider what’s important here. Is the upset worth losing his sister and any sort of relationship with his best friend? Or can he state his boundaries with what he can tolerate I.e. having separate time with his best mate and not hearing any details about their relationship or any expectation to take sides in any drama.

Sounds like a lot of very silly teenage drama. I’d butt out and leave them to it.

Its also a lifeling friendship for the daughter? And could become a lifelong partnership. What on earth is this weird “bros before hos” day at mumsnet. Is the best friend never to have a serious relationship lest the DS in this story suffer another “loss.”

You are all to enmeshed with each other and by your response I can see that’s exactly the atmosphere that you like and support.

She is an adult. BF is an adult. Your son is also an adult.

one, you should stay out of it a lot more, you are too enmeshed in the dating and friendship relationships of your children.

two, your son should stay out of the relationship between her sister and BF.

it doesn’t mean there is no strong bond and love and respect.

WHY the assumption is that their relationship is irrevocably changed? What’s the drama? What has changed exactly? Even if they break up he can still be friends with the BF, your daughter took this risk when she started dating him.

what’s so awful and dramatic happened for your son to be SOOOO upset? He doesn’t own his friend or his sister.

the only explanation for that level of drama would be if the son is gay but otherwise that’s massive overreaction which you are supporting and fanning.

I don't consider it over complicating to think that there may be more complex issues in play here. As a parent I would certainly be considering that possibility and whether that would explain my son's reaction to the situation.

I must admit I'm more likely to be angry with the friend than anyone else in this situation. He's shown himself to be very two faced in his dealings with your family @pilarr if he's happy to lie to his best friend for such a long period whose to say he won't do the same to your daughter?

If both sister and male best friend are not the type to have a revolving door of gfs and bfs , not controlling and are respectful to others, and aren’t the type to be ridiculous if they did break up (making son choose sides or badmouthing each other afterwards), I don’t see the concern.

Yes, BOTH should have told him sooner but I get why they didn’t and wanted to be sure before telling him.

Regardless if they told him from the first instance or before anyone else, I bet he would still be upset.

I agree with a pp it’s a bit icky how territorial some are when it comes to friends and family members. If there was a massive age difference and one or both were like I mentioned above, I’d understand but not if both are pleasant people and you know that they treat those they date well.

Privacy actually includes the right to share information with specific people. Like consent you get to give it or withhold it as you please.

Agree. I think there are two very different sides to this. I can understand DD being wary of telling her brother - not because, as some posters are assuming, that she’s actually scared of him - but because she was aware that she was kind of crossing a line and possibly unsure as to how she would handle it if the situations were reversed. I can also understand her not wanting to say anything until she was sure it was something real, but that being the case, she should have given some thought to his reaction if someone else told him first - they’ve clearly both been indiscreet with others in the friendship group and it was a bit naive to think that it would be any kind of secret unless they had been specific.

On the other hand I can well understand DS’s reaction. He’s been blindsided and is clearly embarrassed that others knew before him - and probably questioning why his sister and his best friend would be open about the relationship with others and not him - given that he’s the one closest to both of them.

It’s also natural for him to worry about how this affects a long standing friendship both now, and beyond the relationship with his DD if it should end. Obviously no-one can know how he would have reacted had either DD or his friend told him themselves (or together) but the anger at being the last to know wouldn’t have been a factor. The sting of that will take time to lessen, as will his ability to get his head around things. As I said upthread he’s dealing with emotions that will be unfamiliar to him because of his youth, so I think he needs to be cut some slack.

!!It was not about whether she thought he would react in a good way or a bad way. That was his decision to make, not hers. She shouldn’t have decided for him that he couldn’t handle it or that he would react badly.

I never knew that she and his whole friend group already knew about it. After my daughter told me, I thought I was the only person who was aware of their relationship.

He should have been the first person she told, regardless of when she decided to take the relationship seriously.

I don’t know whether their relationship will last or end, but I feel like my son’s friendship with his best friend has already changed. My biggest concern is that my son and daughter’s relationship should not be damaged. No matter what happens between them, she is still his sister.

😂

Chilling, really? Horrified?

Get a grip woman.

I don't get this outrage. They're both single adults; they can date whoever they want. Finding a decent person to love, who loves you back, is not easy. Those relationships are not ten a penny and when you find one you should be prepared to fight for it. And the people who love you, like your sibling, should be delighted for you when you find one. He knows personally that both of them are good people and so he should be doubly glad.

Yes, when your friend finds a lover that always affects your relationship with them. They have less time for you, of course. But that applies whoever they love. He'll get to spend more time with his sister and his best friend than if they both fell for other people that he doesn't know.

Hopefully, after a period for reflection, he'll be happy for them both and for himself.

I'm remembering the scene in Friends when Ross discovers that Chandler is dating Monica: initially outrage and then delight

Neither have done anything wtong

yiur son is understandably annoyed because he feels they then him for a fool
s d he’s the last to know

it absolutely fundamentally changes the dynamic of their friendship and this is sad for him

if your dd and this lad breaks up or fights etc it puts your son in a precarious position

of course your dd can date who she wants. But in all likelihood it will be a passing fling / but one that changes your son’s relationship with his best friend.that should be acknowledged and your son has a right to be pissed off as no one considered impacts to him in all this

your dd has a right to date, absolutely but should have let her brother know imo

snd I have a son and daughter of same ages and my son would be the same, as would met daughter if my son started dating her best friend

Aye, ok, but it is also possible for two boys to have a close connection in a friendship, and there being no sexual/romantic attraction. Jumping straight to “he’s probably gay” is the epitome of toxic masculinity. We need to normalise guys being really good friends without them thinking others might question their sexuality.

Why isn’t it the guy’s responsibility to tell his best friend? Why is it all on her?

Your son is 19, I had been working for 3 years at his age. He needs to grow up, because he sounds very immature.