My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

And all those saying son is controlling. It’s chilling? Blah blah/ total bollocks ! Total
over reaction to normal emotions

Why should she have told him first? Maybe she is less happy with his 'protection' than you realise. Why did you want exclusive rights on the 'secret'?

The only family I knew to use this kind of 'no matter what' language about brother and sister is also one where the brother secrely mildly sexually abused the sister as an extension of control and bonding. The sister is now low contact/no contact with a lot of the family.

Please, as a parent, think of some positive reasons why friends might have supported your daughter and why she might not have felt able to confide. I am not saying he is abusing her (though not speaking is abusive emotionally). But she said she felt scared. Take it seriously. Find some mentor figures for him and no man of house expectations laid on him.

He has a right to be annoyed about being the last to know, but has no right whatsoever to be so controlling. Trying to dictate who his sister and best friend can date is concerning. He is slipping into the behaviour of treating them as if they belong to him, which they of course, don't. It's all well and good to say he's 'protective' over her, but there is fine line between being protective and being controlling; your son is falling into the latter.

I would have a chat with him to communicate this. It is also very telling that she was scared to tell him. He needs talking to, without excusing his behaviour.

@BoredZelda why not put the responsibility onto her ? Just his she’s a female that absolves her?

I absolutely would expect a sibling or family member to speak to me above a friend

Agree with this. The best friend, if they really are friends, should have told him day 1. That said, the son is over reacting and needs to get over himself. As, to be frank, I'm sure he will do before too long.

This.

Your son sounds very controlling - you don't get to tell your siblings or your friends who they can date.

Im sure that every single person here has been unhappy about who their children / siblings / friends are dating . But part of being an adult is learning to keep your mouth shut in these situations, unless someone is at risk.

fuck being 'the peacemaker'. the girl is being ill treated by family because she is in love with someone they all know and like.

a counsellor can do peacemaking. someone trained, and grown up.

gendered socialisation will just mean daughter ends up being adultified and appeasing an unreasonable male.

Yes, close male friendship should be normalised. But so should the possibility that a boy might be gay or bisexual.

The toxic assumption here isn’t only “two boys are close, so they must be gay.” It’s also “being seen as gay is something boys need protecting from.”

That’s heteronormativity. It treats straightness as the default and queerness as an accusation. We can defend male friendship without framing gayness as the worst possible misunderstanding.

So you wouldn’t expect your best friend to tell you? You think it’s fine that a best friend is in a relationship they don’t tell you about?

I think this clarifies pretty much how he’s feeling OP. It must really sting to know that pretty much everyone in your friendship group except you, know your sister and best friend are dating. I think that’s possibly what’s been the main driver behind his reaction and it will take a bit of time to get over it. I do think it was a bit naive of both DD and BF to be indiscreet about their relationship to everyone except the one person closest to them both, but then that’s youth for you.

I can understand things from both sides, and I think all three of them are trying to navigate their way around the situation without the maturity of years to properly understand the emotions of others as well as their own - not least for your DS who will not only be angry at the way it came out, but will have concerns as to what happens to a long standing friendship should DD’s relationship with his friend end.

As a mum I can well understand your concerns and I have no advice other than to maybe give them the space to let the dust settle and see where DS is at once the initial hurt has lessened. At some point he may be ready to accept an apology from both DD and BF, not for the relationship itself, but for the lack of respect they showed for him as their brother and best friend respectively.

Maybe the best friend had the the best idea why NOT to tell someone who can keep up silent treatment for a month because ego

Because when it inevitably explodes, you end up getting caught in the crossfire.

DPs sister met my cousin at DD's christening. Initially I was happy for them, but then DP started hearing about their arguments, and then when they split up 2 years later it all got very awkward.

And thats with an extra degree of seperation in there, the connection went cousin->me>DP>DP's sister.

It's going to be even worse for this guy, because he's the only one caught in the middle Sister>OPs son>Best friend

When this goes tits up (and it will, because they're 18), thats likely his friendship or his relationship with his sister ruined, through no fault of his. One of the people he loves is likely going to hurt the other one a lot, because that's how 90% of relationships go.

Preemptively destroying his relationship with both of them probably isn't the best idea, but I can see why he's incredibly angry, even without the added offence of them keeping him out of the loop while telling absolutely everybody else.

Sorry, OP, YABU. You need to have strong words with your son, tell him to grow up and wind his neck in. It's nothing to do with him who either his sister, or his friend decide to date. And as for feeling protective of her, if he did he would be pleased that she is dating someone he knows will treat her well. He simply sounds jealous.
I have no idea why you are encouraging all this drama.

One of my best friends eloped and didn't tell me, or anyone but the 2 marriage witnesses, till afterwards. She had good reasons and I trusted her.

I think that if the sexes were reversed then the son would have received more sympathy.

Your dd isn’t doing anything wrong by dating his best friend. Her brother is very reasonable to be angry that he found out from others rather than his sister or friend. They would have spent lots of time with him and been lying by omission. As hard as the conversation would have been, he should have heard from him.

Of course it’s change the friendship. For example if he comes round, does he hang out with his best friend or girl friend? How should he split his free time between the two? The best friend and your son should have sat down and talked because some of the awkward stuff is awkward because it’s unsaid. The silent treatment helps nobody.

Surely he'd prefer her to date his really good friend rather than a random who could be a wrong un

It does not inevitably explode. Sometimes the daughter runs away and marries or shacks up early with a first love or any (un)suitable candidate. To get out of the family home.

The son did not have a fit of temper or ask for a conversation or grieve. He is using silent treatment and keeping it up for a long time. It is concerning that he can do this and not soften when he sees his sister's and friend's happiness.

Son sounds well on the way to being a wrong un. I hope the OP steps up.

This was really in response to someone who thinks the responsibility is entirely on the sister for keeping it a secret and not the best friend, so different situations.

They're young, loads can happen - either they'll stay together forever or break up - you'll all have to cope whichever happens.

If I was you, I would let them get on with it and tell them all that's what you're doing. Sometimes you have to let time pass a bit to give everyone time to put things into perspective, but the key thing for you is to say less. Words can come back to bite.

No that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that if it were my best friend and they've decided that it's serious and start telling people, then I'd expect my sibling to tell me because me personally, it would mean more coming from them.

Like I said, that's how I personally feel and that's why I said that I thought it she should have told him. It wasn't in a misogonistic way where I think it's always on the woman, it's for me personally I'd want my sibling to tell me.

Thanks for clarifying 🌹

Again, she knew this was going to hurt him. That is the only reason she never told him. Or maybe, from his perspective, he feels like he was not that important to her or his best friend, because she told her whole friend group but not him.

Of course, it is her life, and she can decide whatever she wants. But now she also should not expect the same old treatment from him or expect him to behave like nothing has changed.

What I can see is that, at least to him, they were both very important people. She is his sister, and she started dating his “best friend.” Nobody calls someone their best friend without having a very close relationship. That is why he feels he should have been the first person to know.

Anyway, if that is the truth, then my son learned this the hard way and sooner than he expected. I’m only saying this based on the same logic you are using.

She didn’t tell him because she was scared of him. She clearly said she was scared of him getting hurt and that their relationship might be damaged, and unfortunately, that is exactly what happened.

No, he is not abusive, physically or emotionally. I know my son better than you do. Keep your assumptions about him for your own situation.

Friends will support their friends, and I don’t think their support makes my son a bad person.

It has been months since he stopped talking to them, and honestly, he is doing okay. It is my daughter who got hurt and is crying now, and as a mother, that breaks my heart.

This. Or is he gay and loved the friend as more than a friend?

Otherwise his extreme reaction makes no sense.

There was a thread on here where the op was seeing her sister's ex-DH. She got a lot of flak for breaking the code. Interesting that the son is getting a bit of stick for being bothered by his sister seeing his best mate.

Very much depends on the person. I know lads that couldn't have cared less and lads that would have reacted similarly. Unfortunately, it could depend on how much shit his mates have given him about his sister shagging his mate and how he found out. Misogynistic but true.