My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

It doesn't need to have been romantic to explain his hurt feelings and it's a bit weird to speculate along those lines.

It's very common for people to feel irrationally sidelined, even akin to being dumped, when their platonic best friend gets a boyfriend or girlfriend. And there aren't any obvious outlets to express that in the way that there are when you get romantically dumped.

I think his reaction is a bit over the top, but he is quite young still. I remember when I was in my 20’s one of my best friends had a big crush on my younger brother and I found it really uncomfortable.

I don’t think anyone would be overjoyed at the thought of their best friend sleeping with their sibling, it can massively change the dynamics of the friendship, for example, I have a very nothing is TMI relationship with my friends. We talk about everything, but the last thing I would want to hear are conversations about my brother and friend’s sex life or their relationship issues etc.

If they fall out or end on bad terms it can put him in an awkward position as well.

It's not weird at all and actually it's naive not to consider that possibility.

Bi sexual teenagers exist too!

Leave them to sort it out.

Agree.

No, the weird bit is assuming that one teenage boy having strong feelings about his friendship with another teenage boy must be gay, when nothing along those lines was indicated by the OP.

Of course it's possible. But it's not unusual for heterosexual teenagers to have strong platonic feelings for each other, and leaping to "they must be gay" feels a bit narrow-minded.

You’re saying that as if nice teen guys who you trust, find attractive and who are respectful grow on trees. Believe me they don’t.

I get the exes scenario but you shouldn’t be gate keeping your friends and your siblings. As long as neither of them drag the brother into taking sides if they have arguments or share TMI I think it’s rather icky for him to police his sister’s relationships.

If they both like each other they’re likely to treat each other well so there shouldn’t be any fall outs even if they break up. The brother is the only one making it awkward.

Massive mountain out of a molehill. Sounds like a great situation to me! Apart from the son being weird about it all.

What the fuck??

So she was dating him for two months, told you they were very serious about each other, then a whole month later your son found out from someone else in their friend group.. and then she fobbed him off with I thought you might respond badly so I didn't tell you?! How utterly insulting.

Your daughter and his best friend have been lying to your son for three months..
How else was he supposed to respond to that? They never gave him the chance to give his blessing, so it's too late to play that card, and to add insult to injury they told everyone else that knows them including you who all kept it secret!

They have both behaved appallingly, a few weeks maybe while they got to know if their feelings were legit and if they wanted to pursue something, but three months of 'dating' is a complete piss take.

This feels like a storm in a tea cup. I can understand why your son is a little bit upset, he feels lied to and is probably worried/jealous about what this means for his relationship with his friend. But ultimately he needs to get over it.

I'd tell him you understand his feelings but he needs to realise that he can't control who his sister, or his friend, dates . Don't feed the drama but let him know that sulking won't change anything. Once he gets over it a bit, point out that (providing they stay together long term) this could mean a lifetime of family events with his best mate! That's much better than making awkward polite conversation with someone he doesn't like over the Christmas turkey

I agree with this.

I don't think it is possessive or controlling to expect two people who you are supposed to be close with not to sneak around behind your back and tell seemingly everyone else but you that they are together, not just for weeks but for months.

Hopefully you are not raising your kids without losing the bond and love between them, because you sound like that kind of mother, or someone who is going to be.

No, I think my son’s reaction is completely understandable. Imagine how you would feel if the most important people in your life kept an important secret from you while everyone else already knew. His best friend was acting normal and lying to him for months, so I understand why he feels hurt. I think that friendship is already damaged, and I’m not expecting them to go back to normal anytime soon.

For my daughter, she can date anyone she wants, but she should have told him. That was her mistake. Regardless of whether they end up together or not, my son’s friendship with his best friend has changed, and that part was in my daughter’s hands.

Moreover, he is not trying to control her. Her boyfriend is not some stranger he is his best friend. That is exactly why it hurts so much.

Do you keep important secrets from your family? If yes, then I can understand where you are coming from.

All this talk of betrayal and sneaking around is batshit.

She is entitled to her privacy.
She is rightly scared of her controlling brother whose feelings are clearly more important than hers in the family.

No wonder so many women are victims of coercive control and abuse, when they are reared in familys where the men of the house and their feelings, come paramount to everything.

Poor girl.

No he hasn’t. Gosh some of these responses are so dramatic.

His sister is still his sister. She isn’t his ex girlfriend so she hasn’t betrayed him. I get why she wouldn’t tell him if it turned out to just be a fling. Same for the friend. He’s still his friend whether or not he’s dating his sister.

It’s an important part of life negotiating relationships and family relationships. You’re going to have bumps along the road and you have to learn to resolve them. It’s fine for the brother to say he feels hurt and communicate that but would be crazy to end either relationship because of it.

I do think if it was a woman who was upset that her best friend was dating her brother, people would be more sympathetic to her upset.

Of course he is upset. His best friend and sister getting together has changed the dynamic of the relationship between the three of them and he's had no say in that. And no, I'm not saying he should have a say on whether they date but he has a right to be upset about a change in dynamic between them. He has effectively become the third wheel when previously they were a close group of 3.

He has a right to his feelings and although they get to decide who they date, they don't get to decide how he feels about it.

He doesn't have to be happy about it and they don't get to decide that the relationship with him should be the same as it was before.

As a teen or young adult I would have been upset if my best friend and brother got together. I think it's probably different when older and you have your own lives and houses etc

Edited to add, never mind the two closest people to him lying to him for months. I really feel for the lad and unlike others on here don't think he comes across as a controlling psycho!

Yes, she wrote "scared", who said she didn't?

No need for you to making up a whole scenario that has nothing to do with what she actually wrote?

But he reacted in exactly the way she anticipated, so clearly she had good reason to fear telling him. I think DS is the one changing the dynamic of the relationship by his reaction - and as an aside I met my first husband when we were both pretty much the same age as OP’s kids and had forty happy years together until he passed away. It does happen.

How sad for your son. That could have potentially been a lifelong, childhood friendship and there is no doubt that it has been ruined. Friendships like that are incredibly important and see us through life and everything it throws at us.
I am assuming he lost his father too?

Yes, it is up to your daughter who she dates but I would be disappointed in both her and the best friend tbh.
Support your son @pilarr after all, your dd and her new boyfriend have each other.

She didn't tell him as she knew he would freak out and he did. Do you think he would have reacted better after her first kiss with him. they are non related opposite sex people who spend a good chuck of time together its not surprising. unless he cheats or she does or the relationship ends horrible there is no reason for it to have any impact on your son.

He’s 18. He’s grappling with feelings his youth can’t quite handle. It wasn’t an ideal reaction but I don’t think it means he’s controlling.

This sounds like an Amazon Prime YA adaptation. I’d be telling my son he needs to get some perspective and understand he cannot control how other people feel about each other. Ideally, I think his friend should have told him how he felt about his sister but this needs to be one of those learning curves that in 10 years they’ll be embarrassed about for behaving so juvenile and causing unnecessary drama.

What a load of rubbish. For a start they may very well not break up. Plenty of couples that age don’t and for another it’s not for the daughter to concern herself with any potential girlfriend her brother may have. The daughter has done nothing wrong.

He needs to get over it, romance between a best friend and a sibling happens quite often - and most of the time it is kept quiet at the beginning.
Your DD didn’t do anything wrong, she doesn’t have to tell her brother before she is ready to.

Agree. Your poor son. He is also probably aware that if and when the relationship ends, if he had just accepted the relationship, he could be expected to take a side. His friendship group, ie his friend and sister, has a completely changed dynamic now so this romantic relationship really impacts him. They and you behaved appallingly keeping it ‘secret’ from him - how humiliating.

Calling someone’s opinions shared in good faith ‘a load of rubbish’ is a bit too far.