My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

“She should have told him.”

So many posters saying this, putting all the blame on the sister when the best friend was equally responsible for telling him and equally complicit in keeping the secret.

Yep absolutely. My best friend dated my stepbrother for a couple of years when we were early 20’s. Ended amicably - no real issues until he met his now wife who hated my friend being around as she was so close to the family, led to lots of awkwardness when planning big birthdays, my wedding etc. Adults can date whoever they want but it can get a bit messy when it’s so close, perhaps DS knows his friend doesn’t have the best form when it comes to girls or he is worried about having to take sides if / when they split.

You can’t fix it.

Tell him it’s way better to have a best friend who becomes your possible future brother in law because that way they become family. That his nieces and nephews could literally be his best mates kids. But not if he puts strain on their relationship and loses both.

Then leave him to it. She didn’t do anything wrong. She was as much his best friends friend as he was it seems. He’s being immature.

You have answered your own question.

Your DS needs to stop acting like a brat and grow up. He doesn’t own his friend or his sister.

Why did they keep it from him? Oh right because teenagers are known to hate the drama of a secret romance etc. Why so many posts on this thread? Because we don't grow out of it.

Yes. It’s a shame he’s lost his best friend

Personally, I'd put it on my siblings to tell me rather than friends. Coming from a sibling feels far more important.

But it’s his best friend who’s like a brother to him and like a son to his mum. They’re equally responsible for telling him, though neither needs his permission.

The OP has already answered this.

"He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did."

You can’t fix it, but you can tell DS he’s behaving in a controlling and inappropriate way.

And a childish way with his silent punishment.

I get that it’s difficult but they are both under your roof so don’t allow this to fester any longer . Sit both of them down together & explain firmly that yes she should have told him they were dating & that u understand that the secrecy feels like a betrayal . However also explain that she is now an adult & she does not need his permission to date his friend . I would also mention what would his father would think of how he’s treating his sister ? Quite frankly it’s absolutely none of his business who she dates , she does not need to quantify to anyone her relationship status .

I'd still personally expect my siblings to tell me. He's 'like' a brother but he isn't actually. I had close relationships similar to this as a child and they were like my brothers but they weren't actually.

@pilarr this is a giant red flag that all is not as you might wish between the young people, and has not been for quite some time; and that your son needs counselling or help.

I was wondering this and whether there was a bit more to their friendship than the OP knows. Perhaps this wasn't the first relationship this best friend had with a family member. Wouldn't be the first time a situation like this has happened and would definitely explain the reactions. It's possible the daughter could be as much in the dark as the son was.

Stay well out of it, your DD has massively betrayed her brother. Best thing to do is keep out of it and hope he doesn't do anything really stupid in his grief.

Well this is the thing, he probably is. Not necessarily in the romantic way but we do love our friends deeply and platonically. But there isn't a socially acceptable outlet or way of expressing the sadness we feel when that friendship changes (and even less so for teenage boys).

Exactly. Two of the closest people he trusts have snuck around behind his back for 2 months. That's one heck of a blow to trust and a blowing up of his life. What happens when she wants her bf to stay over?

Why couldn't it be romantic and possibly have been reciprocated? Would explain a lot.

Haven't read the whole thread and someone may have already said it but are you sure the best friend is just your son's friend? And is he happy with just friendship?

OP, I am horrified by what you have written.

Who your daughter dates is her business.
So what if she didn't want to share her business with her brother, or you for that matter.
She is allowed her privacy.

Sounds like you have a really scary controlling son, whom you are and have indulged to such an extent he seriously thinks he rules the house.🙄

Them falling out is the least of your worries.

As a mother you need to give your head a real wobble encouraging/indulging your son to be a controlling arsehole.

I hope your daughter has other support in her life as she is not getting it at home.

Your son needs to be told to get over himself, cop on, grow the hell up.

Her fear of telling him because of his reaction is chilling.
She was completely right to be afraid.

He is not the boss of his sister, house and best friend.

If I was the best friends mother I would be telling him to back so far away from you lot as a family and to cut that unhealthy friendship off.

Your son has the makings of a very unhealthy young man who thinks the whole world revolves around him and beware anyone who doesn't do as he expects.

So unhealthy.

It's such a circular argument to say you lied to someone because you were worried about their reaction, when their reaction is heightened precisely because they've been lied to.

It sounds like they have had a lovely close friendship for 10 years, and as soon as two of them have coupled up, they have kept it secret from him, but not from all their mutual friends, so it has inevitably come out in the worst possible way.

How much of his reaction is because of the relationship and how much because of the lies?

Lol no she hasn't.

She was scared he was going to react in exactly the way he did.

That's on him, not her.

It's like that Friends episode when Ross finds out Monica is dating Chandler! Hopefully they will get over this and realise there are so many positive about this new relationship. Hopefully everyone can still be friends if it doesn't work out.