My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

Well, the daughter was also friends with the boy before falling in love. Male/female friendships are real and can last. If they split up, does she also lose her friend or will the family help them be friends again?

How can someone "not get involved" and why should they?

While it isn't ideal they kept it from your son, I can understand why they did. However he is the one who is making things 'not the same' by not speaking to either of them! That makes no sense if that was his concern. He doesn't get to tell either of them who to date. I am not really sure what the problem is.

Ok you find out your best friend is dating your brother from someone else...how do you feel

Is there a particular reason why the first thing you asked was whether your son knew. It's comes across as quite disapproving and that yours sons feelings are more important to you than your daughters.

It's obviously not the easiest things to navigate but your daughter deserves equal support from you

Just give your son time. He is overreacting but having that kind of secret kept from him has probably made him feel foolish and betrayed and the people who would normally confide in are the people who did it. He probably wonders if his best friend was actually his friend or just coming over to see his sister. It's understandable that this would shake the friendship and that he'd be unhappy.

I'd personally feel embarrassed that I was so unapproachable.

They clearly couldn't be bothered with his histrionics, so probably wanted to do without it for as long as possible.

Why do you and your dd feel you have to tiptoe around your son’s feelings? Whilst I can get he might feel a bit awkward about his friend and sister dating he doesn’t get any say in it and shouldn’t be punishing them for it.
you need to speak to your son and tell him to grow up he’s behaving like a child.

I think that friendship is dead in the water. Basically, as a best friend, he pretended he wasn’t dating the sister (by omission), everyone else knew, so he was basically complicit in making a fool of his best friend. That’s not a friend and I don’t think that can ever be overcome, the best to hope for is avoidance/civility.

OP, I’d stay well out of it. Accept the boys friendship is cooked. Accept your son hasn’t appreciated being made a fool of by his sister and that’s going to take some time. At 18/19yo, it’s extremely unlikely that this relationship is going to last, so it’s a shame it’s resulted in the fallout it has, but that was their choice when they let everyone else become aware and hid it from your son. It might take a few years after that for bygones to be bygones but that level of trust will never be there.

I think you have to accept that the relationship between your son and daughter has irrevocably changed now. He has learnt that she can keep important secrets from him. That will now stick with him for a very long time and will now probably lead him to keep secrets from all of you.

I have a lot of sympathy for him tbh. She's now changed the dynamics of a very important friendship for him that probably won't survive this now. He will feel as though she's taken something special from him, rightly or wrongly. I suspect there will be a lot of resentment there.

People can argue that he should just get over it but that's not realistic in this situation. It's clearly been extremely upsetting to him and minimising it will probably deepen his feelings on this.

Long term, her relationship probably won't survive such deep resentment but if it does don't expect your family dynamics to ever be the same. It will also be at the expense of her brother.

Difficult situation that will cast a long shadow.

Maybe OP has rose coloured spectacles about the three young friends, and sister and bf became closer partly because brother is unreasonable. Maybe brother needs grief counselling and help since the loss of his dad. And has shown maladaptive coping mechanisms that OP glosses over as 'protective'.

I know what it is like to have an adult's idealised view forced onto very imperfect childhood situations.

Why did they keep it from him though? They must have known that he would react badly, so put it off until it was too late.

The fact they knew he would be so difficult about it is telling, and implies he's not an easy person to be around at the best of times.

Wasn’t this a major storyline on Bridgerton?

But better off out of a friendship where one half thinks they can control the other.

The sister can't change who her brother is, but her boyfriend can at least change who he's friend's with.

Personally I have read too many novels, and would feel thrilled that a Secret Romance had been Developing, and drive them both away by celebrating in an excessively frilly fashion.

More seriously, I would be glad that 2 people I loved were strengthening our bonds by loving each other.

Do you not CHOOSE to get involved with someone or not? Perhaps life just carries you along and you're a victim of this, but personally, I steer my life and make choices about who I date or do not (or I did when I was single anyway).

My brother is married to his best friend’s sister 😂 it’s life

I can see both sides. She should have told him. And if they split she will put him in a very difficult position, and will change his relationship with his lifelong best friend. She's massively impacted his life and he's found out by other people. That's a big deal. And he has a right to be upset about that.

At the same time. He doesn't own either of them. They have a right to their feelings and they have their own friendship as well as his, it's not like she didn't really know him before getting together, they have also built a relationship independently of his.

Essentially he has to find a way to accept it and you should help him with that. If they stay together and he maintains these relationships they will have something very special in their adult years. This could be a very strong family group that people dream for their kids to have together.

Your daughter needs to understand that if they split, no matter what happens, if he cheats on her, under no circumstances should she expect that to change her brother's friendship with him.

Honestly I wouldn’t care? But then I’m not a testosterone fueled teenage boy.

Brideshead Revisited managed it more gracefully. The Mill on the Floss is a warning.

The boy is also her lifelong friend and she is taking the bigger risk.

Sorry but your son is completely overreacting. He needs to grow up. She's his sister not his possession. He's acting like a jealous boyfriend. Yes she should have told him straight away, but they don't need his permission. If he's wants to be the big brother that she can turn to for support, he needs to stop being such an arsehole.

Nope. The best friend should have told the brother. That’s the relationship he is worried about. She has done nothing wrong.

@pilarr you can’t do anything about it, they need to work it out between themselves. Just don’t take sides and be there for anyone if there is any fall out.

I understand your son’s feelings about the situation but it’s been a whole month now. I think you need to have a conversation with him to help him process his feelings and “forgive” his sister. If it carries on then it’s quite an extreme reaction.

Maybe your son is in love with his friend too. He sounds a bit dramatic about the whole thing.