My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

But what exactly is the issue? It’s not like there’s been a previous sexual relationship between the sibling and his best friend. It’s completely different situation to dating your sibling’s ex.

Your son is the problem one here unfortunately. Anything more than a reaction of “that’s great! But please just don’t expect me to not be his friend anymore if you break up” is overkill.

Someone I know started dating her best friends brother a few years back. Her friend was thrilled and firmly in the “I’m so happy my best friend gets to become one of the family” camp. They now all go on holidays together with the friends partner too and have great fun.

The OP said 'scared'.

There's no point in trying to change her words to suit your own argument.

Unless he fancies him himself I don´t get his reaction. He is putting plaster when there isn´t a would yet (what if they break-up). I believe your son will be a nightmare as a partner, all that sulking and stonewalling.

This kind of 'protection' is part of the harm!

I agree with this.

She doesn’t know how her brother would have reacted if she’d told him at the time and he didn’t have to find out from others. The 3 of you have collided in a secret and it could very well be this that’s making him upset rather than the actual relationship.

I also understand why it’s perhaps mot ideal. If (when) they split, it will be horribly awkward for your son.

It’s a mess that hasn’t been dealt with well by your daughter, the best friend or you.

Yes, I did wonder if son was in love with bf.

Yes so did I.

But its not in his gift to decide who she gets to date. She doesn’t have to protect his friendship or prioritize his future gf’s interests over her own.

Its her personal business who she dates—this bf is as much her childhood friend as he is her brother’s.

He is not her father or the man of the house. Its creepy how territorial he is being and how many mumsnetters encourage it.

The issue is the betrayal, the sneaking around behind his back for two months, the humiliation of him being the last one to find out and that the two people doing that were his best mate and his sister! How can you not see that? Oh yes, this is MN where women and girls can do whatever they want and men and boys are always in the wrong.

Maybe the daughter had a better idea of the son's propensity to anger and was putting off dealing with the inevitable tantrum so she could have a peaceful start to her young romance.

Anything except "welcome to the clan, now we all love each other in different but appropriate ways" is horrid and medieval.

No idea how to vote as you haven’t made it clear but your son is massively unreasonable to object to them dating, he doesn’t have ownership over his friend and no one has betrayed him.

”She should have told him before anything happened” what?! Why? She doesn’t need permission and nor does the friend. Your son has no rights over either of them.

I can understand him being upset about being the last to know but that’s something he needs to move on from rather than let it ruin his important relationships.

Agreed.

Especially if they think it gives them the right to tell their sister who she can/cannot date.

I had a similar thing but I was dating my friends brother at 16 (rather than brothers friend). I couldn’t see it at the time as I was in love but my friend felt really awkward about it especially when I stayed over. I’d gone from being her friend to his girlfriend and it changed the dynamics when I was round at their house.

As an adult, I can now see it was tricky for her especially as their home life wasn’t great either. We split up a couple of years later and I’m still friends with my friend so it didn’t make anything awkward but could see how it could.

your son probably tells his friend things about his life and he might now worry it will get back to his sister. Likewise yhe friend can’t really talk about his relationship and any issues they have as that’s your sons sister and he can’t be on one side over another.

I understand your son and daughters perspective and I don’t think it’s fair on previous commentators to totally disregard your sons feelings in this

Why should she have confided in a controlling person before anyone else?

Does she have friends and mentors of her own or is this all happening in an isolated castle?

A close friends husband was her brothers best friend, almost identical circumstances here in how he reacted. They’d been friends since nursery and were in each others houses every day.

ultimately he did come to accept it, my friend and her brother are close again and that didn’t take long, there’s no lingering grudge between them. He was best man at their wedding.

but the husband was not best man at the brothers wedding later on, they never socialise outside of family events, they’re friendly / cordial but not close. They still have the same interests and hobbies but do them apart. They still have some shared friends but tend to not see them as a group.

i don’t think it was so much the fact they were together, he didn’t like it but would (and did) get past that, but it was the fact everyone knew except him, for months, his trust in his mate was ruined completely. He felt really stupid when it came out and being very young felt like everyone was laughing behind his back (the sisters friends certainly weren’t, I don’t know about the lad friends). I don’t think it helped that all his family were telling him he was an idiot to have an opinion so he wasn’t really allowed to feel his feelings without being shot down. They may have naturally drifted anyway, their life events like having children happened at completely different times. But it was a shame.

My sister dated my brothers best friend back when we were in secondary school, it's been 20 years now and they are married and have children together.

My brother never kicked off, I know it was difficult for him but they obviously fell in love and these things happen.

The only thing I think your daughters done wrong is not telling him. It's one thing if only they knew but it does seem like an awful lot of people knew and he probably feels really silly.

I meant what is the issue with dating your sibling’s best friend? Of course the sneaking around was not ideal, but have said that you think that dating your sibling’s best friend is unacceptable full stop. You have not explained why you think that.

I don’t understand why your son is being castigated here. It changes everything for him poor lad.

yes she can date who she likes but does it have to be his best friend? Grim for everyone.

Your ds should be hapoty sister us dating a guy that he loves and respects as his best friend.
Leave them to grow up.
Tell dd to carry on and if they stay together son will get over it

Do you co-parent with anyone, OP? Are there fair-minded mentors or father figures in your son's life who could have a word about boundaries and freedom and change?

Your daughter has done nothing wrong at all. It's not great that your son had to hear about this from other people but it's understandable that she wanted to wait to see how serious it was.

Your son's feelings are understandable. When your best friend gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I think most people get in their feelings, because the dynamic does change. You're no longer their number one go-to to hang out, you'll see them less, you'll worry that you're no longer a priority in their lives. Ideally, when people couple up, they still make time for their single friends, but in many cases these worries are justified. All this must be exacerbated if the best friend's new girl/boyfriend is your own sibling.

Your son's reaction is verging on unreasonable. The feelings might be normal and understandable but they're also quite immature. Ultimately he doesn't get a say in who his friend or his sister date. It's been a month. That's enough time to wallow in his feelings and now he needs to get over it.

OP, you should point out that if he fears the dynamic changing, something that is in his control is how he reacts to it. If he sulks and pushes away his sister and his best friend then yes, they will distance themselves from him. Alternatively if he accepts the new reality and works with it then he's likely to end up with stronger relationships with both of them, whether they last or not.

What about the best friend? Why is it only the sister taking the blame in your eyes? Surely the best friend is equally as “wrong”?

Because no sibling has rights over another sibling's love life and there has been creepy language suggesting he controls his sister as a way of coping with the tragic loss of his dad.

Bereavement counselling might help? 5 years is fresh when it is death of a parent.

I'm with DS. Of all the boys/girls in the World, why pick this one. Its weird.