My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

I agree, but the poster went for a juvenile response and tried to twist his valid reasons into something else. Making out he must be gay because he's upset by this.

You would have intervened……
Dont involve yourself in their dispute. You can hold your own opinions but not put yourself in the middle or allow anyone else to draw you into that role.
Much as it’s upsetting for you to have your children not speaking you need to give them time to navigate their way through this. It may take months, maybe longer.

I only have sisters, so I was never in this situation. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me as a teen, but that’s me saying this as an adult looking back. I know many brother/sister siblings it would bother. Everyone is different.

Haha not in my area. People meet locally irl.

Misandry at it's peak!! Sorry

Well, it is possible.
He is overreacting because

1. He also fancies the bf
2. He imagines he is a 1950s dad to his own sister

The first is a better scenario. He might move on to meet a man of his own. The second is not so hopeful.

Do you even like your daughter, your sons behaviour as abhorrent and all you can do is attack her and take his side. Is this how it normally works? He’s the golden child and she’s the whipping boy?

He has fallen out with his sister. He doesn’t want to speak to her. And it’s difficult because they live in the same house and have nowhere else to retreat to.

When people fall out with each other, not speaking is generally what happens. I can imagine how uncomfortable and upsetting it is for the OP.

But the silent treatment is an entirely different ballgame.

Also haven’t seen the OP attack her daughter in any way.

What ever happened to inviting the new young couple to a nice meal out or at home, since they became official?

Whilst it is understandable that it was a shock to yoir son and that he needed time to process the relationship, you need to sit down and tell him that he needs to get over it now.
He doesn't own his friend or his sister
There is scope and potential for the friend to be a closer part of the family in future if your son doesn't spoil it for them.

I guess to balance your misogyny to your own child.

and I do think this is the dynamic in your home. Your eldest son is the favourite and uour daughter always the one not good enough,

Is this meant for me?

No sorry I meant to quote the ops comment on misandry..

I mean she could go on an app and the app could suggest him to her as a match in the local area, sure. Better?

Oh you're that person.

No point everyone.

BTW my brother was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my mum still doesn't acknowledge it. Months of silent treatment does look abusive. And him wanting a say in his sister's and BF's private lives looks controlling. Your energy should go to addressing his incapability of dealing with bumps in his road. Not blaming your poor daughter for having feelings.

And if they break up, or cheat, or fall out, you help everyone navigate those bumps. We're raising effective, resilient adults. Not lawnmower parenting for babies.

Thanks. I agree there is a golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

OP, I'd get your thread deleted if I were you.
Some people on here are just determined to make this into something that it's not and are relishing the chance to bash your son for nothing.

I don't see this.

It's hard to understand why you think your dd has done something wrong here? It would have been kinder to tell her brother, sure, but it's hardly the crime of the century.

It sounds a bit like you think she's doing something wrong in dating the friend? Can you say why?

I think posters are picking up on the fact that your ds seems to be by far the more unreasonable one, but that you seem to be on his side? His feelings matter, but they aren't reality and they shouldn't control what other people can or can't do.

I agree with @4keyhouse ( the person your response is to). Instead of indulging him you could have acknowledged his feelings as valid re the shock, then stressed that they are not having an affair (as he seems to have framed it in his mind). Tell him that girl’s dating their brother’s best friend is not taboo, illegal, immoral or unacceptable. He’s still giving them the silent treatment when he could have at least tried to reconcile himself with it by now. If they got married would he be dragging this out forever? Refuse to go to the wedding? Refuse to be an uncle? Refuse to be at family gatherings or have a face on him when he’s fifty?

He’s going to have to choose to try and reconcile with it or forever have a rift.

This is exactly what I felt while reading many comments here. Do these people even understand that boys and men have feelings too? Do they acknowledge that their feelings matter as well?

Literally, my son has been called “gay,” “abusive,” “misogynistic,” and everything else here. I’m not going to let him down.

Clearly, he is the person who was hurt in this situation. My daughter made choices, and choices have consequences.

I love her. All three of my children are my golden children. I have not said a single bad word to her. Even though I know she made a mistake, I don’t want her to feel guilty for loving someone. But hiding it and not being honest with her brother was a mistake.

She is okay. At home, I am not taking anyone’s side. In fact, I am probably softer toward my daughter because she is the one who is crying now, but that does not mean my son should suffer or that his feelings don’t matter.

Is there a Latin American or Spanish or cultural Catholic angle to all this? Are men supposed to be macho? And women to stay 'pure'? That would explain a lot

You could ask both of your children how they want things to ideally be in a month/ at Christmas/ whatever between then and encourage them to make plans to see that happens. There’s no use in being hurt forever. What is the future?

blimey it’s clear who is the golden child in this family!

I sympathise with your son, although can't go around banning consenting adults from having a relationship.

Do people really not understand what this means for him??

This best friend is probably the person he feels most comfortable being vulnerable around. He might have told him sensitive things about himself that he wouldn't tell his family, and although the best friend has been involved with the family for some time, for the son, he is still part of the outside world outside his immediate family, which is nice to have. He was 'his person', platonically.

Now that he's dating his sister, his best friend's priority will change. I'm sure the son would have accepted that his friend was going to meet someone one day, but it's different if that woman is his sister, his own family unit. I could totally sympathise if the son no longer feels like he can divulge highly sensitive things for fear that they will eventually end up being told to his sister, and perhaps then the rest of the family. In effect, he's sort of lost his best friend. Maybe they can still be friends, but I can understand why he feels like they can't be as close any more.

For the record OP, some people would describe me as a feminist who doesn't suffer fools or shitty behaviour gladly, and I occasionally go to the Women's Rights forum on here, but I don't really see male privilege or toxic masculinity here. I could see two teenage girls having this type of argument as well where one tries to 'ban' the other from dating so & so.

Gay is not an insult...
Please, do take on board that your son is not being 'insulted'. You are parenting a young man whose behaviour is worrying a lot of women on here.
'Softness' is not the same as justice or fairness.