My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

You and your son sound embarrassingly hysterical.

This is absolute nonsense, many people would hate if their best friend dated their sibling and you know they would, so jumping to saying he must have a crush is just being disingenuous.

If I had a daughter I’d much rather she dated someone she has known all her life than some random stranger off the internet.

OP Your son hasn't done anything wrong so ignore the weird comments on here, he is of course allowed to be upset about this because things have changed.

I wouldn't put pressure on him to talk to her again, it would be highly unlikely that it will ruin the relationship permanently, he probably just needs more time.

I’m sorry if you feel insulted but it is factual that the dating pool is much wider now.

The most obvious is the internet.
I can click a couple of buttons and speak to hundreds if not thousands of men all in one evening.

Previously you would have to rely on meeting people through friends or work or through family members etc
Or you could put an add in a paper but been that would take days just to be advertised.

Women were expected to be in a relationship and married much younger and so unless you went to uni, it would be much more likely that you would meet someone more local to your area, rather than the wider area.

Young people have less pressure to be in a relationship and therefore more time to meet different people.

As you can see on this thread, those that think it’s morally wrong tend to be younger than those that don’t.

Therefore it must have been more normal to date friends of siblings than it is today.
I’m not sure how you can be offended by that.

Why are people even giving this headspace ? The strong reaction likely isn’t because they are dating, it’s more because literally everyone else around DS knew they were dating except him, and DD and BF - the two people closest to him - chose to let him find out from somone else.

OK then. If you can’t see how your sweeping generalisations and characterisations as ‘taking what you can get’ could be considered offensive I can’t help you. And given some of the disastrous consequences I’ve witnessed to internet dating I can only be thankful it wasn’t around when I was young and single. And I have no problem with DD dating DS’s best friend. It’s their choice. My problem was with the way they allowed DS to find out.

You’re supposed to be the adult and you’re as dramatic as the teenagers. Tell your son to stop being a mopey brat and everyone can move on with their lives

It’s bad that your daughter didn’t tell her brother sooner and he found out from friends. That’s not how he should’ve found out. Having said that though it seems he’d be angry either way he was told/found out and not speak to either of them so what was your daughter supposed to do?

My DB always told his friends (behind my back) not to come onto me or think about dating me or they’d be dead and they obeyed him! I wasn’t interested in his friends that way anyway.

This. He should grow up. But OP should tell her daughter that she should’ve told her brother first. Don’t let her get off scot free.

The only massive thing about this is his overreaction.

Being deeply hurt - perfectly normal and understandable.

Not talking to BF and sister for months, not normal, sorry.

Wow op calm down, Jesus you’re making a bad situation worse, I can’t beleive how you’re attacking your own daughter and repeatedly on this thread, putting ull blame on her, not listening to her reasoning or accepting there are two of them in this relationship

she clearly was concerned about his reaction. Otherwise she’d jisy have told him. This is a whole load of teenage drama and yoire right up in it stirring the fuck out of it.

leave it to them. Tell your son she was trying not to hurt him, no harm was intended they both love him dearly and explain the damage is his doing now as he’s killed both relationships.

youve already told your daughter so nothing more is to be said. Just stay the fuck out of it and stop attacking your daughter and enjoying the drama.

I’m sorry you are getting such a hard time OP. It’s not deserved in my opinion,

Time will heal this one as both your children gain life experience.

For now just let it play out. No-one has done anything wrong beyond your daughter unfortunately allowing your son to find out after others, and by others.

I feel for all of you but it will all die down. Trust me. Just lie flat for a while.

You sound like an absolute nightmare mum, OP. Are you always such a drama llama?

Leave them to sort it out between them and stop placing yourself in the centre.

My DB always told his friends (behind my back) not to come onto me or think about dating me or they’d be dead and they obeyed him! I wasn’t interested in his friends that way anyway.

I think this is common with brother/sister siblings.

It may not be the rule, but I don’t think it’s the exception either.

I know plenty of brother/sister siblings that this would have bothered and who it did actually bother. For many reasons.

This. You are encouraging him to think his precious little feelings are far more important than anyone else's. If I were your daughter, I would be thinking 'well, my mum is a bit of a let-down, she is obviously never going to have my back' and distancing myself.

Why the need to say “his precious little feelings”.

You absolutely wouldn’t have said that if it was the daughter who was in the son’s situation, and the son was hooking up with her best friend.

What is the deal with shaming men for having feelings?

Your comment is wrong on so many levels.

Are you telling me to ignore his feelings and take him for granted? I’m not going to keep replying to these kinds of trash comments again and again.

Don’t worry, my daughter has my full support. Thank God you are not my daughter.

Your son is being immature. It’s a well known trope that the advantage of having an older brother is so you can date his friends. I know someone who married his best friend’s sister, no one minded.

Well this is going to be an awkward one if they get married!

Sister and friend should’ve told brother as soon as they started dating. I think it’s the secrecy that’s hurt him the most.

I wouldn't be thinking that at all because I would know that my mum has no control over my brothers feelings seeing as he is his own individual.

You seem to want her to encouraging the daughter to think her feelings are more important than anyone elses??

I guess this just doesn't seem like the sort of thing most 19yos would get upset about? It's hardly unheard of for siblings to date a sibling's friend. So I was wondering why the op's ds was so upset.

It seems like there must be a reason. I'd like to think it isn't just about controlling his sister.

The whole thing seems like a disproportionate reaction really.

There’s too much of that on MN. If a boy is upset posters pathetically refer to him as mummy’s little darling. I think he is being over dramatic though, friends date their mates siblings all the time, it’s perfectly normal. Maybe it’s more the secrecy, but he’s looking at it more like they’te having an affair, which is unreasonable.

And it's also not in any way unheard of for siblings to be upset if their sibling dates their friend and see it as a betrayal and worry how it will affect the friendship or what will happen if they will split up.

There'a clear and valid reason that you are choosing to ignore.

There is a difference between being a mom to my daughter, making sure she is okay, and acknowledging her faults and mistakes.

Indeed, it is on her and her boyfriend that caused this situation. In what way did they think telling everyone and keeping this secret from him was noble? It wasn’t even a secret when the whole group already knew.

She kept me in the dark too. I would have intervened and made sure things didn’t go this bad. Imagine how much like a fool my son must have felt in front of his friends. I can’t imagine what he is going through.

It’s deeper than what it looks like. You are telling me not to acknowledge that his feelings have no value and then pretend like nothing happened.