My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

I don’t think that’s the central issue here. I think what he said is a kneejerk reaction to the hurt of finding out that the two people closest to him had shared their relationship with everyone but him and instead of telling him themselves, had allowed him to find out from someone else. He was essentially the last to know. He’s not sulking. He needs time to process the hurt. And it’s natural he will worry about a change in the dynamics of the relationship with his BF, especially if he and DD break up. He’s 19, and he doesn’t yet have the emotional maturity of an adult. He needs to be left alone to deal with his feelings and come around by himself. We talk about misogyny a lot on MN. But I have to say that the misandry on this thread is palpable.

Take your son for a coffee or a walk. Ask him how he is feeling. Empathise with his concerns and answer the ones you can. Reassure him where you can - yes it might change his friendship a bit, but it might change anyway once everyone starts getting serious girlfriends. The best way he can look after his sister is letting her make her own choices and support her when things go wrong. Yes she should have told him but she was scared of upsetting him. Don’t pressure him to make up with her, leave things to percolate.

Do the same with his sister. Check in on her, how is she feeling. When brother calms down suggest she apologise for the secrecy, but not for the relationship. Reassure her you’re there for her and her brother both.

I think your son being the last to know has had a big impact on his reaction. His mother, sister, best friend and extended family and friends all knowing, keeping it from him like a huge secret is more than likely what has had am effect on his response.
We have read time and time again on here how being the last to know in many different scenarios has had a deep effect on relationships. The hiding of the relationship raises the question of trust and honesty, something which is fundamental to all good relationships. Who can he trust if not his own family and friends?

I think to apply that to a 19 year old dealing with emotions beyond his maturity is misandry. Would you say the same of a woman who chose to do the same. Why can’t it be that he just wants keep to himself until he’s worked things out in his head. It’s a lot to process.

Yep. This. All day long.

It also occurs to me that your DS is respecting himself in not speaking to either of them. In all honesty, he's had a good life lesson early and found out that the person he thought was his best mate was prepared to go behind his back. Your DD ought to looking at this more sharply as well. It shows a lack of character on both their parts but if I were her I'd be very reluctant to get involved with anyone who was prepared to sneak around in the shadows rather than coming clean and being a big boy. The best mate is young, they all are, but personal responsibility shows up early in those who have it.

I completely agree and I do wonder if there is an age thing at play amongst the posters here.

I wonder if the older generation had less opportunities to find a date and therefore you took what you could get type thing and dating your siblings friend was quite common.

Whereas with the younger generation there is a much wider choice of men to choose from and so certain ones would be morally wrong.

It would make sense as to why so many posters have such opposing views on the morals of whether this is right or wrong.

Your daughter was very wise when she said she didn't want to tell your son until she knew if it was serious. His friend has practically been part of your family from childhood so it's understandable he has always felt close to your daughter.

I asked myself how I would feel at that age if my brother started dating my best friend. I admit it would feel awkward initially then the more I got used to them as a couple I would be happy for them despite feeling there would be an inevitable change in the dynamic between us all.

Your son is the one who will lose out if he carries this on with this attitude, especially if they get married. He needs to understand he can't control his friends feelings for his sister & vice versa. At the moment he sees it like losing a friend & not realising he could be gaining a brother-in-law he gets on exceptionally well with which isn't always the case in families.

I didn’t say he has some sort of role in choosing who his sister sleeps with. You questioned him protecting his sister and somehow made it into a bad thing because an older sibling has looked after or protected their younger sibling. Isn’t that what siblings do, look out for one another?

At the moment he sees it like losing a friend & not realising he could be gaining a brother-in-law he gets on exceptionally well with which isn't always the case in families.

I don’t think anyone is thinking about gaining a brother or sister in law at 18 and 19.

Can you see the contradiction in the two paragraphs you just wrote?
Of course siblings should look out for each other, it isn’t unusual for the older sibling to look out for the younger sibling, it’s just in this case you seem to have your knickers in a twist because the eldest is a male. No one has said he’s escorting her anywhere or beating people up have they?

Wow - comparing this to incest is absolutely barmy.

As per my previous post I was in the same situation as the daughter, and am still happily married to brother's friend/family friend. I think it's quite natural to have strong connections to friends you've known a long time- shared history, in jokes etc. it's not always romantic, but when it turns romantic there is nothing odd or incestuous about it!

Therapy is very far from medicating. I can’t think of any of my friends reacting this way when we were teens - and everyone date everyone (small town).

this is a young man who his is having a big emotional reaction to his friend and his sister dating. It seems, to me, to be blown out of all proportion, and his mother is indulging it.

a neutral space to explore why he feels so strongly about this and how he could better respond to situations he finds emotionally challenging could only help him navigate future challenges (there will be a lot).

I grew up with a family friend who had these sort of big reactions to things (a good bit younger than me) he in in his thirties now and has impulsively quit two jobs (one a part time student job and one a big serious career job) because he over reacted in the moment. He is the type who would have made a big drama out of his brother dating his sister. Everything was a drama- and his mother indulged it all.

Where have I compared it to incest?

Perhaps you’ve quoted the wrong poster.

Sorry - the poster you were responding to, among other things, said similar situations would "be like incest". You quoted it and said "I completely agree". I guess I was responding to the sentiments in both posts all at once, and I appreciate you were not necessarily agreeing with that one specific point. But the general tone of both posts that this type of situation is weird/"morally wrong" (your words) etc I find very strange.

I'll probably get jumped on for this, but your son doesn't have a secret crush on his friend, does he?

I really feel for your son, and for you having to navigate this fallout. He was always going to be affected by this, most probably when they most likely split up, and they should have both told him much sooner.

I don’t think that there is much that you can do really, hopefully they will work things out in time and in the meantime try to keep a caring but neutral position on the matter.

I’m 68. I can assure you I had plenty of opportunity to date before settling down and so did my contemporaries. I find the notion that we ‘took what we could get’ really insulting. Why would you think the dating pool for older people was smaller than it is now ?

a neutral space to explore why he feels so strongly about this and how he could better respond to situations he finds emotionally challenging could only help him navigate future challenges (there will be a lot).

This might not be your intention, but this sounds sinister.

It reads like the kind of thing an abuser says to their spouse/partner when they have a very normal reaction to something.

The son feels betrayed. His reaction is completely appropriate and he can end a relationship on this basis if he wishes. On any basis he wishes. There is nothing wrong with the son. There is nothing wrong with men having feelings.

Why would you think this would explain his behaviour ? The kneejerk reaction is a response to the fact that everyone else around him knew they were dating and they didn’t have the courtesy to tell him themselves.

This is absolutely disgraceful.
Imagine writing ttis to the mother of a 19 year old boy who lost his father and is experiencing very normal emotions around his childhood best friend and sister seeing each other and finding out from friends.

What is wrong with you? I can only imagine you have no idea what a close friendship is. I would feel betrayed if my best friend and brother started seeing each other, nevermind at 19!

Check your loneliness before you write bullshit like that to a woman who's children have experienced such grief.

You’re missing the point. I think rather than the big emotional reaction being in response to his friend and his sister actually dating, it’s more a reaction to them making a fool of him by telling literally everyone else connecting them and letting him find out from someone else. The fact that he said they shouldn’t be dating is more than likely a kneejerk reaction to being blindsided. I don’t think the fact that he’s keeping to himself is a problem. He needs to process his feelings - not an easy thing at 19, but that doesn’t mean he needs a therapist.

Absolutely.
This thread has been shocking towards a 19 year old man experiencing totally normal emotions.

Scary what grown women expect young men to suppress.

This is my thought. I can't see that anything else explains the strong reaction!

If your ds has been hoping their friendship might become something more, I have some sympathy for his feelings, even though your dd hasn't done anything wrong.

I wondered if he felt led on a bit by the friend?