My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

How strange - in the town I grew up in lots of people dated their mates siblings! No one batted an eyelid. One of my friends married one of my other friend’s brother! No one had weird big emotions about it - no one had to tip toe around an inappropriately angry young adult!

I'm amazed people think the son's reaction is odd. yeah he will have to get over himself and not talking to his sister is wrong but he is clearly very hurt. He feels that his best friend has chosen his sister over him. If the relationship continues his friendship will change. If it ends it may change too. The siblings are only a year apart (I also have two children a year apart) and probably shared/had to share a lot of things over the years - now he has to share his best friend too. I'd have hated this at 19.

My youngest is 24 and we were joking recently that one of her roommates/friends is lovely and we should set her up with my son (about 4 years older). DD was not amused and this isn't even her best friend - just a close friend.

I don't understand why you keep saying your son's and his friend's relationship HAS to change now that he's dating his sister. Why? My mum's brother is my dad's lifelong best friend. They hang out together a lot and have been married for nearly 50 years. 🤷‍♀️

The silent treatment is widely accepted as being a tactic abusers utilise.

I feel for you all - there is a lot going on here.
I think it is understandable that your son feels hurt that they didn't tell him before other people. He shouldn't have had to find that out from other people, and I think a lot of people would feel angry and upset about that.
Your daughter, of course, can date whoever she likes. As can the friend.
I think a lot of the reactions and behaviours you are describing from those involved stem from people not respecting each other's autonomy. Your daughter didn't tell your son because she was worried about his reaction (and it sounds from follow up comments that that wasn't that she was scared of him/it, but that she didn't want to cause him hurt or see him feeling hurt). By trying to avoid difficult feelings, she's made it worse.
Your son feels like he has more of a claim on your daughter and his friend than he has any right to, rather than respecting that they are adult individuals. He isn't responsible for protecting her from getting hurt when dating (whether it's this friend, or whoever).
And you also maybe sound a bit too enmeshed in it all. Of course you want your children to get on - we all do - and it sounds as though you've been through some tough things as a family. But their relationship is theirs to fix, or not fix. And the most likely thing is that they will with time.

(To end with an anecdote - my husband's sister is married to his childhood best friend. They got together in their early twenties when they all moved home from university. My husband was mostly pleased about it, though it did change aspects of his relationship with both of them in ways he wouldn't have chosen. It makes for fun extended family get-togethers though!)

Jesus, am I the only one who finds posts like this disturbing ?

Why is it an odd reaction ? Instead of telling him themselves, his sister and best friend chose to let him find out from their mutual friendship group. He was essentially the last to know, and he’s hurt and angry. Why does that indicate struggling with his emotions in other ways, and why on earth would you advocate for medicating what is essentially just something he needs to learn to navigate in real life ? Isn’t that what family are for ?

I don’t think he thought they should have asked permission, or that he gets any control over who his sister dates. I think it was simply a kneejerk reaction to being blindsided and hurt that the two people you are closest to would have so little regard for your feelings.

I don’t think these are inappropriate emotions, I think they are normal ones, that require a maturity which at 19, he doesn’t have. It doesn’t mean he’s angry or controlling, or that he needs therapy. The more I experience of MN, the more I realise why therapists make such a good living.

When you stop talking to someone because you don’t like something they do - that is an attempt at control. Silent treatment is a classic sign of sometime attempting to pull the attention to them and guilt others into changing their behavior.

He is still a young adult so this is a big learning opportunity. He needs to use his words in a respectful and mature way.

will he huff and give a future partner the silent treatment every-time they step out of line?

I guess everyone has different morals.

For most, their best friend of years dating their brother, son or ex would be crossing the line.
That would be made worse if it was all done behind their back.

I’m assuming you and your brother don’t live together, so it’s not as deceitful but surely you’d still want to know if your best friend of years was dating your brother? Even if you were genuinely happy for them.

Where did I suggest medicating him? I suggested talking through these big emotions that he (as an adult) seems to be struggling with!

If my daughter or her boyfriend were truly that mature, they would have understood that this situation could create consequences and handled it differently.

You need to take off the rose-colored glasses and look at the situation realistically.

You are ignoring the fact that he was the last person to know about two of the most important people in his life, while his entire friend group already knew. His best friend acted normal and hid it from him for months, and in the end, he found out through other people. Now try looking at it from his perspective would you honestly be okay with that?

They chose to start this relationship knowing it could affect his feelings and his relationship with both of them. That is the reality. Don’t tell me they were too naive to understand that things would not change. I’m not saying my daughter dating him is wrong. I’m happy for them, and I would have been happy if it was a different boy too. But what about her brother? She was dating someone who was not just any person he was her brother’s best friend. The same applies to his best friend; he also made a choice, and in the end, my son was the one who got hurt.

My son did not ask for anything to change in their relationships. He did not choose this situation. They made that decision, and the relationship dynamics changed because of it. He only realized it after three months.

You have to be realistic. Imagine if my daughter’s ex-boyfriend had hurt her, and my son brought him home for dinner tonight. Would she be comfortable with that? Of course not. The same applies here when thinking about a possible fallout in the future.

Morals? I think sleeping with a friends boyfriend or husband (or married father!) crosses a moral line - but what morals say two consenting single adults who aren’t related can’t date?

It just sounds like a weird rule from sexist 1950s movies - don’t date my little sister nonsense.

See I hate when someone says the silent treatment is abusive.

For me, being forced to talk to someone is much more abusive than not talking to them.

My DDs bf was texting her accusing her of being abusive because she doesn’t want to talk to him and giving him the ‘silent treatment’.

I told her that she doesn’t owe him anything.
If he has done something to upset her then she is not obligated to have to speak to him if she doesn’t want to.

I can’t help feel this a really misogynistic thing to say because it tends to be women who are drawn in when their ex’s start talking them around.

I am a bit of a man hater, I admit it: but even I am not as bad as mumsnets drive to blame and villainise any male on any thread.

Your son is experiencing normal emotions. Yes the silent treatment is considered abusive, especially in romantic relationships but even in familial. But he’s 19 and probably feels like his life has been turned upside down - it’s hasn’t, but he’s in his feelings. Falling out with your sister is normal, it’s not abusive to be annoyed at her. It’s not like he’s been doing this for years to control her behaviour, he’s just pissed off and isn’t talking to her. I hope he gets over it soon, for both of their sakes but ignore the unhinged reaction

And equally when you don’t tell someone something they need to know because you don’t know how they will react, and they subsequently find out from others, you need to be prepared for the consequences. Why the automatic assumption that his silence is an attempt to put the attention on him ? Why can’t it just be what it is ? An indication that he has been deeply hurt by the actions of the two people closest to him and needs some time to process his feelings.

He’s not a monster about to turn into a future abuser. He’s a 19 year old kid who’s trying to process a life lesson that he won’t forget in a hurry.

Interesting that you think he should use his words in a respectful and mature way, when if his sister and her BF had done the same, the situation may not have arisen in the first place. But hey, he’s a male. Inevitably it’s his fault.

A. They haven’t done anything wrong. They’re both adults and can date who they like. Wouldn’t you (and your son) rather she dated someone you both like, than come home with a potential knobhead of a boyfriend?
B. It’s not your issue to fix.

Is there more to this than you know? Does your son perhaps have more than friend feelings for this young man?

A voice of reason. Tbh, before I joined MN I had no idea so many women were walking around clenched with hatred for any man !!

But what if he just doesn't want to talk to them because he feels hurt and upset and like the dynamic has changed. Is he supposed to just say I'm hurt and upset and then return to normal with them?

Why should he go back to being close with them if he doesn't want to? They made it clear he wasn't close or important to them by making him the last to know after their respective friends. Perhaps as far as he is concerned they have changed the relationship and he doesn't want it to continue the way it was

It's not abusive to decide you no longer want to speak to someone. Otherwise that would make most of Mumsnet abusive as they are always cutting someone off

The fact he and his sister live in the same house makes it really difficult. Still doesn't mean he has to speak to her beyond the essentials hi

Well I don’t really understand why your son is so upset. My brother was very keen on one of my friends and didn’t date her as she didn’t feel the same, but I would have been happy about it. The friend has always been part of your family, nothing changes, is he just jealous ? What exactly is upsetting him about it ? I don’t think your dd has done anything wrong other than perhaps taking her time to tell him .
Also disagree with people saying that they will inevitably break up. Four of my closest friends are still with their first serious boyfriend from around that age. I also know a lot of couples who met in their first year of university.

When you stop talking to someone because you don’t like something they do - that is an attempt at control.

I think you're confusing a marriage with friendships.

Withdrawing from a situation you find very hard to handle is anything but controlling.

I daresay, if he had the means, he would probably choose to move out and not be confronted on a daily basis by people that betrayed him.

I really dont understand why you want to make him the villain in all of this. Hes the one that has been hurt, if only by the lies.

You suggested therapy. There’s no indication that he’s struggling with anything more than what’s right in front of him. Sometimes things are exactly what they appear to be and I think constantly attributing normal emotion to mixed up feelings or past experiences instead of dealing with what’s in front of you is somewhat responsible for the amount of mental health issues affecting young people these days.

This is Mumsnet. And on Mumsnet men are not allowed to have feelings. They must nod (politely though, not too enthusiastically as this may be misconstrued as aggressive) and smile at anything the women in their lives do or say. Any other reaction is abusive, and you should either divorce them or kick them out.

In reality, your son is entitled to his feelings. There is nothing wrong with his reaction.

The situation with his friend and sister is an awkward one. The relationship probably won’t last, and if the break up is acrimonious, he will then be forced to chose between his friend and his sister.

I can only imagine the comments if your daughter was upset that her brother had started dating her best friend.

Your DS needs to grow up . His best friend is not his property and he has no right to dictate who your DD dates. Your DS should be grateful that she’s chosen a decent lad . I wouldn’t entertain his sulking

I spoke to DS some time ago about a family friend’s DD who I think is lovely. As far as DS is concerned, they grew up together, going on regular holidays etc. To DS, dating friend’s DD would be like incest. And he wouldn’t have liked the fallout if they split.

Similar situation here, surely.

Not necessarily true that they will split up given their ages.

I also started dating my brother's very good friend when we were 17 (or, more accurately, I suppose he was both mine and my brother's very good friends, which also seems to be the case here).

I think my brother did find it awkward at first, and we could probably have dealt with it more sensitively at the time. However there was no falling out and we all stayed friends. I think you should try to encourage everyone to acknowledge each other's feelings but also get some perspective. More communication, air all the grievances and then move on. Your daughter should have been more sensitive, but all she needs to do is apologise and move on. Your son doesn't get any say on who his sister or his best friend dates, even if they happen to have decided to date each other.

Twenty years on, the best friend is now my husband and the three of us are all still pals.

This!

Suggesting therapy for normal emotions and feelings to the typical ups and downs of life is wild!