My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

I disagree. Sometimes you're just upset with someone and don't want to talk to them. Why should you?

because being a friend, and this is a friend of over 10 years and a sister, its not normal to ignore these people for a month and not talk to them because they have made decision that don't include him.

To have a reaction, think about it for a couple of days would be ok but to prolong this behaviour for 28 days isn't acceptable behaviour.

The being upset is ok, but the prolonging this is immature emotionally and damaging to others as well as himself.

Given that the brother literally told her that she “shouldn’t date his best friend” then clearly the instincts she had to be wary about telling him were correct.

Agree with this. DS has had a shock and DD and her BF have behaved badly by not telling him directly themselves. They need time for the dust to settle. As you say it will impact their relationship but hopefully they’ll be able to navigate the changes with a bit more maturity once they’ve all got their heads around it.

Okay, let’s be realistic. Don’t you think that even if he had reacted in a better way, without getting angry and accepting their relationship, their relationship still would have changed?

The important thing you are ignoring is that he is the person who would have to choose sides in a potential fallout between them. That is a major part of this situation, and ignoring that does not make the point go away.

Is he able to see though, that by holding on to this he’s losing them both anyway?

If your best friend of years started dating your brother or son, you don’t think you should be made aware??

My friend even came and asked my permission before asking my brother out.

I would never date a friends sibling but if I did I would ask them first and at the very least tell them and not sneak around behind their back.

Tbh, its you that sounds quite unpleasant.

The kid has essentially just been bereaved again, and is going to go through all the stages of grief with no support.

And you want to write him off as an abusive partner?????

Words fail me

Or could it be that he said something inappropriate in the heat of the moment that he didn’t actually mean ? We’re told that DD assumed he would be upset. Maybe so. Or maybe she just didn’t want to tell him. But she’ll never know how he would have reacted had he not been hurt by the fact that she and BF - the two closest people to him - chose to let him find out from someone else. Everyone else in their friendship group knew about the relationship. Except DS. And people here wonder why he was hurt ?

It's not your problem to fix, but you could ask your son what the hell business it is of his whom his sister dates.

Yes their relationship may well change, but that’s not the point at hand. The point being discussed was him feeling that he has any right over their decision to get together. He doesn’t!

Also there’s no reason that he’d have to choose sides in the event of a breakup.
It might be an amicable breakup.
If not, his sister would have to understand that they were best mates before and he’s still going to be best mates after. His friend would have to understand that she’s still his sister that he has a relationship with, even after they’ve been through a breakup.

Depends on how long he holds onto it. He’s clearly deeply affected by what’s happened and at least deserves his space for a while to process it.

I just don't understand your son's reaction.

I don't have a sister, but, if I did, I think I would be delighted to know that she had found love and happiness with my closest, and most trusted, male friend.

Your daughter and her beau have been tentatively exploring whether their relationship might turn out to be something permanent, before 'going public'.

What business is it of your adult son to police his adult sister's love life?

Can he not just be happy for them?

If it lasts, fine. And if it doesn't, still fine.

He'll still have his friend, and he'll still have his sister, whatever happens.

Honestly, I despair of young adults today.

Brother's best mate should be off limits, certainly at this age.

It has ruined two dynamics that were very special to your son; his best mate, and his sister. In effect, your DD has muscled in and taken his best mate off him. This will not end well and there will be massive fallout. Your DD has been a complete idiot. There are plenty of blokes out there, she didn't need to take her brother's best friend.

If there were two DDs and one of them muscled in on a long standing best friendship, I'm not sure people would be so keen to take the side of the one doing the encroaching and telling the other one to suck it up.

I'm with the son. His sister has been a jerk. If she didn't tell him because she knew he'd be upset, that ought to have told her that her actions were probably questionable.

Have you never said something you don’t mean in the heat of the moment ? If course he doesn’t have any right over their decision to be together. And when he calms down and accepts it, he’ll realise that himself. But at least cut him some slack for having been let down by the two people closest to him, who by their actions, ensured he was the last to know about their relationship and didn’t prioritise telling him themselves.

And i think it’s very naive to think that he wouldn’t be put in a situation where he would at least have to consider where his loyalties lie. It depends on the circumstances of the break up.

Honestly this thread is 😳😳😳

Not you @pilarr
Youre reasonable and have patiently explained the same thing again and again.

But the ‘you dint date your sibling best friend’ is a ‘rule’ that has existed like forever. Like you dint date your best friend ex. Many threads on here how this isn’t appropriate and how I just leads to family falling out.

I think the best your dd can do is to continue treating your ds the same way as before. Talking to him in group situation etc… not acting as if he wasn’t there or she is avoiding him at all cost. Aplogising to him and LISTEN to him on how hurtful he found it wo explaining herself. But just acknowledging his hurt.

Id have a word with your ds and again listen to him. Without trying to defend your dd. Just acknowledging the hurt.

Insuspect that on his pov, Hes been hurt. His sister knew he wouldn’t be happy but still went ahead. And yet he is supposed ‘to get over it’ and understand how she feels etc… whereas imo it should all have started with acknowledging his hurt. The understanding should have come second/afterwards otherwise it just reads as an excuse/a shutdown iyswim

After that? Time and trying to slowly build the trust up again

This is a very odd reaction. Does your son struggle to regulate his emotions in other areas? Does he have a therapist he could talk this though with?

such a strong emotional reaction to something so mundane would suggest there is something else going on here - does he think he gets to control who his sister dates? Does he think they should have asked his permission? Did he have romantic feelings towards his friend?

Whatever is behind the reaction it doesn’t bode well for his future relationships - how would he navigate a real issue? Get angry, throw temper tantrums until everyone falls inline with his wants?

i suggest you have a strong talk with him about your daughters autonomy and rights. I do think this is an angry young man who needs help navigating what are completely inappropriate emotions.

This is complex. He is only 19 and has got a lot to process. He hasn’t got the wisdom of an adult yet. He must feel like he’s lost his sister, he’s lost his best friend, and secrets were kept from him. Just be kind and loving to them both. Be the voice of reason for them both. And hopefully this will pass.

Honestly, I’m surprised by some of the comments saying he is controlling or abusive. even someone said he is emotionally or physically abusing her.

I was really taken aback by those comments because I don’t understand from what angle they see him as controlling. He didn’t try to control her choices he stepped away and stopped talking to my daughter and his best friend because he was hurt.

I’m a mother of three and a woman myself. If there was something seriously wrong with my son’s behavior, I would recognize it. Even my daughter disagrees with those kinds of comments and has defended him.

I have two sons, and they are good boys. My son has never once been disrespectful toward his sister or said anything hurtful to her. Even while he is upset, he has remained respectful toward both his sister and his best friend.

he was not lying to him ffs, he was being private and keep a new relationship close to his chest until he knew where it was going. Even if it was his sister, if it was a short fling that they both decided wasn't going anywhere they both would be better keeping it quiet and staying friends. It's on both of them to agree not just one. I think everyone else know except him is kind of upsetting but from his behaviour i can see why they were apprehensive.

If they are both good people and can agree to keep it amicable if things breakdown as it his best friend thats all that matters.

But the ‘you dint date your sibling best friend’ is a ‘rule’ that has existed like forever.

Really? I’d never heard of that rule. I can’t imagine my DB being this dramatic had I started dating his best friend. Not that I fancied him anyway.

It was a three way friendship now your son feels betrayed by his best friend and his sister. He is now the third wheel in the friendship, I expect he feels devastated. It's too late now the genie is out of the bottle and the friendships have changed forever, does your son have other close friends who can fill the void? Encourage those friendships. In the unlikely event that the romance survives and they get married it may come good again, they may become close again as BILs and laugh about all this (or not) who knows.

Did OP say it was a couple of months or am I making that up? I’d say he needs to try and start getting over it sooner rather than later. Life moves on quickly at that age, although I understand why he’s feeling upset about it

The best advice is for the both of them to sit down with him and agree not to put him in the middle as thats his worry.

“Even while he is upset, he has remained respectful toward both his sister and his best friend”

I’m confused - you said he’s been completely ignoring both of them and not speaking to them for over a month. Why do you consider that to be respectful?

Why is so bad that it's his sister? How would he have reacted if his friend had a GF who wasn't his sister?

Because he can't talk with his friend about the relationship. Even without the lies and deceit that occurred in this particular case.

Its created a situation where no-one in that threesome can talk about the relationship to the third. You can't agree with one that the other is being unreasonable without damaging that third relationship.

Having a friend who is dating usually brings you close as you both try to navigate the ups and downs of relationships - talking through concerns etc.

Massive difference