My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

Are you seriously saying that you wouldn’t ban someone from your house if they made your child feel uncomfortable?

Wow your poor kids 💔

My DDs best friend started making her feel uncomfortable and I banned him straight away without a second thought.
Instead they had to see each other in public places where she felt able to leave without being rude.

I don’t care if he was disappointed that he couldn’t come around anymore, my child feeling comfortable in her own home is the only thing I care about.

And the fact that you don’t know what unwritten rules are when it comes to relationships proves the need for parents to have this discussion with their children.

You are outing yourself as someone who has no boundaries over the men you’d date, even if it meant hurting your friends or family members.

Not inventing anything:

What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself

She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend

she knew this was going to hurt him

All quotes from you which illustrate it wasn’t just the fact that it was kept a secret, it was the fact that he thought they shouldn’t be together because of each of their relationships to him, as if he has any rights over either of them.

Your son is a controlling prick. Other people dont need to run their decisions by him!

There was no issue. It’s was awkward though as he was my dads friend. He told me his mates took great pleasure in winding my dad up about how he was sleeping with his daughter. Put my dad in an awkward position and I’m pretty embarrassed about it now as he wasnt worth the awkwardness. But as I said, my dad was very mature about it, we broke up, my dad didn’t stay friends with him

This. They were indiscreet about their relationship within their mutual friendship group and brainless enough not to anticipate that if they didn’t tell DS they were dating someone else would. DS needs time to process his feelings and everyone needs to back off and let him do that.

You don’t think a brother can or should look out for his sister?

It would have been very weird if your dad had been anything other than “mature” about his 17 year old dating a 22 year old that he’d just met himself.

Why does it have to be?
This is a boy without a father, and his best friend that has shared almost all of his formative life.

11 years. That's a marriage worth of relationship.

Whatever happens that relationship just got trashed, regardless of the difficulties of whose side to take when they break up, if only from the dishonesty and betrayal of the BFF.

And from his point of view its his sister that made that happen. Any other girl and his relationship with BFF continues but differently.

And ironically, the two people that he might talk this betrayal and change through with are gone. His BFF and his mum (since she lied to him also)

But you'd like him to process all that hurt on his own and grow up.

I'm surprised no-one has suggested he needs to grow up and be a man.

I really feel for that kid.

You really need to butt out OP. It's natural for two young people who spend lots of time together to fall in love, and your son will come to terms with it
in time. It's not some kind of crisis.

No, of course not. Do you actually think that by virtue of being male then he has some sort of role in choosing who his sisters sleeps with? Being a man does not give anyone the right to be protective over who a female in the family is sleeping with. It’s disgusting, caveman like behaviour.

I always think it is a very poor reason not to tell someone something because "I knew you'd be upset". If it's important that's exactly why you MUST tell them, to explain whatever it is properly before they hear it from another source.

Having said that, your daughter has done nothing wrong in dating this friend. Some of the deepest and happiest relationships evolve from friendships.

But she should apologise for not taking the initiative and telling her brother herself.

Oh, we do not think alike! We can't teach teens much, but I vote we focus on the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated. That so valuable, because it teaches empathy.

Why does a woman need a man’s protection? What does that protection actually look like? Accompanying her on dates to keep her safe? Threatening to beat up any man who mistreats her?

Family members of both sexes should look out for each other.

What an odd thing to say. No, they absolutely don’t need to run their decisions by DS, I agree. They did, however, need to let DS know that they are in a relationship, given that they are the two people closest to him and have their own individual relationships with him - not to mention that they’ve shared that relationship with everyone in their mutual friendship group. They didn’t give a thought to the fact that he was likely to find out from someone else, which is hurtful and disrespectful. I think there’s a difference between being controlling, and being hurt.

Who is the person hurting your daughter now and making her cry?

It’d been over a year and this new pub and friendship group was a lifeline after he and my mum broke up and he lost his job and moved to a new city.

I can date who I want and he never said anything to me but I think it’s also completely normal to feel a type of way when something like that happens. You’re clearly so perfect that nothing would annoy you or make you feel a bit put out that two people you’re close to have formed a relationship that changes your dynamic. But some people have emotions and that’s ok

In a nutshell.

I think it is awful that your son thinks he has the right to dictate when your daughter gets privacy in her personal life and when she should be forced and punished if she doesn't want that privacy.

No one has done anything that warrants some of these responses. Chill mumsnet, it’s just teenage angst

The brother she thought so little of that she allowed him to find out from mutual friends that she was dating his best friend ? She admitted she knew he would be upset, so she should have told him herself, or ideally her and BF should have done it together. The hurt and humiliation of realising that you were the last to know through mutual friends has probably influenced how he’s reacted so DD will probably never know how he would have taken the news had that not been a factor.

it's only been a month, give them time to work things out. They will all eventually move on from it. of course it will impact their relationship with each other going forward but doesn't mean it can't be mended to some degree.

I feel sorry for your son. He clealry
holds his friendship dear. I think your daughter and his friend were wrong to act on their feelings, it would be obvious that it would feel like a betrayal to your son. No doubt that relationship will fizzle out over time as teen romances do, but the damage has been done.
If I had been in your daughter’s shoes I would not have done this to my brother and to be honest I think it’s a bit weird that she has feelings for someone who has been pretty much like a brother to her all of these years.

How do you figure that privacy in her personal life was her utmost concern when every single person in their mutual friendship group knew about her relationship with the BF, except her brother ?

The truth is, that neither of them knew how to tell him because they assumed he would be upset. They completely failed to anticipate that he would find out from one of their friends, for whom it was common knowledge, so now he’s even more upset because he’s the last to know. Come on.

This is ridiculous. I cannot believe what a hard time the son is getting. He is fully entitled to feel hurt and upset about this.

All of the lines are blurred for him and when they split up (highly likely given they are teenagers) he will be stuck in the middle with conflicting loyalties.

I cannot believe the fact he is taking a bit of time to get used to this and distancing himself from his best friend and sister after they shut him out, means it's a formality he will turn into a 'controlling, abusive man' 🙄