My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself

She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend

she knew this was going to hurt him

All quotes from the op.

I agree and why should the DD have to worry about her brother's as yet unkown future girlfriends and how she'd fit in. Ridiculous.

Actually, I think your daughter has been selfish.

There are so many boys available at that age, and she chose the one that will inevitably damage quite a few relationships when the almost inevitable break up happens.

This boy will lose his 'second family' when they break up. Your son will lose his lifelong best friend.

Nothing will ever be the same or go back to how it was.

Great advice.

It is a very extreme reaction from this young man, and it does strike me as quite controlling behaviour, I agree.

Why is so bad that it's his sister? How would he have reacted if his friend had a GF who wasn't his sister? The friendship would change even more in that case.

He is going to suffer all sorts of slights and upsets in his life, worse than these, he cannot just deal with all of them by going into a months-long sulk, a weekend should be more than long enough for him to come to terms with his feelings.

"Would my daughter be okay or comfortable if, for example, her boyfriend cheated on her and then my son brought him to our Christmas dinner like nothing happened?"

Well they can cross that bridge if they come to it. Why get furious about some hypothetical future situation that probably won't happen?

Why is everyone obsessed with saying the son is controlling by "stonewalling" ? He is 19 and is obviously feeling hurt by the lying by omission from two of his closest people. He isn't being abusive by taking himself away from the situation until he sorts out his feelings. He should be left alone, he'll figure it out. It's more controlling all the people saying he should "get over" it !

Your dd and her bf aren't wrong for wanting to be in a relationship.

However they are wrong for making sure everyone else knew about except for your ds. That is a choice they made.

Your ds is dealing with the fact that the two people closest to him lied for months, by omission but it's still lying. Got all of his friends and his mother to lie for months about their relationship. Then he finds out from a different friend.

He must feel betrayed and humiliated. He must also be feeling a certain way about all of his other friends keeping this from him.

I think it's a lot to process.

Being silent is absolutely a way of processing. It would take me a long time to be able to put the words together to articulate how I felt if i was feeling betrayed. The words literally wouldn't come out of my mouth.

Your ds doesn't have to continue his friendship with his best friend.

He also does not need to continue a relationship with his sister. He really doesn't.

I think your ds needs space which is obviously hard to do when you all live together.

Therapy might not be a bad idea. He's struggling with loss and he might find some peace through it.

He’s being territorial. He needs to get perspective on what he seems to view as a terrible betrayal. His friend isn’t with his ex. There is no betrayal or broken loyalty here, simply a getting together that he doesn’t like.

Remind him that later in life, adult men often become friends with their brother-in-law: the fact that the same woman is both a friend and sister to two people simply isn’t a problem. He’s acting as if it’s unacceptably weird because his relationship with them both existed first. The problem seems to be that he feels he should’ve been in the loop from day one (not his business), should now have a say in it (not his business), and that his sister should choose pleasing him over remaining in her relationship (unacceptable). He’s going about it with sulks and silence which is immature.

Unless he knows a good reason why his friend is an unsuitable boyfriend, he’s going to need to behave more appropriately while two adults see where things head.

Is it though?

After the breakup and subsequent fallout, will things be the same. Can he carry on freely visiting his now ex's house, going to family parties or on holidays? Or every time he visits will there be a tense cloud overhead?

Not to mention that this teenage boy has learnt that the two people closest to him have been lying to him while everyone else knew about it. That tends to remove a fair bit of trust and closeness from any relationship.

Surely no one would allow someone into their home that didn’t get on with one of their kids or who made them feel uncomfortable?

That is the bare minimum of parenting.

Your kids should always feel comfortable in their own home and it’s a shame that you’d put someone else’s child over your own.

Ensuring your child feels comfortable in their own home is not taking sides.

And it’s not ridiculous to discuss with your child about certain unwritten rules in relationships.
It’s important to discuss healthy relationships and the dos and don’ts, as much as it is to discuss safe sex.

I totally agree.

It's very normal for people to meet their SO through a family member.

Because firstly it’s none of OP’s business and by issuing a ban on the boy she’ll likely just ramp up the resentment on all sides and likely wont be able to extricate herself from the drama it will cause.

DD is not ‘wrong’ to be dating her brothers’ best friend. Neither of them can help their feelings and neither of them is an ex partner to DS. DS may be worried about his friendship surviving their breakup, and possibly feel that some sort of a line has been crossed - clearly DD felt something similar, otherwise she wouldn’t have hesitated to tell him. The only thing DD (and BF) have done wrong here is to allow the situation to progress to the point where DS found out about their relationship from someone else. Given that everyone else in their friendship group knew about them, they should have anticipated it and made it more of a priority to tell him themselves.

DHs uncles, his father's brothers, married two sisters.

if, for example, her boyfriend cheated on her and then my son brought him to our Christmas dinner

But this is absolutely ridiculous - just worrying about future scenarios which may never happen?

The fact is the DD and the Son's friend like each other and were friends themselves for years.

Ask you son to think of another boy his age that he really really dislikes and to imagine what it would be like if she was dating him instead.

Your DD and the son's friend can date who they like. Its not up to your son and he needs to grow up and stop being so silly about it. He may not like it, but he doesn't have the right to punish your DD and the rest of the household. OP should not be getting involved in all of this.

Its not a massive sin that he found out she'd been dating for a month. It's her business and she had the right to tell him when the time was right (never in his case) She didn't know if she was going to continue to date or not at that stage.

This is not a gambling, cheating, drug addict she's dating but a boy the whole family know well and were fond of. It's ruffled your DS's feathers but its time for him to get over it.

Son is not a man yet.

Honestly do stop catastrophising the situation. Siblings fight and fall out. He’s probably off out with his own friends completely ambivalent to his brother and sisters giving each other the cold shoulder. People are so dramatic on mumsnet

It's quite manipulative behaviour I think.

I don't think it's any more manipulative than sister and bff choosing to date.

Why are they allowed to act on their feelings but he is not?

They both still have a person they trust.
Him not so much, and even his mum doesn't seem very trustworthy now either.

Hmm and ignoring completely someone he lives with and cutting off his best friend of more than a decade is a great way to go about it I suppose.

In banning him from the house she appeases one child and upsets another. How is that helpful to either ? And OP hasn’t indicated that DS has asked her to intervene in any way, so why on earth would she get involved and cause more drama ?

And you keep mentioning ‘unwritten rules’ in relationships. Can you specify what rules you think have been broken and what the ‘do’s and don’ts’ are ?

Your son is acting weird. Does he have a crush on his best friend? Otherwise it's totally weird behaviour anf you should tell him to grow up!

I did this to my brother when we were 18/19 and the relationship didn't last and he lost his best mate. Relationships rarely end for no reason and although my brother was upset with me for 'stealing' his best mate, he was still my brother and ultimately couldn't forgive his friend for messing me about. We we're the three amigos before our emotions got in the way. Sometimes friends are best kept as friends so they are in your life for longer!

I did it to my dad 🫢 he and my mum split up and he had a bit of a midlife crisis, started going to a local pub where he met loads of new people including a lad that was only 5 years older than me. I was 17 and I dated him. Mortified now. My dad was very mature about it though lol. They didn’t stay friends and our relationship didn’t last

You were 17 and went in some dates with a 22 year old who your dad had just started to get to know down at the pub?

What’s the issue?

The rule is not unwritten and it’s “All’s fair in love and war.”