My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

I don’t think your daughter has done anything wrong. She knew he’d kick off and he proved her right.

I suppose one day they’ll break up and your son will decide if he can get over it or they’ll stay tougher and your son will decide whether he can get over it.

Not sure how you can fix it, but your son really needs to move on. It’s odd to keep being angry for so long

Does your son know something about the friend that concerns him? A history of being abusive in relationships, cheating etc? Something neither you or his sister are aware of

It's on your daughter. She should have told him because:

• he had to find out from others which made him, understandably, feel hurt
• when they split up, which they will given their ages, where does that leave the boys friendship
• it changes the dynamic of their total relationship...if your son gets a girlfriend she will find it difficult to fit in with all the shared history the 3 of them have

Your daughter has ever right to date this boy but should have been mature and spoken to her bother and discussed some of the above

Your poor daughter.

Nervous to tell you and a brother who thinks he has a right to tell her who she can/cannot date.

If I were her I'd roll my eyes at both of you and tell you to grow up.

Eek, tricky one.
Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong by entering into a relationship with another adult.

However, your son probably feels a sense of betrayal, that his friend has been "taken" from him. He has likely confided in that friend over the years and now those private confidences no longer feel safe.

It seems unlikely they'll never speak again if they previously had a good sibling relationship however, I don't think this should be pushed or rushed in anyway.

I’d be having stern words with your son - it’s not acceptable for him to cause such an atmosphere.

he needs to grow up or if he’s going to carry on like that he needs to move out.

Protecting his sister because their dad had passed? Where did he get that misogynistic idea from? I assume you’ve stamped that right now - she does not need a petulant teenage boy “protecting her” in any way, but especially not from a consensual relationship with a boy your son seems to hold in very high regard, as his best friend. Surely he sees this as a good man for his sister, but even if he didn’t… he need to wind his neck in.

Why aren’t you telling him what a selfish child he is being?

I can see both sides. If dd and friend split, the dynamic will change and the friend may not come around so often anymore and it will create distance.

But equally dd and friend are two consenting adults and should be able to date.

I don’t get it. Why wasn’t your response ‘wow that’s so great, he’s a lovely boy’ instead of instilling some sort of fear in her about it?

Your son should rein himself in. What is this crap? They can both date who they like 🤷‍♀️

This is harsh. why isn't the son allowed to have feelings? He's not the only one not talking, the dd isn't talking either.

So would ot be ok if a brother goes out with his sister friend if thr sister didnt want him too?

I know he is only a male but he has right to be upset if he choses too, he shouldn't be rude but it is up to him how he handles it

I think your daughter should have been honest with her brother earlier on as some (or most) of his anger is likely to be related to hearing about it from someone else. If this is such a close friend then I don’t understand why he’s so annoyed?

Stay out of it

A young 18 year old woman should not be scared of her brother, and nervous to tell her mother who she's dating.

This is wrong on so many levels.

And presumably no-one made him 'responsible for protecting his sister'.

This is his problem but he's making it hers.

Is your son still talking to his friend?

The only thing she (and the B/F) did wrong is not tell him. I can understand he would feel left out and like a fool if he heard it from other people and felt like everyone else knew besides him however he needs to get over that, he doesn't get a say in who either of them date and he needs to get over it and try to be happy for them

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She should have told him before anything happened, or at least much sooner.

My son feels like his friendship with his best friend has completely changed, and he worries it could become even worse if they ever break up. That’s why he is avoiding his best friend too.

On the other hand, his sister made a mistake by hiding it from him, but he should try to forgive her. After all, she is his sister, and no matter what happens, their blood bond will not disappear.

I don’t think my daughter dating this boy is wrong. In fact, I’m more relieved that it is him and not some stranger. I know him, and I believe he would fit well into our family.

Of course, I also understand my son’s deeper feelings. His best friend is now in a relationship with his sister, and there is probably an awkwardness he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about openly especially knowing their relationship has become intimate.

I’d be worried of my 19 year old son behaved like this.

Imagine what he’ll be like as a partner??

No!!

There's no right or wrong here - your daughter has the right to pursue a relationship with whoever she likes, but it's fair enough for your son to feel upset that he had to hear about it from other people, and to worry that the ease with which they have lied to him about this has long term implications for both his friendship and his relationship with his sister.

I think it will take time to resolve - either their relationship will flourish and they will find a new way to be together or they will split up and your son will have to deal with the fall out of that.

I feel an awful lot of sympathy for your son.
His best friend, his sister, and you OP after you found out, colluded to keep a secret from him. That is just so hurtful.
My own family used to do this to me : keep secrets for no valid reason and I felt like a total outsider in the family.

It was totally insulting to him to assume he couldn't handle his friend and his sister being an item.

The secrecy and deception will take a lot of getting over and your daughter and his supposed friend have behaved very badly with their deceit.

I don’t understand why your son is being so possessive about his best friend or why he would object to his sister dating him. Is it possible his feelings toward his friend are not entirely platonic?

She should have told him before anything happened, or at least much sooner.

Before anything happened? WTF?

Isn't that a bit like asking for his permission??

And 'forgive' her?

Jesus.