AIBU to feel unsafe about a five-hour drive after his early shifts?

[Silverseahorse]

So...
We have to stay overnight somewhere tonight
It means driving 5 hours at dinner time
My DH drives ..I don't
We had a lot to organise to sort this out ,as family life is difficult.
So it's just suddenly occurred to me
My DH has been up since 4am every day this week for work and falling asleep by 7pm every evening
Today is no different..today is the last day on this shift ,he is off tomorrow,when we have to drive back ..
Now I'm sitting here , thinking shit ..yet again I'm going to be driven somewhere scared again.
Why didn't he say ..".I'm working from 4am that day ..I can't do the drive that evening,we need another plan.."
But this was his plan ....my plan was to drive up half way through the night so he could sleep first ...
Would your DH be able to drive for 4/5 hours in an evening after doing a week of 4am early starts .. including the day of the drive ,??
I've lost sight of what's normal
There's been so many times he's driven me scared..that I don't know what's normal and what's not .
Should I of looked at his shifts and said ..that won't work...
Usually I do ...but this event has caused me so much stress to organise at home (the people we leave at home )..that i didn't think to check his shift today ..
I really feel I'm reaching the end of the road with my marriage..and I'm terrified of what that means

That does seem a long stretch if you are not leaving until 6pm. Why is that?

If he gets up at 4am, assuming he starts work around 5am so finishes around 3pm.

Can he have a nap when he gets home and then set off? Are there parts that don't involve motorway where you could take over and he has a rest? My husband doesn't like driving in busy places (though he's great on a single track country road as that's what he's used to). I do most of the driving but I'm grateful for him doing a short stretch so I can have a snack and a bit of time out.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I think you are getting poor responses because you've written your posts in such a passive way.

Is this a reflection or your marriage? Do you get a say? I wouldn't want to go in the middle of the night but a rest and avoiding rush hour seems sensible. Otherwise I'd go pretty much immediately on finishing work and then break it up with tea somewhere. Or set off at 4am the following day.

If you can't discuss these options reasonably with him then that is a sign of greater problems in your marriage but it's hard to get a sense of this from one post.

It's not something you would want to do frequently it's something you could do if you have to. Or at least most drivers who are used to driving long distances could do, making sure they take care not to get drowsy. My DH and I could both do it if necessary, and both of us have done similar, but we both had jobs that required huge amounts of driving.

But OP is refusing to drive herself or even share the driving, so what’s the alternative.

She is proposing that he goes home, sleeps and then leaves in the middle of the night but that would be way more dangerous for me as I’d be more tired.

The only safe alternative is that OP does half the driving.

What is the event and what time do you need to be there?

If today is Wednesday and you need to be there for all day Thursday - then I’d either leave straight after work today and get a good nights sleep once I’m there.

Or leave at like 3am - but only if I was staying Wednesday night.

It sounds as though you aren’t staying Wednesday night and so driving 10 hours in 1 day is a lot more dangerous than his proposed way.

Ultimately, the safest thing is for you to share the driving.
If you’re not willing to do this then you’re obviously not that concerned about your safety.

So my husband wouldn’t do it often. But I can’t drive on the opposite side of the road, so when we were in America a few years ago for his work he did a full day (up at 6am etc) and then we drove from Portland to Vancouver straight after work. He was fine, we chatted and listened to the radio! Usually we’d share the drive.

I don’t know why you’ve had some shitty replies here OP.
Whether other people would be comfortable with the drive is irrelevant, you’re not comfortable with it. End of. We’re all different.
I’d hazard a guess that this isn’t just about the journey today though. I feel it’s the tip of the iceberg

I had to do a similar drive recently and it did feel like a lot in a day. I finished work early to make it more achievable. I don’t know if that is an option for him? Or if he does struggle you could take over driving. Just because you haven’t driven on a motorway doesn’t mean you can’t. Everyone does it for the first time at some point and it is easier than driving on other roads.

Thanks
I totally appreciate everyone's response
There is a lot more to it
But you can't help me with that ,it's to complicated
This you can ,and have helped me with .
I think you are all right
I definitely should be doing my share of the driving

But the alternative if OP isn’t comfortable with it is either not going or sharing the driving.

If I was worried about my safety then I would drive myself or at least do half so DH can relax or have a nap.

It’s a shame we don’t know more details as someone could probably come up with an alternative solution but I guess OP would have thought of that already and so it seems she needs to choose between being afraid for her life in the passenger seat or feeling nervous in the driving seat.
I know which one I’d prefer personally.

I agree mostly with what you’ve said. The OP has stated that she isn’t comfortable with motorway driving, so throwing herself in at the deep end today so to speak, isn’t the wisest choice either and could potentially be just as dangerous in her head.
Like I said though, there’s way more to this imagine.

Take the train?

The OPs concerns are valid. Plenty of people are in my opinion unfit to drive, not just most of those in BMWs who refuse to use indicators.

A share of the driving and a change in part of the route would be one option.

I’d change plans or drive yourself. Driving after the time he would normally fall asleep is unsafe, and statistically dangerous.

Personally yes my DH would be able to do this as he does do similar shifts to the OP's and is a lorry driver.

On the hand I know personally I would not be able to do the same drive after being up at 4am.

OP as others have suggested, if you feel comfortable doing a little of the drive or the alternative would be just plan in a few stops for a coffee etc.

And actually I don't know why I have sat back and just accepted I don't drive on motorways.
Not once in the 30 years of driving,did it occur to me to pay for motorway lessons
Because of stupid decisions I made in the past ,I have ended up with no money of my own ..I went with the same pair of glasses for 7 years , because I didn't have the money to get new ones .
At some point I will do a thread and ask for advice on more than driving..
But today is not that day

I could do this as one off, yes. Especially with a passenger to help keep me alert. Just encourage a couple of stops if needed for fresh air and coffee.

Unless he’s form for driving dangerously (which is a bigger issue than this one!)

I don’t want to keep beating you up about it but take some additional lessons with an instructor so you gain confidence motorway driving, you never know when you’ll need it. Would make everyone’s life easier if you routinely do long trips - me and DH would just split this drive.

Get some sweets, a large bag of Doritos and whatever caffeinated sweet fuzzy drink he likes. Then if you think he’s getting in ‘the zone’ you can offer him drinks/snacks to snap him out of it.

I wouldn't do this myself, but I never really get enough sleep, so I get tired driving long distance, and would not be doing 5 hours after a full shift at work.

But to be honest, I'd question driving 5 hours today and then 5 hours tomorrow, is it necessary to have such a tight timeframe? Can you not go really early tomorrow (his normal work get up time) and come back on Sunday?

My husband has little sleep and could easily do the drive .

You mean you have no income at all? No work/benefits?

Nope ..carer for adult DC with disabilities .
I think carers allowance for one of them goes in to the main account..but you can't claim for two .
Haven't been able to work since eldest was born 30 years ago
Not entitled to any benefits
Definitely not a net contributor to the UK
You make your bed ,you lie in it

Well you don't actually need motorway lessons if you can't afford them. Could your DH/family member/friend take you for a couple of motorway lessons instead?

Cross-posted sorry.

If you care for two disabled adult children then your financial situation isn't really down to bad decisions. I'm guessing your husband doesn't give you access to family money, or do you just mean that's only enough to cover essentials not extras?

Either way, it sounds tough.

You're a contributer. It would cost the state thousands to look after your dc. Don't beat yourself up about that.

OP, if you can't afford to pay for motorway lessons, you really do not need too..

If you know how to join from a slip road to a dual carriage way then it's just that.

When you've got an hour free, go take a drive to your closest, join, stay left until your comfortable, turn off at the first exit and there is normally a nice big roundabout for you to join and turn back on.

Once you've done it once you will be so mad at yourself for letting it hold you back, but at least you'll have done it!