AIBU to feel unsafe about a five-hour drive after his early shifts?

[Silverseahorse]

So...
We have to stay overnight somewhere tonight
It means driving 5 hours at dinner time
My DH drives ..I don't
We had a lot to organise to sort this out ,as family life is difficult.
So it's just suddenly occurred to me
My DH has been up since 4am every day this week for work and falling asleep by 7pm every evening
Today is no different..today is the last day on this shift ,he is off tomorrow,when we have to drive back ..
Now I'm sitting here , thinking shit ..yet again I'm going to be driven somewhere scared again.
Why didn't he say ..".I'm working from 4am that day ..I can't do the drive that evening,we need another plan.."
But this was his plan ....my plan was to drive up half way through the night so he could sleep first ...
Would your DH be able to drive for 4/5 hours in an evening after doing a week of 4am early starts .. including the day of the drive ,??
I've lost sight of what's normal
There's been so many times he's driven me scared..that I don't know what's normal and what's not .
Should I of looked at his shifts and said ..that won't work...
Usually I do ...but this event has caused me so much stress to organise at home (the people we leave at home )..that i didn't think to check his shift today ..
I really feel I'm reaching the end of the road with my marriage..and I'm terrified of what that means

OP said they'd be driving at 6pm though, so presumably wouldn't finish until at least 11pm.

In that case he could have a decent sleep before driving

I think this is not really the problem as the OP sounds super scared. OP - does your husband drive in a way that scares you? Does he not 'let' you drive? Is he really awful to you when you do drive so you've lost confidence? It just seems like a long shift + long drive isn't really the problem as that's really quite normal for lots of people every day.

I’m not sure what you mean by normal. It’s doable, if not ideal.

You sound like you’re over-reacting, but without context I don’t know if you’re a general bag of nerves or he’s an awful driver.

You need to give the context else people are going to assume from the little you have given

Why don't you book some motorway lessons and stop limiting yourself. You have a licence, you can drive, you can motorway drive. You can do this

I agree. Although the situation isn't very clear!

Ignore the Cool Wives brigade. They love nothing more than to cheer on pathetic men and berate ordinary astute women.

Ask any motorway patrol cop whether they’d recommend your DH drives for 5 straight hours after working a week of earlies and you’ll get a far more realistic response.

I mean, I could do it with no problem. Almost everyone I know could do it (couple reasonable exceptions)

Would everyone I know WANT to do it? Probably not. But not like there is another way around it if you won't drive half way.

The fact your more concerned about your own feeling scared rather than him actually being incapable or too tired to do so is a bit sad if I'm honest.

If you can drive around town you can drive in a straight line for a couple hours...

Just because you’ve never driven on a motorway doesn’t mean you can’t. Everyone driving on them has had to drive on one for a first time! Think how proud you’d be of yourself, how freeing it would be. All too often we allow fear to trap us, but you don’t have to.

Get three x one hour lessons on joining and keaving motorways. The rest is straight line driving. Why do you limit yourself?
Why are you scared?

I agree with this. Obviously too late to solve the problem for tonight! But it's completely unfair on your partner for you to just rule out motorway driving so that he has to do it all.

You can stay in the slow lane virtually all the time to reduce lane changing. It's actually easier and safer than most A roads.

I can’t believe the responses you’ve had.

A lot depends on your husband’s age and general health.
Is his driving style erratic at the best of times.

People who are bullying you and shaming you for not motorway driving can fuck off.

My advice. Have a conversation before you set out. Is there opportunity for DH to have a sleep before you set off? Agree planned breaks. Get out the car, walk about, have a coffee. Even have a half hour nap if needed.

Is this trip really essential? Is it too late to get a train instead?

I’ve felt like the OP and have been near to tears with my husband’s driving. And I used to have a license, I know how to drive a car. Just not allowed as I am now an epileptic. My husband drives but is a ticking time bomb. He has an aortic aneurysm that is being monitored for surgery. And his driving style is driving too close and then braking hard, it’s awful. Thankfully he now gives in to himself and has naps at service stations on long drives . We also use trains more.

Ive driven back after a night flight when we check out at 10am catch the flight in the afternoon, landed around midnight then delays all the way home. I also had a stinking cold that turned out to be covid. Got home about 5am ! yes i was tired but stopped for a coffee when nessesary and it was fine. What you are proposing doesn't seem too bad especially if he is used to getting up that time, and can have an early night the day before.

Is there some back story to why you dont feel safe? does he have from for nodding off diving? or driving unsafely?

The "cool wives" have said THEY could do the drive, sensibly. Not just their husbands..

@Silverseahorse my marriage would be over too if my partner refused to share driving on such a long drives after I had been at work all day, then expect me to drive back on my day off and instead claimed my driving scared them. They would find I would refuse to drive them. You drive, get yourself to your destination.

I have a female relative who drives 6 hours after a full week and day of work, every 8 Fridays. She has a break half way and is a perfectly safe driver. She does have 2 nights before the return 6 hour journey though, you are making your husband drive back the next day.

But this was his plan ....my plan was to drive up half way through the night so he could sleep first ...

I can absolutely see why he didn't go for your plan, and it doesn't sound at all safer. I wouldn't love driving five hours after a long shift, but could do it. I absolutely would not want to do a long shift, get some but not a night's sleep and then drive in the middle of the night.

Are there any parts of the driving you can do? Last part once off the motorway?

Personally would have suggested a hotel 2-3 hours away and the remaining 2 hours in the morning but I find driving more tiring than many. If your DH is happy I wouldn't worry too much.

I would think it normal and manageable.
But this could be a good time for you to start sharing the driving and let this be your first time on the motorway. It must be very wearing for your DH to be so put upon for no reason!

Surely it depends on the event, the reason he’s driving and the alternatives?

You’re implying this is something you have to do and so what the alternatives to him driving?

Can you get the train instead?

If you’re so afraid then you can drive yourself.

I think it’s incredibly selfish to refuse to drive on the motorway after your DH has just finished a long shift.

To suggest you’re scared of his driving when you refuse to drive yourself is actually so insulting.

There's an episode of Crash Detectives where a man feels asleep in the car after a big lunch and driving at the time he'd usually nap. These responses are shocking and dangerous.

I wouldn't be getting in a car with someone that's been up since 4am, worked and then doing a five hour drive in the evening.

Drive cross-country and share the driving then.

It drives me potty when my DH (who is D, generally!) is happy enough for me to be designated driver so he can have a drink but then criticises my driving/ back seat drives when I am doing it. Last time he did it, I asked if he would like to be quiet or if I was to pull over so he could get out and walk. He chose to be quiet..!

Either drive yourself or stop complaining.

if his driving is so terrifying OP should drive herself or book public transport. There are options

going in about how scared she is and how scared he makes her feel would probably drive him up the wall

It’s do able, I have done similar.

it wasn’t fun exactly but I had coffee and chocolate in the car.

if his driving scares you that’s a different question.

It depends on a lot. How tiring is your husbands job for example?

I wouldn't drive in those circumstances.

If he was to cause an accident he would need a pretty solid defense to not be charged with dangerous driving.

If he's up early, is there a reason you cant leave shortly after he's finished work? Even if it involves half a day leave for you.

Or he could sleep between finishing work and you leaving at 6?

Personally, I dont fancy driving 6pm - 11pm, whatever time id woken up. But then im usually in bed by 10!!!