To un-invite friend from dinner after she sent me message by mistake

[Dinnertext]

I’m a long time lurker but have pulled on my big girl pants for my first ever post in AIBU!

We are hosting my friend and her husband on Saturday for dinner. We’ve hosted them before and they’ve always been good company and said they’d enjoyed the food.

We were texting earlier about something unrelated - she clearly had another conversation on the go as she sent a reply which was of no relevance to our conversation.

Her message said:
I can’t do Saturday I am afraid. At (my name)’s for dinner again. That reminds me to stock up on the Pepto for the next morning 😂

Would it be wrong of me to rescind the invite? We go to a lot of effort to host them and feel this is frankly insulting.

That would upset me. She should either have told you she was ill previously or not said anything to anyone. Sniggering behind your back isn’t something real friends do.

My partner would have my back.

Your partner should at least say that his wife was out of order and has upset you, not just made this out to be a problem between the women and the men will just carry on. Thats disloyal and actually looks like he is siding with them more. You’re all ‘friends’ so it doesn’t work like that.

For people to come in our house, they have to be welcome here by everyone who lives here. If one of us didn’t want them here, they wouldn’t be coming. He’ll have to spend some money and buy beer at the pub. Disloyal twat.

The message was sent by accident and meant in jest. It's unfortunate that you read it.

However if your friend had an ounce of empathy she would understand how hurtful it is in your shoes. She wouldn't be justifying herself she would be holding her hands up and saying she's sorry, she messed up, can she make it up to you.

My mother in law sent a text to our
group WhatsApp saying ‘hope she doesn’t give you grief for this x’ to my partner and I absolutely regret not pulling her up on it. I’m super accommodating of almost every single thing in his life and this hurt me beyond belief.
i would say something.

So as it stands, your DH insists he will be at home with his mate watching the game. But you have told her that you don’t want to host.

I’d send her a quick message ….
‘Just to say no thanks to the take away suggestion. I feel I need to reiterate that I am no longer expecting you on Saturday evening having already made my meal plans. Enjoy the game !

Then let DH sort it the way he feels he wants to.
His decision will reveal to you the extent (or not) of his understanding.
He has choices and can enjoy a cosy night in with you and the England team
Or he can go to his mate’s house and eat a takeaway
Or he can find a better pub to go watch the match
Up to him. But tell him you need a bit a space from this couple please, to get your equilibrium back.

Could mean either from me 'food will be inedible' or food will be amazing but she always makes dauphinois potatoes and chocolate brownies and my stomach can't cope with the sheer amount I will eat and I WILL indulge

So I read the Op's post and I immediately thought it was a joke referring to your house as a major party zone. Then I read the rest of Op's comments - OMG!
No I wouldn't host and no I wouldn't be doing drinks either - she didn't tell you she felt ill but she told others and then jokes about it, RUDE!
I expect dh to be a bit more loyal but wouldn't force it.

Have you been over to theirs for dinner? She sounds like a right snob and has done you a favour 😉 I wouldn't want her back in my house if I were you. I couldn't relax knowing how rude she has been about your shopping and cooking

Sounds like you've lost a friend from your posts here, and honestly you should be glad. She's a snob, rude, inconsiderate of your feelings AND bitches about you behind your back. No thanks. She seems to be one of those who keeps people around her to boost her own self-esteem, in weird ways like this. In the bin she goes.

OP, your friend had the opportunity to politely make an excuse about maybe indigestion if she over indulges but instead she was unapologetic and tried to blame their upset stomachs on inferior ingredients that they wouldn't buy themselves. Then to suggest a takeaway! Bloody rude.

I would call the whole thing off and your DH can watch the football in the pub. He should stand by you on this one and not be so dismissive.

Good lord but you have your hands full.
A very rude woman and a disloyal and extremely disrespectful husband who doesn't want to get involved, as if you have done something wrong in all of this.

Just awful.

You've nothing to lose by telling this 'friend' that you were upset by her remarks as obviously it's very unlikely you'll ever host them again.

Bloody hell! She’s really rude.

you use ingredients they wouldn’t?

what did you use? Dog food?

I have had another message from her - again no apology but she is trying to suggest we shouldn’t fall out over it and throw many years of friendship away. She says the football and takeaway is a great idea (her husband obviously told her as I didn’t) and they’ll pick up one up on their way over from their favourite Italian restaurant as ‘their treat’.

I am not someone who can be bought, I think she is being dismissive. I’ve replied telling her I feel hurt by her comments and that she hasn’t apologised to me and for that I am not willing to go ahead with the plans.

Just send her a reply “care to clarify?”

Oh - no, just skimmed and missed the whole "shop at different places" thing.

I'd be tempted to be truthful and say "I'm hurt that you felt you couldn't tell me at the time, confused because neither of us were poorly last time and I'm not sure what the shop would have to do with it, and I'm pretty upset that you'd assume you'll be ill after eating at our home. It's probably best if you don't come over." And leave it there. No compromise with offering just drinks.

Honestly, I'd send the screenshots to a group thread with both husbands in it and say 'this is why we won't be hosting for the match and you will need to go elsewhere'.

Host them as usual. Then just serve pepto-bismol for dessert. Cold. :-)

We have a couple of times, always enjoyed the evening and been very grateful for their hospitality.

Take a screenshot for proof then write a message to her saying “hey Sarah/rachel/jasmine (whatever is not her name), why would someone need pepto after a meal?” As if you were sending it to another friend asking them advice. See what she comes back with.

The thing is she was obviously laughing about it with whoever she meant to send the message to, so I wouldn’t want to host her either.

How dreadful, your friend, not you.

The lack of accountability and reluctance to apologise should show you where you stand in her importance pertaining to your friendship.

if she doesn’t want you to fall out, a simple apology may have helped. Instead, she’s doubled down and thinking she can buy you a takeaway, is probably her clumsy way of apologising.

glad you stood your ground, definitely do not proceed with any plans on Saturday with her.

Why, are you 12?

Thinking her money can buy her way out of trouble, some people are so poor, all they have his money.

I’d be more upset about her slagging you off to someone else than even not commenting on the food. Very hurtful.

I think this is reasonable. An apology is just basic politeness, even if she stands by her feelings that she doesn’t want to eat food you make.

I can see why you’re hurt and she should say sorry.

I can also think of someone who I like but who made something with spam and I didn’t want to touch it. It was no reflection on how I feel about them as a person but that I don’t want to eat low quality food I actively avoid. I wouldn’t drink alcohol to make my non teetotal friends happy, and I won’t eat spam. People shouldn’t have to compromise on eating ingredients like this that they consider a no-go just to make others happy. I’d feel the same about say snails, oysters or food that had been in the media as being potentially horse meat. I think it’s unreasonable to expect her to eat ingredients she doesn’t want to.